the places you have come to fear the most

2007-11-21T11:36:00.001+08:00

i want to learn how.. this is so difficult and i don't get things.. i don't get how love could be like this.. if this is love.. it hurts me and i hate it..

2007-09-03T23:21:00.000+08:00

sometimes i ask myself if i still know you.

Always

2007-09-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Always
Always

your heart isn't into it

2007-08-13T20:38:00.000+08:00

it's easier to command your actions than to command your heart. and when you aren't there, your heart isn't either. i'm sucking it in. i'm doing your part. i don't understand, but i'll do it anyway. i'll swing from a streetlight..stuck in the meantime. i'll be out of this rut soon, if not cause of you, cause of me. of my decisions. one decision maybe. today was such an off day. so alone, i feel. well, not too, but i need someone who will talk with me about my thoughts. all of my friends are just too far..well not too far, but i'm just scared. i'm scared again. in all this, i just turn to God. think of people who so care for me. my mom who texts me so often even if i don't always reply. people who love me so encompassingly i think.

Cause people dont take chances with their hearts
Since Ive met you I am past the hardest part
So remember one thing
I will never let you down
Im trying to keep...
Sometimes you feel defeated
But its ok...
Youre not the only one
And all the complications,
The bad situations - happen to everyone
It doesnt matter how it ended or began
Sometimes the best that you can do is change your plans
I hope you understand that
I will never let you down
Im trying to keep...

stay where i can see you

2007-08-13T01:04:00.000+08:00

I've got all of the time in the world
To do with what we please
If it were up to me
We'd have all of the time in the world

Just stay right where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

If it were up to me
We'd have everything we need
You'd have me, and I'd have you

Just stay right where I could be-
Anyone you want
I'm glad I got the job
We've got something in mind
And I've got all this time

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

Just stay right where I can see you
Just stay right where I can..where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the 1! 2!

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
Once you go away I get so lonely
When you go away I get so lonely

evasion

2007-08-12T18:58:00.000+08:00

it's resistance and evasion, says john fiske. i can't resist and all i get is evasion.

what the.

20 things

2007-08-09T22:31:00.000+08:00

List 20 things you want to say to certain people but know you never will. Don't say who they are. Then, post the list entitle "20 things i want to say to certain people".

1. i think that my life is spectacular, because of the fact that you've never been there.

2. i wish i had spent more time with you before you died. i miss you too much, and we've fallen apart without you.

3. i love him, and i don't regret losing you cause it means i have him. i'm sorry.

4. you are who you are because you wanted to compete with me, but it's not your fault, i love you.

5. be friends with me again. that's how it started, anyway. you're too far, and i can't be who you want me to be.

6. thank you for protecting me, and for always being so dependable. you deserve to be more than a housekeeper, and you deserve a better life than that.. it's people like you who inspire me.

7. ~~i hate you so much. you don't even deserve to be thought of or talked to~~ i don't want to give up my values for that. the thing i don't like most about you is you lack of faith.

8. ~~you've stained me, and when you become like your father, i won't take you in my house.~~ i am strong only because you guys backed me up.

9. you're more to me than a sister. sometimes i wish you were kinder to people though.

10. i wish that you could love me the same way as you did before.

11. i know that we would've been perfect. but you were just so inconsistent, and there are too many complications. i know it hurts you now, and sorry's all i can say..

12. i'm not just settling. i want this more than i ever wanted you. for so long you were so important and wonderful and i loved you, but you changed too much. i know i'm important to you too, though. it feels good that you want to be something more with me when we're older but i don't think i could give you that.

13. i'm not sure, but i want to trust you. sometimes i just don't understand. i want so badly to be treated like a princess, and that's a secret. i've always just been waiting and now i'm down on my knees.

14. i wish you didn't quit. it's catastrophic. seriously.

15. you made me feel awful about being nice.

16. sometimes i wish you would leave me alone, but i just pity you so much that i'm staying.

17. i think so lowly of you.

18. i could be so much more if your words didn't put me down so early.

19. i'm better than that person. i sincerely think that. i'm proud of who i am, and if you can't embrace that soon enough i'll be gone.

20. thank you so much. because of you, my life is beautiful. i know i'm where i am because you just couldn't put me there, and i would've thrown a fit if you weren't so amazing and honest and open. and now i'm here, and i'm glad i'm making you proud. all of this is for you, and i'm trying even more for you. i want to make you happy.

The Closest Thing

2007-08-02T18:43:00.000+08:00

You're the words that come out easy,
And I am speechless at best.
Your star it seems to shine above the rest.
You're the face before the cameras,
The smile i'd like to earn.
The closest thing to perfect,
In a hollywood to burn.
You're the beauty that is deeper,
Than eyes can merely see.
The closest thing to perfect.
~~But~~ And the ~~farthest~~ nearest thing ~~from~~ to me.

~~I'd love to be~~ I love being,
The shoulder that you cry on.
~~I'd love to be~~ I love being,
The friend you call when things are great.

You're the dream that hasn't ended,
And I'm still anxious for rest.
Your words they seem to hang above my head.
You're the bud before the flower,
Unfurls into full bloom.
Captivating beauty,
But it maybe all too soon.
You're the song that writes a story,
But leaves a lot to read.
The closest thing to perfect,
~~But~~ And the ~~farthest~~ nearest thing ~~from~~ to me.

And ~~like I really deserve a~~i take every chance to,
Sit across the table,
And tell you that I think you're wonderful.
And I think you're something special.
I guess this is my only chance to,
Say~~I wish~~ thank God I knew you,
Because I'm sure you're wonderful,
~~If I'd get to know you.~~
And now it's me and you.

i feel lonely

2007-07-29T21:31:00.000+08:00

okay, so maybe it's because i'm alone in my room right now and there's no one to talk to.. haha! anyway, i finally have my star shoes. weee. i want to pimp it but it scares me. this week has definitely been fun, for the most part. maybe it's because i'm generally happier now. i've been thanking God so much. i have so many blessings. i don't have everything i want, but i am happy. i realize how important it is to have a bestfriend. katha definitely gets my drift.

today my mom told me about kuya alan. he was going to buy his wedding rings. his budget was just 1k, for both rings. i can't imagine how humbling the wedding will be. they decided to not get married in church anymore, cause it's too expensive cause you'll have to have a reception after. he's leaving our house and i almost cried cause he was such a good kasambahay, to be politically correct. he'll take care of animals from now on, that's what he says. it's sad. i mean, happy for him, he's getting married, but i feel like crap cause i don't know, 1k is what? a shirt or 2 for me, and that's 2 wedding rings for him.. and i've always seen weddings as magical. i'm not saying this isn't but for it to take so much from them like their jobs just to be together, that's love.

anywya, i finished harry potter 7 already, and omgitwascool. i'm such a sucker for potter. such a guilty pleasure. jk rowling is a genius. i give her that. the way she wrote it was so nice. i really believe in loyalty and selflessness. i learned that as a kid, when i first read potter. it's taught me so much. tears im getting emotional that it just ended. no more harry potter save for the movies. it's sad that they never show peeves in the movies though. i wish magic were real sometimes. life would be so pretty that way. oh, and i think jk would be such a good psycho analyst. i now know why snape is like that, and petunia, and dumbledore and everyone else. i think jk rowling is one of the people i'd like to meet before i die, though i might've conversed with her a million times already in reading harry potter.

oh i wish i could have infinite free cuts. haha but then i'd miss school and wish for it. it's such a sick cycle.

i miss singing. i wish i could sing forever. and take pictures. and save people. and fight for what's right. i guess that's why i'm in UP too. to see people of infinitely different walks. it's so magical. and i love it, i love how people are responsible. when i look at people though, i imagine them as high school geeks. haha.

i wish i were tonks. i often want new haircuts. haha but then i miss long hair. i'm so so undecisive haha oh well. i wish i were a little more wild sometimes. i guess i need to be around more impulsive people. haha! anyway i feel like a spaceman cause my things are outerspacey.

oohh i can't wait to be with reiny again. hugs.

it's got to be and it's got to hit you

2007-07-26T20:29:00.000+08:00

i have to focus. focus focus focus. it's so hard to do that lately. things bug me. is this just a phase?

lately i'm learning the power of self. of thinking before you say things, before you act. little by little i'm starting to appreciate myself :) even in the littlest way. i'm becoming stable, and and i'm just driven to improve. i really want to be better. i want to be happy. i still cry a lot about one thing, but that's the only thing and in time it will be gone. my life is super. i thank God for where i am, and there are no regrets. on my part at least. what emotion is that? when you want to regret something for a person? haha what a feeling.

i love school, and i worry about some things but i just have to know that i can take 'em on, i guess. i just want things to be okay. life is marvelous, after all. it deserves to be lived. i know now what i want to do with my life, after photography. i want to be a human rights lawyer. but it's scary. there might be death threats, so i'm considering corporate law, but i want to do something meaningful with my life. so human rights is cool. and it's something i've always been affected with. seeing things happen and not being able to do anything about it sucks a lot. still thinking though.

i love my Rein bear a lot. isn't that the best cherry on top ever?

2007-07-23T23:58:00.000+08:00

I've been wishing on a star but I never could have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome travelling
Took one look in your eye, reached out to hold your hand
This is when I realized what I could never understand

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
Do you want to run away or do you want to stick around?

Do you want to be my one and only love?

the charade is over

2007-07-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

when they say things you don't know won't hurt you, it's just an excuse.

anyway, things will subside cause time heals all things. it can break things too, but time is bendable. you can choose things. tiny prayers to father time.

anyway, tennis has been really fun. i played 5 times this week, and i'm getting really, really dark. but it's all good. for some reason i don't really care about my skin tone. being brown means i'm not afraid to face the sun. alright!

college life feels pretty weird to me. the other day i got home at 2 am and i haven't really done that, save for prom and stuff. impulsive behavior to get your mind off things. it's weird how the people i'm with lately are just starting to grow on me. i mean, i've been around the same people more or less for eleven years and here i am in this totally new dimension. and it's UP. how many people went to UP diliman from my side of town? very little. even my friends from other schools are in admu dlsu and ust. so i've been wandering around lately, and i guess it's good. i really love my school already. i love the mix of people. and the scenery as well. and the profs are genii! haha.

saturday was strange. lucky me i saw jiggy g and arjay. but man, how the passion sucked. well the concept was just strange for me anyway. romnick sarmiento or sarmienta or i don't know wasn't such a fitting jesus. and the whole asia thing was strange. almost unreal. there were lots of things that could've used improving, really. so not a very good first play from dulaang UP.. but i guess the other plays are nice. that's what i hear at least. arjay and i laughed at it a lot. and romnick had tattoos. he looked arrogant too. jesus. npi. and i couldn't really sympathize wth mary. and the actors acted comedic, or maybe it was the lights. anywho, i'm in the mood to babble. i can't wait for the simpsons movie. spiderpig cracked me up so much. i really want to buy the homer philosophy but at the time i was in powerbooks i didn't have 800 to spare. next time i swear i'll buy that. and the toilet stuff. spiderpig spiderpig!!

i just got back here and i haven't unpacked for the week. tomorrow i swear, i will use the free day goodly. haha! i'm really learning about money lately. how fast it leaves. i never really thought of it in high school cause i just brought baon but now i think i'd like to monitor myself. or something, so i can treat myself to something over the weekend. when i'm not busy with school at least. it's funny how in the dorm, even if you aren't close to people, there's a bond. it's cool. people here are okay when they are. my friend gina is hilarious. she's korean. she buys so much food. she talks fun and she's really quite amusing. the best person i've probably met around here is pao. he's really kind and understanding. everyone thinks so. he makes sense when i talk to him and hen he tells me things. he's like an older brother. so is joe. for some reason we're in proximity a lot so people confuse us. and lira is a complex person. i don't know. she's really cool. the people here are. so i guess adjusting isn't so bad. i just broke down the other day cause i was really sad and needed katha or kitty. i realize how much we need each other and how much we miss each other. that's how we are when we talk. stories, stories. endless stories.

i realize i shouldn't get used to the base 50. people fail cause they were accustomed to it. i won't fail. yay me. i wanted to see the cs list so badly for inspiration but i didnt find it. oh well. its a small katipunan world. funny how i dont see the people i expect to see.

i'm still confused, but getting better.
life's a great oh well sometimes but hey,we will cope. :)

2007-07-19T22:23:00.000+08:00

it's like you not wanting me to go the day before the 7th.

except it's a different circumstance. much worse.

what the hell.

im not the one who wants to mess it up.

--

turn time fragile

la
la
la

today we didn't find the list but i'll find it. today today today how was today anyway?

i'd give up forever to touch you. asa.

2007-07-18T00:36:00.000+08:00

i slept to let the madness subside. they tell me it's okay, and i know it is, but i just don't want to think negatively of this anymore. so i slept and when i woke up, there it was.

nothing.

nothing for 6 hours. i remember the story jiggy told me about how mad he was at sari because she didn't text all morning because she left her phone at home and so he worried so much. oh well. nothing happens to finding a way. so yeah saying my side thank goodness i'm not wrong.

but i don't want to feel bad anymore. i just won't put any more effort in it. thank heavens for friends though, who sympathize and hug.

no more.

stoicism is my way today. so are sleep and random hugs. and studying too.

i know what i am.
i am not dirt i am not dirt i am dirt i am not dirt i am not ddddd

EGAD.

try to be strong, hannah.

overjoyed, yeah

2007-07-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

I LOVE YOU REIN :)

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

immortals of the open sky

2007-06-26T18:24:00.000+08:00

i've been trying to make ins and outs..trying to do what's best. i hope it all works out fine.

today was a good day. i joined 2 orgs. i'm super excited for tennis UP. to join, all i have to do is complete the 12 training sessions. and i'm finally done with the brutal quiz. imagine, 600 pages for a ten item quiz. sheesh. 4 numbers had all or nothing questions, like who were the three men who bla bla. i got a seven which wasn't so bad, i might've gotten the highest score cause when people were passing i saw threes and fives, but i know that if i had studied for like, 30 minutes more, i would've gotten those. and one mistake was wrong spelling. if only if only if only if only. tonight, i have to brainstorm for my art studies masterpiece and finish my comm 3 presentation. then i'll do math. i wanna become a tennis freak and take over the world.

i realize i'm becoming a workaholic grade conscious person. that's new! i have no homework and i feel sad cause i don't. i felt a thrill in answering the test! hahaha. or getting a 'good' from the teacher. i love UP. i love how they're all smart and i have to work so i can be like them. work HARD too keep up with the pace. i love the responsibility that comes with being an iskolar ng bayan. no one reads this so i can gloat and talk about things i really feel. but yes, i'm learning to love UP. i'm learning to appreciate more things because of it. i'm learning to prioritize. most of all, because of the diversity, i'm starting to grow up in the good way, i'm not anymore swayed by the majority. i can choose who i want to be. i don't draw in class even if my seatmate is. no way will i start smoking even if lots of people around me are. im trying to stick to what i think is right. in UP, you will never get crucified for difference. it's normal to have no ym. to have no computer. just yesterday, the professor asked why tj didnt write down his number. he said, sir im still saving up for it. he said it with no sense of pity whatsoever for himself. he knows he can work for it. little things like this inspire me so much. it makes me feel lucky. i know that my mom and i, as a family, we aren't rich. but we have more than enough. i'm inspired to work for what i want. i guess it is because of this that i get to face the issues around me right smack in the face, which di told me was an admirable thing. in a way, i've been braver. and i love life more than ever.

still, i know that things won't be easy always. but God wouldn't give me things i cannot conquer. no, i will not be living a sad life. Good put me where i am now, in somewhere new, somewhere unfamiliar and my task is to make whatever i can, feel like home. and in the process, learn new things. strive.

oh, the places i'll go.

2007-06-23T09:42:00.000+08:00

i keep on getting them. they haunt me all the time. it's like, even if amends are being made, they'll just always be there because they were put there. and spilled milk will just be spilled milk. you can't put it back in the glass no matter how hard you try.

for history's sake

2007-06-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

rein: are you mine forever?
rein: I wanna keep you!

of course. i'm all yours. you're the best thing that happened to me ever. i love you.

it's not where or what

2007-06-18T18:49:00.000+08:00

and i've still got your hand..

do i?

we have got each other.

do we?

2007-06-18T17:08:00.000+08:00

first this, and then that and NOW.

why did i have to find that out? i mean maybe i sort of knew it but i thought it was only in a drunken state and now i found out it's a conscious thing and it frustrates me because of this and that.

oh, when will you ever learn? when will i? die die die. haha..

otherwise, school's been good. i'm just going with the flow. i met new friends. yayy.

2007-06-13T18:47:00.000+08:00

i know it will be a long time before i learn to love myself again.things have been done, have been said, and i know the things i'll never have the heart to say, and i know that it will be a long time before i put those things in the basement. those things haunt me before i go to sleep. they're the monsters under my bed; they come up at night and live to scare me and make me feel bad.everyday i feel it. evey hour, maybe...at least once.

though i say things like there are storms inside me, it doesn't seem to matter. but there are and i don't have anyone to talk about it with. not that it was there before. i know i can't go back. i can't go back cause i'll feel guilty but those were the days that the way i looked didn't matter cause i was amusing and that was enough. things like this never mattered cause even if i knew of others, i knew i'd come in first cause i was an object of affection and you were fond of me, and you told me and i believed. i don't always believe. specially now, i don't believe at all. i feel like the second placer. yeah right, i'm the first. if i were, then i would be. i would know, and now i just don't. i'm never ever enough, not lately, and God knows i try. but it doesn't seem to matter. i know i have to learn to love myself. but it's just so hard cause it's all been done and i know what it means to be a trophy display of bruises. it hurts a lot.

i know it shouldn't be happening simultaneously. does it just happen because of the guilt?

but yeah, i have to deal with this cause i don't have what i used to. it's so hard to, alone.

i'll just be here, holding on to my big dreams.they're all i have. i swear i'll try try try to do good. focus, focus, focus.

it's so hard to believe. do i still?

you caught me offguard

2007-06-11T03:51:00.000+08:00

i love you immensely.

i LOVE the shower with the massage thingy. hahaha

oh oh oh.

i don't know what you mean.

i wonder how long it will take before it gets messy here again :))

plans oh plans.

--

Faded away like the color in a blue sky at the end of the day.
Night falls and the search begins for something better than this.

A scream or a cry, the truth or a lie,
I'm not sure they will save us this time.
I don't wanna be around
when it all comes down to watch something beautiful die.

happy monthsary

2007-06-07T23:22:00.001+08:00

in a bit..

half a year and counting. the most important fraction of time.

as you sleep, and no one is listening..

i hope you're at least dreaming of me

sappy

2007-06-07T13:21:00.001+08:00

i feel sad and happy. it's weird. actually i feel more sad than happy. i feel like such a bad person. i know i'm not, but i feel it. i feel selfish cause i feel angry right now and i know i shouldn't be. i don't feel a happy rush. they all left me again. i feel left out. i know i'll always have a reminder. reminders..everywhere. it's something i should try to avoid but i know i can't. i hate today. things always go wrong when they start with a tummy ache. i feel like crying. lately i just resort to staring unless i try or think too much about it or explain.. i feel so bad. i'm asking for too much. well i'm not asking for it, i'm just..thinking about it. and the worst part is, i'm angry. i've never been angry about it. hurt, sad..not angry. but now i'm starting to feel angry and anger is something i rarely feel. it's like i imagine a tantrum i know i'll never throw. i dont like this about me. i keep it all bottled up and i try to live with it and i end up feeling awful. i hate talking in fractions too. you always told me not to. but it's me when i dont trust something or i know i'll feel guilty about feeling i'll always be fractions. i want to be done with trying too hard to love this. i know i hate what's been forced on me. i know i don't like the absence of sensitivity. i know i don't like this feeling. i know this will always be here.

i wish it would just go away..but it's over and done and there's no turning back.

2007-06-02T23:14:00.000+08:00

hannah,

STOP BEING INSECURE.

you're special, too!

weeee.

goal before school starts: get over insecurity. it was the biggest high school lesson: if you compare yourself to others, you can't win. get a criteria.

make me still believe

2007-06-02T19:30:00.000+08:00

you're my favorite thing about the universe.

i wish i could always make you smile.

i'll be trying.

2007-05-30T13:42:00.000+08:00

i feel like i'm such a bad person

2007-05-30T12:12:00.000+08:00

why is it like this

sure feels right

2007-05-29T00:22:00.000+08:00

I LOVE YOU REIN I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOOOOOUUUU

hugs when you come back okay?

YOU LOOK LIKE BECKHAM RAW

you'll always be my "iknowthatface!!"

I MISS YOUUUUUUUUU

and we are :O MEANT

The Story of Charlie Brown

2007-05-27T22:41:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a sticker. His name was Charlie Brown. Charlie was actually a nice sticker. He lived in between the pages of a sticker book named Paula McCartney. Now, Charlie was a magical sticker. Unlike the other stickers, he had the superpower called jungyposey. This power allowed stickers to not stick. Other stickers couldn’t do that without a human hand, in which case they were dirtied and thumbprinted at the back. Now Charlie, with all his powers, eventually got to travel the world by sticking as a stowaway in travel bags in airports. In traveling, he learned a lot. He became a worldly sticker.

He met lots of other stickers, stickers of every kind! Bumper stickers which carried little bits of texts like, “HIT MY RIDE,” and “PRO GUN,” and “DOCTOR ON CALL,” all of which he found very odd. He met double sided stickers who never got to hug other stickers cause then they would have to get married. He even met peculiar stickers who could only stick once but carried so much value and were collected by humans called collectors.

All in all, Charlie Brown was very happy.

One day, he decided that he wanted something else. Something in him started beating. He knew that there was something more wonderful than jungyposey. Now, Charley needed help.

Our story is getting quite long and the author wants to take a shower.

It ends this way. Charlie, with all his smarts and lessons from books he spoke with (books are very smart, a part of the writer’s soul goes in between the pages) and wisdom from travel, decided he needed his home.

He realized that he was, actually, in love with Paula McCartney. So Charlie Brown, a sticker with a power, decided that he did not need his powers cause he just wanted to stick with Paula McCartney forever. They lived happily ever after.

Fin.

i will build a path to you

2007-05-26T10:47:00.000+08:00

there are so many things that i'd rather just overlook. but if it happens again, KILL. haha

tito and i, we're finally talking again!! going to his play was probably the best thing i've done this summer. well, one of the best things. i don't think i'll ever forget things like that. makes me want to be a better person i guess. but yeah, too bad we didn't talk even when he said he'd tell me things when he got home. it's okay, one step at a time. so every full moon.. haha.

still nothing..

oh well. i hope we hear mass today, and i hope it's father bob.

still missing rein. :/

LGFUAD

2007-05-24T21:54:00.000+08:00

things are going really bad in here. it's so hard to stay optimistic and shit.

for the first time i'm starting to really not take it through..go the other way..for the first time, things are just going ballistic in my head.

i can't wait to move out. i've never been a runner. but this time, i know it's the only way for me to be happy. a new place with no memories, a place waiting to watch you start new, a place that can encourage you, a place that believes in you. a place with happy sounds and happy stress, no screaming, no tear residue on your pillow. and if there was tear residue cause that's inevitable, a place with people who aren't afraid to hug you when you really need it. no prying, no acting like no one is affected. people who will not leave you alone at the table..stuff like that. people who will talk to you because they like talking to you, not because they need anything.

my mom is always just nagging me about stuff. i don't blame her. menopause is a nearing. it's a starting. but lately she's hot headed from work. she wants to talk to me but the things that fill my mind aren't talking stuff..not with mom at least. i'm finding things so hard. i dont have any privacy at all. probably why i cant talk to my mom. feels like everything she says is an invasion of privacy. i just can't let her in. she's my mom..not my bestfriend. i don't know. she is, kind of, but things are just so different.

and today. today was my kitty day and something so weird happened i don't know what to make of it. i hate it a lot. im supposed to have a happy hangover now but i dont have one. im just tired. haha. even the movie was tiring. pirates. haha i feel bad about keira and bloom. beautiful kiss though.

25 new messages. not one.

not one :(

i want explanations.. oh well. why was it just suddenly like that? and i'm just scared right now. striving for june 2nd.

the reality grows

2007-05-23T14:36:00.000+08:00

it's weird how i can break in between just a thunmb and an index finger but also how i can magically recover too.

i'm giving up. i wish to tell you how you didn't have to disappoint me that way. i wish to tell you how much i waited. maybe not all my life, but when it sunk in. if you're just going to give me false hopes, just please please tell me so i dont build up this expectation, that maybe you could change..when clearly its practically impossible for you. i forgave you, but i don't like you at all. specially now. i guess i never did. i had hoped you'd change that, but you didn't. on and on you just leave. always your back turned. i wish to tell you that and i think i just might. you suck.

why are some people like that?

i'm not falling apart. in fact i think i can start new. i hope i can. im not liking some things but im trying to change what i can. but what i can't, i'll leave and start anew..

i like beginnings.

it's these little things that stand the test of time

2007-05-23T01:47:00.000+08:00

hannah: i think
hannah: stars quiver
hannah: its cool
hannah: i noticed it before
hannah: they dont shine
hannah: they quiver
rein: quiver like twinkle?
hannah: well not twinkle
hannah: maybe
hannah: but its definitely quiver
rein: wait i'm dictinarying quiver
rein: haha
hannah:
hannah: ako nga rin
rein: rapid movements like trembling
rein: maybe yeah stars do quiver
hannah: well thats what they do right?
hannah: its like they're cold
rein: they're probably tired of being stared at
hannah: and need hugs
hannah: yea
rein: and want someone to feel them
hannah: EXACTLY
hannah: someone to hug
hannah: them
rein: so I guess you're done quivering?

i love you Rein

2007-05-23T01:31:00.000+08:00

you mean everything to me.

parallel synchronized randomness

2007-05-22T01:19:00.000+08:00

i'm REALLY overwhelmed by the things happening around me right now. i'm waking up to so many truths..so many challenges. what do you do to make IT in this world anyway? it's unfair, how pretty girls seem to get advances. haha. i was looking through things and i realized how much i feel alone and stuff.

i still miss rein. its clouding my head jkdhakljhlakjfhdakldhlasdhlhdkhkhkahjklahkh thats the cloud taking over haha.

i need to be more goal oriented. one step at a time.

i miss my Reiny. it's sad.

ANSWER MY PRAYER..PLEASE I NEED THIS FROM YOU. THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.

time is never time at all

2007-05-20T12:02:00.000+08:00

i realized last night that i'm lucky to be human.

if i were a robot, i'd think i'd be broken everytime i leaked. since i'm human, i'm free to cry and maybe, at that given time, we are, figuratively, broken, but something about being human makes you know that even without tools, you'll be fine in the end.. life is so much bigger than we make it, most of the time. maybe we just don't have the chances to make it as big as we want to, but i don't know, i think most of the time it's in our hands..or in our heads. and lucky we're humans, cause hey, we can take charge. seeing what i saw made me think a lot. being human is a responsibility..our responsibility to the world.. to live, to die big and make the dash sign of our birth and our death bigger than the numbers around it. to make that mark, even just a small one. it's our responsibility to take care of those who coexist with us. like, for example, the animals. they can't start wars against us. they can only watch their homes being destroyed and taken away. it's weird how our wants can take away their needs, and ultimately, their lives too. animals are amazing creatures yet some humans, who tend to forget that they are, are just derided with all their vanity and it puts them up, not knowing that they put others down. it's hard to imagine what one tiny face can do with the magnitude of things happening. i'm still on that. haha

meanwhile, things have been pretty much better. not a bad summer at all cept for rein not being there. friends are making things better. props to X for our meantime happy day and for going with me in the undercover mission. and to kitty for pirates! hope hope hope. such a bishy. haha.

i'm looking forward to a lot of things. i'm moving in soon! i'm really hoping for the best. meanwhile, i'm just trying to make things better. i have an addiction for gilmore girls. haha. i'm nutty as ever. i'm telling myself bedtime stories for sleep! haha. in my mind everything just seems right.

subic was fun. hell yes. got kissed by a camel. i've taken a liking for camels, mind you. haha. i'm in love with sea lions too. a tiger was put in my lap! haha i really don't like narration. specially typed up, so my uber cool experience ends there for here. haha.

seeing her was so awkward. i can't explain it.

i really believe in.. things.

I AM MISSING YOU TO DEATH.

random

2007-05-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

i feel sick. my head's all woozy and stuff! haha

i'm thinking of how little things reflect the big things.
how patience in little things like orders or in school can reflect you patience in learning something or in becoming something big
how wasting things like money without thinking can reflect how you waste things without thinking of consequence
how giving loose change reflects how people openly give themselves to other people
how fear in trying things like new haircuts or roller coasters show how people take risks

thoughts like these are useless, it justhey just get you disappointed
when they may not necessarily be true

i'm sad.
sorry
im like this when im sad
i resort to thinking. i try not to think of sad thoughts though but when i get started its hard to stop
so its better to start thinking at random.

bedtime stories
i like bedtime stories the ones i make in my head of things happening in the secret place i go to when im bothered haha

imma start reading for one more day. wee.

tearstears

2007-05-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

i'm at that point in time when the hero, that would be me, stops his world in search of something more. i suddenly have that lost feeling. i guess it's always been there. it's just been amplified by the sinking in of some people not being there..and that rein's not here when i guess that since last summer he's always been there to tell me that things will be okay. i don't quite have a grasp of those things right now. haha! i guess today is self assesment day. where am i? or better, who am i? who have i become?

i've been staring at that blinking line and i don't know how to answer the question i have troubled myself with. but i know i want answers. haha.

i just want to be so much more than who i am. i feel like such a failure..i know i can do more but i'm just so lazy. i really have these dreams..it's just that some things aren't in my hands.

i think i more or less know what i want. i know what i fear. i'm not sure about the things i can and can't do. i guess it just means that what i can is limitless. it's all in my head.

later..

i'm a bit sad. actually i was extremely sad a while ago but i'm happier now i guess. one of those days.

ate ming's back. it's good to know that. even if she's usually on thephone it's just great to have her back.

I MISS REIN.

this is torture.

lalalalallalalalalala

2007-05-15T20:15:00.000+08:00

irish_eve32: mahal na mahal ka tlga nya eh
irish_eve32: pati ngayon ko lng tlga xa nakita na ganyan

Reinard (5/15/2007 6:09:37 PM): brad brad..pwde mo tawagan si hannah?
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:09:40 PM): di ako rinerplyan eh
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:09:48 PM): tanungin mo lang kung nakauwi na siyang bahay
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:09:52 PM): o kung safe siya
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:10:01 PM): hindi ko lam pano siya umuwi eh
Jc (5/15/2007 6:10:07 PM): cge sandali lng
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:30:50 PM): braaad
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:30:55 PM): pwede mo tawagan sa bahay?
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:30:58 PM): natatkot ako eh
Jc (5/15/2007 6:31:05 PM): ano number?
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:31:15 PM): 5217251
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:31:28 PM): kung busy 5242730
Jc (5/15/2007 6:31:33 PM): cge sandali lng
Reinard (5/15/2007 6:31:39 PM): salamat

I MISS YOU, REINY.
i promise i won't let worry like that again. and sorry you had to go online at 6:30 am there just to check if i was home. i love youuuuuuu. you're all i ever think about.

these words will be here to ease every fear and dry up every tear and make it very clear, i'll kiss you and i'll know..

i miss rein

2007-05-14T01:09:00.000+08:00

i will overuse and abuse that sentence.

i thank God my mom is my mom.

happy mother's day! props to the most special moms.

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss yooouu

iIOYOASIDHOAKSDHLkdhsodhqiohdiopqjhdioehdihihdkwdhfwhf

i LOVE you
i love everything
every detail
every part
every word
every thought
the little things you do just draw me closer
closer
i can never leave

you're so far away
but i feel near..

it's been only 3 days yet i long to feel your embrace..there are more than several days yet until i could see your sweet face..

rein i miss you

i'm going insane

i never thought..

i'm feeling things i never thought were there

i fell in love in love with you suddenly

I CANT SLEEP.

tick
tock
tick
tock

im still awake
maybe turning the computer off would help
but
i dont know
why
why
why
please oh please
answer my prayer

i'd give it up..i gave it up for this..

sorry labo :))

i
just
need
you
now

keeping myself busy and sweaty! haha

I MISS YOU, REIN BEAR.
i hope that you're happy.
i love love love LOVE you.*

2007-04-25T22:30:00.000+08:00

i have wounds in many places. haha! my fingers are bleeding. i'm a walking open wound.. and i bumped my head it's bruised. i'm bruised and broken.

i've had enough of unnecessary secrecy too! :D but i'm game for polka dot trunks. and underwater kisses, friends doing the deed, colored hair and extra peircings with losing and balancing, knowing new things, what happens to who and extra runs. what a day..

i'm dying. i feel it! might as well make it fun. i am brutal too. i am not kind i will forgive everything hannah today. i condemn people! i condemn the government of the philippines. i condemn the people who dont abide by the law. i condemn the kaingin and muro ami people. i condemn the people i hate im just too lazy to give em all. i don't know. it's up to us to live up to the image and likeness wtf am i saying im just sad and mad right now i guess for all the wrong reasons and the most unexpected people.

am i ready?

2007-04-20T11:47:00.000+08:00

yes you're ready

--

count on my mom to make things better when she senses that i'm sad and when she sees my puffy eyes. she scheduled a leave from work so we could explore UP today, pick my bed and then watch a movie. i LOVE my mom.

and tennis! i love it! my team is undefeated! i am a proud, proud team leader. something about being in tennis makes me really REALLY happy and it's not the endorphines because i feel sad again when i leave. oh and go sat on the slim space beside me even if.. aaaa. haha my knee touched even if it was disgusting and sweaty. and this kid likes me she hugs me and holds my hand. haha strangers and yet they seem to care.

God's really nice. When he gives you bad things or really hurtful things, it's his way of probably bringing you back to him and showing you through good news or little slivers of happiness, unexpected calls, funny stories and sarcastic tv shows that life still is good..even if it hurts in the parts that matter.

i don't know how i'll handle things but i am a strong believer that people CAN rise above themselves. sometimes, it's my downfall..but in the end, that same belief makes ME rise above myself, which is what really matters anyway.

i don't know if it can go on like this.

..altogether wonderful to me.

i'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning

2007-04-18T16:30:00.000+08:00

at least to you?

--

well i'm happy for me. i'm excited for college. i love where i'll live. i love tennis! i love the class. i even love how they make jokes about my long legs and how i should join 100-m dashes. haha i love running. i love loralie and rory! lalalala.

oh please please please please.

things are looking okay. i just have to remember this!

and i have to keep on praying.

go hannah!

wee.

gigil

2007-04-16T21:17:00.000+08:00

i have energy still give me the sun give me the court give give gigigigive me

aaaa

i
smell
you
on
my
clothes
and
my
skin
it's
weird

i miss you

oh, the places i'll go.

2007-04-11T20:21:00.000+08:00

we like our slow internet! we can dance and hug and eat while waiting. if we had dsl, we'd be quite boring, unloved and malnourished!

haha. gilmore girls cheers me up.

i've just started tennis. 2 hours a day with extension. oh dear. under the sun. i'm not used to that kind of tennis. it's tiring but i'm finally on my way to something. i also have my summer goals. by the end of the summer, i will be a magician. i will also lose some weight. which no adult will approve of so i guess, i will make my belly shrink by an inch or so. haha. i will be such a great decider you know? i'm thinking of more goals.

my summer is only fun because of Rein. haha. i don't really know if we'll be doing anything this year, everyone's so stuck up.

and oh, three grueling weeks in may.

i think i'd like to fix my room too, and fix myself. not that i can do it alone. i think i've been sort of fixed by Rein but a lot of fixing has to come from me too. i wanna scold myself sometimes for being so stubborn.

i'm learning self control too. in the long run, it will matter a lot. a lot. so i'm glad that i'm learning self control. it's in my hands, after all. we're all just a little too stubborn.

most important is, i found the secret to happiness. in fact, it is so secret, that even i don't know what it is. i'm just happy. maybe it's you. i think it is.

so there, it isn't so secret after all. it makes all the difference.

i'm trying to think of things a little more.

growing up. oh the perils.

but oh! the places. i'm in love with dr. seuss. i thank God i had him as a kid. he was the best doctor.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

i surrender to You

2007-04-06T18:55:00.000+08:00

take me as I am.

I never minded calling You a King
If that meant that I could count on You
To give me everything
I never thought to ask You
I always thought You knew
It was never my intention to question You
You never minded calling me a child
Well, I guess that's how I acted all the while
But You live through every tantrum, You see through every lie
Though they seem to be more common
I just wanted You to know why oh why

Unforgetful You, unforgetful
Unforgetful You, so unforgetful

You never minded giving us the stars
Then showing us how blind and unaware of You we are
You painted me a picture and showed me how to see

Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In Your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move You compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "see the art in me"

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to You in awe once again

home into your arms again

2007-04-06T11:21:00.000+08:00

when God realizes that sometimes, you have no home house structure to go to, he finds a way to get you to sanctuary.. almost secret places that bring you comfort. places that maybe only you can ever see the way you do.

and there's no place else i could be..

that's my sanctuary.

oh dear oh dear

2007-03-31T14:58:00.001+08:00

im having such a bad day and days like this, i only get happy when i think of you.

this sadness and these troubles are hopefully just temporary.

oh futures.

oh, it is love

2007-03-30T12:48:00.000+08:00

i didn't know i meant that much to you

:)

ALIW.

i'll never ever forget that, ever. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I LOVE YOU

the grad ball was the best because of you.

so much

2007-03-28T10:41:00.000+08:00

How does it feel to know you're everything I need?
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want?
I've got a hard time saying this..

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one

How does it feel
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

Hold on to me
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Hold on to me
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I won't let you down

Just you and I in the sweet unknown
We can just call each other our home

If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace

How does it feel?

2007-03-26T01:51:00.000+08:00

dear Rein,

i love you so much.
thank you for this smile on my face
and for the stars i see in the sky even when it is cloudy
and for the rainbows i see when it is raining
and for the laughs i laugh when i am crying (labo)
and for making water taste like gumdrops
and for making the little disasters seem more like little tea parties
and for making music
and running smile factories
and invisible tissue tear wipers
and tiny drawings that fill my heart
and magic like tinkerbell dust
thank you for being tall
like when i cant reach my dreams even when i tiptoe, you help me get to them
thank you for this
and life
and love

oh, it is love.

am i making sense?

thank you God, perfect timing. :)

i don't know

2007-03-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

I'd rather be drowning, than swimming away,
that's something that will never change,
I swallow regret, and hope for the best,
if this is all that i can do

this is why I never try, to make it seem we shouldn't leave,
this is why I never try

this air is contagious, no one can save us, but I wait

I must confess, I'm not impressed, there's nothing worse than losing you,
I must confess, I'm not the same like all good things

--

i don't like the fluctuations

but we're looking good

fluctuations only mean that i'm not giving up

this world can swallow you whole, never be taken alive.

--

i don't feel like im anything to anyone lately. that what i do doesn't really count for anything but i guess it's okay.. no one really cared here but i guess they just didn't know what to say or something.

being around insecure people makes me insecure too. i need to quit insecurity, it's just tearing me apart. if no one will believe in me i guess i have to believe in myself.

i was so inspired by the pursuit of happyness. haha. we are all destined for some kind of greatness i think. destiny isn't passive anyway. it's a challenge we have to live up to and for.

i feel so helpless sometimes but i know that someday, it will all make sense..

oh dear God, i need you so much. God is enough. i sing for joy at the work of your hands, forever i love you, forever i stand.. nothing compares to the promise i have in you.

This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there

rise and fall with yours

2007-03-07T02:18:00.000+08:00

i just want you here.

won't you hold me now?

for you i rise, for you i fall.

argh Rein i miss you to pieces

your side of the world

2007-03-07T01:38:00.000+08:00

don't be so scared.

i wish time went perpetually slower everytime i'm with you. i like being with you because i like being with you, not because it's sweeter that i can't always be.

i always hate being ten minutes away.

;uycdhfklbhljkasghblxkjhasdjklfhblsjkhklsdjfhkldcnlkakldhfalkhdf

i'm going CRAZY i wish 17 would come so i can be with you againnnn

--

i can't wait for exams next week.

i feel old :))

annnd

UP diliman it is.

the tough gets going.

2007-02-28T01:53:00.000+08:00

i feel so up against the wall. i don't have my recess and lunch because of meetings. when i get home, i'm too tired so i end up falling asleep on my reading. why do we get so much reading crap? it's so tedious. my days are so tedious. ms galan is stressing me out. she called my mom to say blabla your daughter is the only one i can trust to do the work blabla which i think is unfair. my grades are suffering. i don't like getting just right scores, it annoys me. for the third time since second year, i failed a longtest. there's so much i have to do. im a kabazillion chapters behind in mga ibong mandaragit. i have to study math. there are so many projects. on top of that, planning. cham's debut which is days away. grad song competition this friday. star city with aetas this friday too. overnight from friday to saturday. the frickin concert on friday. we havent dropped scores for crying out loud. i don't know if i can handle the ovenight and then the concert the same day and then rush to the la salle ball. on top of that the teachers are on this self study stint which sucks because there are so many interruptions so we have to do it all at home. my house isnt exactly conducive for learning. i have to wait till the tv sets are all off. oh and im hungry :)) we discussed college again which scares and frustrates me its so unknown blabla i could go on

oh, and my thoughts are NOT stupid, fish! you don't have to do that.

i feel so bad

but days like these, i learn to see the people who really, truly, genuinely care for me. people who take time away from themselves to ask me how im doing and to make sure i survive this. people who will forget themselves for a while. people who help. people who know how to make me smile and people who actually make me smile. people who lose sleep for me. people who exert extra effort. i'm grateful for people who aren't really close to me but are sensitive enough to feel my pain. haha. i nearly cried when aie raised her hand when i was asking who could please encode the messages. it felt like a million years before someone carried the weight of her own arm. i mean, i don't really expect people to actually do things for me but the fact that they're willing is enough. i thank God for people who rise above themselves. people who surprise me. people who don't make the going tougher than it already is. people who make sure i'm alive. for my mom. for my friends who'll give up a few minutes of their time. for the random hugs. for the words which give me will to go on with this for just a little more.

hannah feels strong at 2 am! haha. no sleeping for me today. i am super! i will get through wednesday. and the days after. i can do it, thank you.

i won't let anything hold me back.

don't jerk around, don't be a fish

2007-02-27T19:23:00.000+08:00

times have been tough for me lately and this is not helping.

i wish i could just wake up and forget about all this one day.

i don't feel so special. haha!

i read the joy luck club til infinity and we didnt discuss it. man i couldve read panitikan

i failed economics. highest score was 58/90. nuff said. i got a 41 :( i feel stupid.

i'm tired.

but i know i can do this! haha.

easy hannah.

people can disappoint you. maybe i should lower my expectations

even if deep inside i know people can rise above their situation.

sometimes.

dear hannah you are super and i love you love hannah

in any other world

2007-02-25T13:54:00.000+08:00

i wish losing things didn't hurt so much.

i treat my things like people.

i don't fix them in neat piles. i put them in places which look comfortable. i let my things hug each other and kiss each other. in my world my camera marries the pillbox. i dress my things up. i kiss them.

this makes losing things so HARD.

--

i hate selfish people.

jklhal;fndladklahdajkxklgiehrehrklhdjlaknam,x

these days are tests from God.

:(

time, such clumsy time

2007-02-19T19:57:00.000+08:00

in a fast paced world, it's hard to stick to the things you believe in.

nothing's ever black and white.

your own rules

well they're twisted.

clementine

2007-02-14T20:17:00.001+08:00

i've been told by quino i think that if you cannot love yourself, you cannot or should not love love someone else. i don't know if there's any truth to this though. i guess you shouldn't think you're any less than who it is.. yeah. i remember reading that most of the time we fall in love with people with the traits we dont or want to have. probably why they say that opposites attract. ha ha.

so what am i saying? i guess this isn't for you but anyway, we should stop dwelling on THAT. it's taking up our time. and i suddenly feel a distance.

--

today was --

valentine's day sucks.

but sex is good (sinangag express)

i wish

nvm :))

--

there are just some things in life that we can't avoid. things that we couldn't avoid and so we watched it happen. it made us feel bad but we didn't have a choice. and we can't avoid knowing that it HAD to happen. and you just stand there and cry in front of everyone because you feel so helpless. it's the worst feeling after regret.

my posts are getting long. i guess i still need people who'll tell me what to do and what they think and lately i just don't have that but it's okay i guess i have to figure it out on my own. if only that didn't make me feel so alone.

i've been thinking without telling :))

oh dear.

i need to write a list of things i want to and have to do before i graduate.

maybe to feel real

2007-02-14T00:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes, we get carried away by the moment that we forget about the people who really matter. we forget about the people who're in it for us..the people who tell us they love us, the people who actually show it, the people who try to suck up to us when we're not ourselves. we get caught up in our own misery that we forget that it's in these times that the bigger thing out there..fate? i dunno not really, but whatever it is gives leeway for us to find people who will care for us no matter what. people who sense that something is wrong. people who don't need to find out why, but people who will assure us that everything will be okay and that they will be there for us. and in the end they're right. things eventually feel okay. we see that life is real with the pain we just couldn't take at first. as the pain gets tangible, so do the people. we get used to the pain. one day we wake up and realize it's gone and there's a surreal feeling of newness that seems so uncomfortable in a good change way. it's something you've felt before. something ancient. and then you realize that you're happy.

i'm just not sure if i'm happy in every aspect. but having people around me makes everything okay, everything bearable. having people who love me makes life worth the live. well, having people people makes you capable of the live itself. haha.

Please God please

so who's gonna watch you die?

2007-02-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

it's strange.

i can't get it off my head.

please, God.

note to self

2007-02-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

i forgive you for being insecure. you have the right to.

hahhahaahahahahahaahahahahaha.

it doesn't show anyway.

i think it's okay i can't do anything about it

why is it a big deal to me? haha

oh hannah when will you ever learn?

i'm trying :))

so far awaaay.

we could hide inside ourselves..

make believe there's something left to find.

you're always in my heart.

it's all for you.. and my worst pains are words i cannot say

2007-02-12T22:34:00.000+08:00

still i will always..

~~i don't need this from you today.~~ i'm sorry.

there's so much on my mind. my thoughts are like little insects that eat me up whole.i can't explain it. it's today. like tears are welling up inside my head and im just to stubborn to let them out so i resort to silence and laughter.

and my one saving grace.. i guess not tonight. i must have done something wrong.

why is this happening to me? i guess it's God shaping me. maybe things will work out fine in the end. i hope they will. i just..i dunno. i was on the verge of losing one things.

lately i think im being detached from things i've always held on to. on purpose? i don't know. i don't know anything anymore. i'm shaken up.

i miss feeling close to God, i miss praying and thinking that things will be fine. i guess i have to put more faith--in things, in people, in God. it's all i have. i need to count my blessings. it's hard when bugging things outweigh them though. lately im just quiet but there's just so much.

why this one toooooooooooooooooo whyyy. i feel so worthless. maybe i am. wait no one is. maybe im making myself worthless. i try not to. i just dont know where to put time. i feel so selfish lately with my prayers. maybe i am. sometimes i really really think that since i was a mistake in the first place maybe its all an accident and im just a filler or a burden i dunno that scares me a lot. what scares me most is this process of losing. its so hard to just accept. if only i were a little bit more like the lifers i have for friends.

aaaahck. and i thought it would be there even for a while. today im wrong. i got hurt

being with you here makes me sane i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side

2007-02-11T13:23:00.000+08:00

well i miss you so much it's CRAZY.

oh well just a little more time and i think it won't be this way.

anyway, my days have been so -- lately.

another touch, another taste, another fix

i need something.

the first star i see may not be a star...

2007-02-08T02:26:00.000+08:00

time, such clumsy time... if not now, when?

when you tell me, i really really believe you. i know you mean it and i thank God everyday that you are here and you are with me. i always always pray for the best. i want time and i want time with you.. and that's what feels right to me. i just hope and pray all the time. you know.

i really believe in forever.

so many things have been happening to me lately.. i've been praying hard. i'm having a hard time with some things but i guess this is a memory being weaved. i guess these are just trying times. times which try you, times you have to try. i just can't understand some things yet but i guess it's all part of grwing up or something.

i just can't wait to be safe in your arms again.

i've always been afraid.. today i tried and i know i'm done with that. i just wanted to see. i've been talking to the most unexpected people lately. i mean i feel a distance from michelle and katha due to the fact that they are either asleep or doing something for school but i totally understand that they have their grades to hold on to. as for me, i'm just trying for high school. i don't think i left a mark anywhere. i don't know. everything i've always believed has been challenged lately. well not really, but you know, i just feel really insecure lately. what i once thought i had, i feel like i dont have anymore.

i've been musing lately and i guess it's the senior year blues or something. i want to leave the shit they're putting us through but i don't think i'll ever leave the people or the memories. not the heartaches not the smiles not anything. i guess life's like that. we need to grow too. and whatever this is, there must be a good reason for it. i learned that from you. in fact, i'm learning a lot. more than i think i'd learn.

i've been talking to my dad. he says i make him cry. he says i have a nice smile. he says that he thinks of me a lot when he is alone. he says that he is touched that i consider him my father. i don't know what to feel in all of this. i guess i feel overwhelmed. or maybe i'm growing up. i've definitely forgiven him but there's still his gait that screams out stranger. i am touched by his efforts and i still look up to him. it's just not tangible but i can still feel it.

i have more to think about though. in these moving times, sticking to who you really are is getting harder and harder. even harder if you really don't know what that is..

but anyway, i'm happy. i have no choice. i have to be enduring. and i have to sense everything. what good would all this be if i didn't? i'm really trying. there's only one sure thing. everything else seems to be a haze to me...

i can do this.

sunday secrets.

2007-02-04T17:22:00.000+08:00

i love you in many parts.

i love you like early mornings
like cold and slept on pillows
and sunspots on blankets and dusty light coming out on windows
all quietly whispering, "wake up, love."

i love you with a love that thinks
a love that grows
and a love that transcends time
a love that knows for sure.

i love you with a love of a million hands
hands that creep secretly, slowly
into the chasms of who i am
hands that dig for truth and for hope, hands that dig for sparks.

i love you with a love that feels
i love with a love that smiles and laughs
gets jealous and gets hurt, a love that cries
i love with a love human in all senses of the word

i love with a love of wasted years
struggling to come alive
and stops ticking away the hours
a love that found life from your breath

i love you in many parts, in countless ways
like shrunken life forms
(dreading the street sign that says 'you'll be leaving soon')
forming something extraordinary

when asterisks mean something bad

2007-01-22T13:23:00.000+08:00

** - see notes REYES, HANNAH MARIA CARMINA SANTOS Pending Case

--

i didn't pass. :( but it's okay this means i'm going to ateneo. haha. and my name is still on the list! but i feel kinda bad. i mean it doesnt mean that i didnt pass right? i dunno!! I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT PENDING MEANS haha i will hate that word from now on.

but yeah.

i will just excel in where God put me.

2007-01-11T19:59:00.000+08:00

i don't really need to be online now. we don't have homeowork. but every single day i check my mail and read the senders' names in hopes that one of those names is yours. and every single day, i disappoint myself.

maybe my hopes were too high. maybe i put too much faith in human goodness. whatever. i guess life's supposed to go on, as always..

a part of me still wants to believe though.

today wasn't really my day. NCAE was fucked. so was the proctor. it was pretty much a waste of time.

::refrain from cheating.
::now look at the box that says gender. shade the circle that says male or female. for example, if you are a girl, shade 'female.' if you are a boy, shade 'male.'
::are you GHGGJ scholar? shade yes or no. for example, if you are a JHGJV scholar, shade 'yes.' if you are not a OUIUHMKJK scholar, shade 'no.'
::on the board, the time allotment for each part of the test is written. now you can begin. when you are done with a given part of the test, proceed to the next. so in short, the time allotment is useless.
blablabla plus so many typos and stupid math.

why does tonight have to be my non busy night?

like most people these days, my breaks today were used for sleeping. i don't usually do that because i want to spend my last few months in highschool awake, bonding with people. i don't want to miss a thing. but i can't take it anymore. i wish i could manipulate time. it's all for escape. i feel so useless. i dont like what they are doing to us. here's one thing that finally counts as something and they have to take it away.

i'm not in the mood for anything anymore. my life is static. i have so many things in mind but so many things are stopping me. i wanna cry but this house is full and when people see me with puffy eyes they'll ask. i hate this absence of privacy of solitude of silence of doing things right of family of freedom of space of space to make mistakes of encouragement of everything

today i won't deny that

i only have one saving grace and i dont know

i dont know
i dont know
i dont know

don't we all.

more than anything, i wish i had someone to share this with. it wouldn't hurt so much if i did. being alone sucks.

i need something to touch me to move me. hope. i need time. i cant even talk to you. :( i cant talk to people so much because i have so much to do and im weary at the end of the day and i dont want to think about things i've thought about

i want to cry. i hate this feeling of tears behind my eyes. of holding back.

still, i hope for the best. crying won't do me any good. i have to find ways. i have to focus. my grades aren't even pretty. i want to go away today i want to fall in love with life again. i am, but i don't feel it in every nerve of my body. maybe because im still not over some things or i havent trashed these weird feelings inside of me. maybe because looking at them makes me insecure. i wish i were pretty too. i put so much faith that maybe tomorrow my life will be a life but i might disappoint myself. i hope i don't though. i have love and i have God. Both are related to hope though. these hopes and fears are all i have.

"Hannah, bakit lagi kang masaya?"

it's because of that.

the things in my jaded mind

2007-01-05T13:59:00.000+08:00

i fear failure. well i don't really fear it, but in this case, i do. it just scares me to death, like i failed my future.

PLEASE LORD.

i am also praying that nothing bad will happen when you talk. i mean, no one can really win here, if we talk about sides or something. it's just weird.

I'M SO SO SO SO SO S C A R E D.

i wanna cry.

ha ha ha ha...

letsee

2006-12-28T20:32:00.000+08:00

so.

i don't know i'm outa words to say maybe i'll drift away somewhere into the future or does the future suck? either way i should forget the future for now. for now. like people ought to forget the past. but not the present.

so.

let's be random.

i miss my classmates
i miss katha and michelle who are both away as i am stuck here
i miss my other friends who are away as i am stuck here
i want to go away too
but it's okay i am away enough
busy, sort of. there are so many things i would like to do, i would like to begin but cant because i am too lazy to do so which is VERY BAD and i know im sorry im incoherent

looking at kids makes me think of what else i could've been

but im fine where i am now

2006-12-27T21:20:00.000+08:00

I haven't done anything productive over the break, and i don't know why. well i do, it has to be laziness, but still. i swear to study from january 3-8. i promise. i will geek out on those days, so help me please, God.

today, ate ming and i went out to go shopping. i spent 1500 of my christmas money already, sadly. but oh well! ate ming and i just talked and talked and talked and. yeah. :( :) i guess we're just special.

i hope my mom allows me to go to highlands.
i hope everything turns out fine.
i hope i hope i hope

2006-12-26T20:39:00.000+08:00

the explanation of hannah's every form of sadness..

is pms.

i mean what else could it be? i always get sad ONLY towards the end of each month.

i hate it :))

i passed la salle. 1 down 2 to go. PLEASE GOD PLEASE

it's so nice to be loved by you

2006-12-19T03:52:00.000+08:00

i'm up because you're up and i don't know what to do. i hope you're okay was i too late?

it's in quiet moments like this that i find what's real, and i know this love is. so this is what all those poets and great people have written about and here and now, i feel it too.

we're making it against all odds, together.

i know today was eventful but i'm glad things are better.

Rein Gomez, i super kaduper tilted 8 forever love you *

--

and now we're standing face to face,
isn't this world a crazy place?

2006-12-19T02:55:00.000+08:00

I feel bad that you feel that way. God bless you, dears. :)

Do not ever judge a man until you've walked two moons in his moccasins.

And don't you ever dare say what you do not have the license to say. Don't ever say things if you don't really know. That aside, I know that you do not really care. Thank you though, you've made me even more driven to keep this together.

And I swear I will.

busy busy busy

2006-12-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

im busy as in super kaduper but i think i can manage because i did not cram. but yeah. i don't wanna write things im not supoposed to write or even think here.

physics longtest
pinoy quiz!!
christmas carol
panoy long test
THE THANKSGIVING CONCERT
the becky's pics
aeta scrapbook
kampilan stuff
math longtest
economics homeworksssssssssssss
the grammar 5 page related literature
the science 5 page related literature
publicity invites guestlist program spiels
physics mobile

all but the aeta scrapbook by this week. and to top it all off, i go home every frickin day at 8 pm. cept fridays, they're erratic. i wonder when i'll have time for me. and tennis. it's been what, 2 weeks? :( i wanna go christmas shopping but all my saturdays are full too. thank God for the eco trip to world trade. lalalalala. i realized i have library books overdue since october 2 but the lib closes at 530 and my dismissals are at that time or seven what can i do? my life is so funny.

don't get me wrong, i'm happy, i just don't have time. or maybe we all do, but mine's filled up. whatever. the only thing bothering me is college results :( i wanna sleep but oh well :)) GO ME. i am super. because of you.

the immaculate conception

2006-12-09T16:27:00.000+08:00

days like that should last and last and last.

i love Rein. he makes me happy. and everything else that i once typed here and then deleted. haha.

i have so much to do.

toodles.

kdhkajhkahdlkdljkghdks

2006-12-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

i don't know life is weird. but i know i know things andlohfkj ahfkah fkhdfkhapdfh

haha this sucks im so tamad to write

i would just like to thank God for everything that has been happening.

i need a miracle.

2006-11-25T12:13:00.000+08:00

i have an 82. in pinoy. i really have to focus. i guess i have to start working harder. tearstearstears. i am grounding myself from watching the beegees.

it's funny how some things suddenly resurface. or something. when you don't need them. i've been so happy lately. i'm trying to stay positive and it's working. only time will tell though. i think it is. haha! i swear that if i don't keep up my promises, i'm giving up something important to me. and i wouldn't want that :)

i watched happy feet last night. i don't know. i'm suddenly happy all over. mambo is so so so cuuute. i know i'm being all girly and stuff but i swear hahaha his feet are happy raw. heartsongs are cool. and so is queen! they sang somebody to love and it's so cute. the ending was just weird.

what else what else. i don't know :)) there's just too much happening. i'm burning out in a while

i'd ditch 'em all for a night with you

2006-11-19T03:25:00.000+08:00

it's hard to say things. it's easier to show them. i don't know what to do. haha! i'm so scared of losing this one. even if you say you'll stay. will you? i hope so. i'll just take it a day at a time and keep my fingers crossed. i haven't been this happy or this hopeful in a long time. i haven't been this driven or this nice. i haven't been this brave. or this..you know.

i've been lss-ing on all the happy songs. a love like this doesn't happen too much :))

tomorrow's the aeta immersion and i haven't packed. the faculty concert was fabulous. our teachers are so super. so many things are happening and i'm losing track of life. it's beautiful though. i need to study for MIM. my grades are getting better but i know i have to work harder. it's my condition and way of balancing things. haha do you get what i'm saying? i thought so. i thank God for so many things.

and i've still got your hand.

the worst is over, you can have the best of me

2006-11-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

i'm so lost. i'm sorry. a part of me wants to just give in to everything and stuff but the other part just holds back and is scared of being judged so ends up just smiling and i'm sorry if it confuses you. i've never been the bold type i guess. i'm weak that way. i know i'll forever hold back until someone breaks through the walls i've been building around me all my life. i have all these thoughts but in the end they're nothing but that. thoughts. i think too much. so here i am again.

i've made a decision to be happy. i've also made a decision to study. i don't know how i'll manage to do both, but i'm sure i'll find a way.

i'm currently unaffected.

yesterday was uncle boy's birthday and it was euphoric. we had a garage disco. we were all dancing to 70's and 80's music under the stars and i loved every moment of it. buttercup even played. haha! and thriller. we finally have kuya dennis back. we were all there. sense of family. haha. kuya christian led us and yeah i suddenly missed ballroom classes. i wish i could always do that. these are the days i'll remember on my deathbed :)) and my mom and i had bonding sessions again.

today was weird. i can't pretend that everything's okay, but i don't know, i'm happy as always. well there was a sad lag i guess, junior year? i don't know. i'm back to happiness. it's weird. that's all i've ever known. haha! happiness. laughing and smiling. it's because i love life too much to give up. i don't know. i'm enjoying it. we never ever realize that we live every, every minute i guess. we all have screwed beliefs of happiness that we forget what it really is. i guess it's hard to say for sure. and it's hard to get. i'm talking gibberish. haha. i'm so sabaw.

other than that GOSH I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. :)) and the one thing keeping me alive is...

back :)

2006-11-11T13:38:00.000+08:00

Things I did:

1. slice raw fish open and take out its insides
2. Use a poso to take baths--even in my foster home :) survived.
3. use it to wash clothes
4. use it to wash dishes
5. packed sugar
6. commuted in an unknown place
7. placed bets in a perya
8. rode a pereswel in a perya
9. biked in the dark
10. went to the baybay
11. cooked using those coals and pots
12. namalengke
13. nangapit-bahay
14. paid bills
15. conducted a choir
16. observed a catechism class in a public school
17. slept in bamboo hut on the floor that creaked at the slightest movement with seven other people
18. Got myself a new family--a complete one.
19. got bitten
20. hung out with the drunk tambays
21. got hugged by strangers
22. saw lotsa shooting stars
23. watched the sunrise from the sky
24. cried in front of a high school

Blablabla I have lotsa stories, I nearly died in the perya hahaha gosh I love it. I feel happy, but there's a heartache hanging. I’m lost and I don't know what to do to help. The five days were life changing. It was an adventure. I hope I don't ever forget. That would be so bad. I don't ever show it much but people affect me in so many ways. I’ve been so stagnant and composed lately, but inside I’m burning. I burn with the love of so many years, for so many people. I missed home so much, but I know I will miss them more. I will miss that sense of family, of something to hold on to. I don't know. The people just get to me so much and they affect me in every sense of the word. I don't know. Being there made me see that I CAN be important, that through all these years of being left by so many people, of being ignored and put away, somewhere far away, I matter. I have the power to touch lives. Maybe I’m not so worthless after all. Maybe I can be loved.

sembreak

2006-10-29T20:06:00.000+08:00

looks like sembreak's gonna be fun filled this year. my mom didn't allow me to go to fuego but i'll be out all the time and there IS bulacan and tagaytay and when i get home from tags i board the plane and off we'll fly to negros!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i'm kinda sad but i'm happy i don't get anything there's somany things i wish i could do and i didn't do while in high school time flies too fast! it just happened im sixteen now and i can't do the things i've always wanted to do but i guess i can't do anything about it but catch up

i wanna fly and i wanna be everything!

and then i can go away and die

2006-10-10T22:39:00.000+08:00

i hope that you're happy. this will pass

it's better to just drop this

i mean

you did and you know i know it and you know everything

i do too.

Friday nights have been lonely

2006-10-10T00:59:00.000+08:00

change your plans and then phone me.

--

But I am more than happy with the way things are going. Okay first, I got in the open immersion. I mean, I really prayed for that. So Bacolod, HERE I COME! I am so thankful. Then then, our pictures for history week won first place! I asked for that as a sign for something. However, I am scared that something bad will happen because I am happy, basta, it's hard to explain. College still scares me. Don't mind my previous post. That was about the outreach we had last week and the divisoria trip. Our adopted community's this little community with special people. I'm hoping to learn new things from that since I really don't know how to handle special people. I mean I try to be sensitive but Ms. said that we ought to treat them like normal people, which is hard. Talking in sign language is so slow but that's how everyone is there, even the blind. It's so hard to think of games which include everyone because yeah, some are immobile, some cannot see and some cannot..process things? But they're all special and it's extraordinary and overwhelming. I feel so blessed. I guess this is part of something. Our family's building a school in QC, which will foster to special kids and it's a weird coincidence. Instead of us moving there, we'll just build a school. I find that so cool. I might live there if i pass UP or Ateneo (pray pray). Yahoo.The LSCET was difficult. The science part was so.. er. Futures scare me but I am hopeful.

Anyway, it's 12:30 and I haven't studied for economics. I need to fix my life :))

I'm happy that I don't need anyone to prod this. I mean, I really can't explain it, but I guess I want this more than I want other things. For now anyway. I'm holey but that's how it goes. We can't have everything. Specially the things we want so badly sometimes. I mean, I'll probably keep on hoping for things to be like they were when they were happy but I guess it was going to happen anyway. I hate how I can't fix this. All in good time. I have 6 months left in high school, i can't believe how fast things went. I hope for the best though. I always do.

I miss

I'm still stuck here waiting but whatever it is, the wait isn't so tedious. I'm living while I'm at it, and I'm trying to be happy. It's the least I can do and so far, it hasn't been hard at all. As I've always believed, there are many aspects to life and to love and I'm thankful for the ones I can have.

you and me, well we could change the world.

2006-10-05T23:46:00.000+08:00

i was supposed to kwents EVERYTHING but i don't have time

note to self:
remember what happened

where were you when we were getting high?

2006-09-18T22:20:00.000+08:00

i've been horrible.

today will soon be gone, like yesterday is gone.

i need to focus. maybe i'll fix my grades or something. i mean i don't have a life anyway. today was the worst day ever. again. i wanna cry. again. but i can't cry. again. it's okay it's all going to be okay, i promise.

let's think of something good instead.

because of things that are happening, i will be driven to make something happy for myself. i will fix my life. i will fix my room. i will donate my clothes to the outreach. i will FIX MY GRADES. promise. 1/2 of second quarter has passed. promise i'll make my qpi reach 3.0. promise. 3.2 pala. promise. I WILL STUDY I WILL STUDY I WILL NOT LIVE FIRST I'LL STUDY INSTEAD. i won't sleep. i will study. eat study eat study tennis study tennis study eat read read tennis study eat study read tennis. hahaha I WILL LAST FOR A FEW MORE MONTHS LIKE THIS. i want my mom to be proud on graduation. okay. i'll begin in

5

dear Lord, please help me. i know this won't make me happy now

4

but it will make me happy in the end, i promise. it will help me forget. isn't that what we're all after? i mean, not really but when things are like this

3

i have to set my goals and i have to take things a step at a time. forget regret your life is now

2

it isn't yesterday. yesterday is so yesterday. this is all you can do this is all you can offer right now since it's whats taking up your time just give it your best when you do it, DO IT WELL. God bless.

1

did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

2006-09-17T19:19:00.000+08:00

and today was the worst day ever. ever.

i never thought it would end this way. not when everyone was smiling. not when everyone was worrying about something else. i tried. i really really tried. i tried with the effort of decades. i feel like i'm living the worst day, i feel like you're gone. cheessyy but true as hell.

i've been thinking wishing hoping praying in your heart is where i'm staying.

i miss you alot. i understand that you have to do it without me. i'm really sorry. i am missing you to death i've written like 4 looong letters to you. haha i hate this i hate this everythingis falling apart i need to find ways to piece my life back together but how?

SABAW

sometimes the sun comes round the moon

2006-09-13T02:05:00.000+08:00

the ghastly place moved me. i could just imagine phantom people dancing with the stars at the side. even worse, i thought of me dancing there in the middle of phantom people. it was so magical, i can't really explain it. it wasn't something you'd see in the movies. it was one of those halls where people danced in storybooks you read as a kid. i didn't care that i had to usher nuns. i was just dreamy the whole time. ana had the same sentiments, actually. it was weird. i could go on all day about the sparkly lights and the quiet music and how the carvings seemed so perfect but i won't.

today was okay (technically speaking it was yesterday but anyway), i mean, being pulled out from class and eating jell-o surprise isn't bad at all, neither is secretly taking pictures and surfing the net. i went back to school only for elective and i swear if this goes on for more than two days, i will be a walking glob of lard.

i'm scared for physics. i'm scared for my grades. i don't like my schedules. i'm scared that i might suddenly break down. in fact i'm scared for so many things. i'm sad about many things, but i when i mutter a prayer, things seem to be okay. there's so much on my mind. i hope my mom gets together with uncle charlie. hahaha, yeah right. i really want to watch el fili tomorrow. i miss tito a lot but i guess this was going to happen anyway... it's irreversible and i guess he wouldn't want me there. either way i'm proud of him.

life is good.today manang anabelle got burned and it made me feel really horrible because i saw it and i watched her take the pain with so much grace, and i guess today i'm thoughtful, so it made me think of so many unrelated things about life. all it took was fire. it's strange. isn't life strange? yeah life is strange, stranger than the movies. we always get the grey. we never really get our happy endings. we make them in our minds. it's 2 am i haven't started economics oh well i won't sleep anymore. bye world, i love you.

save the best for last

2006-09-11T01:52:00.000+08:00

it's 2 am. i don't want sleep. i just want to live. i don't want to miss out on anything.

i'm scared

and there were many before me

2006-09-08T00:40:00.000+08:00

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

for some reason, i feel braver now. so many things are coming after me and yet there's some sort of quiet inside me...a feeling that things will be okay. whom shall i fear? we've been given so much and life is so so so beautiful. we shouldn't just go through it. i want to savor every waking moment. i want to dream every wasted dream. i want to stop caring. i mean i still ought to care about grades and stuff, but yeah. i don't want to have an idle mind ever.

things have been so unforgiving lately, but i'm happy. the aeta immersion has been cancelled and that's like cancelling prom, just worse in 26 different ways. it fills me with extreme sadness but i guess i have to live with it.

i'm scared but i'll try to be brave. that's all i can ever do. and i have to exert effort too. my grades suck. i'll probably get a 3 or less. i feel bad about that. so i'll do something about it. i haven't punished myself enough. haha. but oh well. what can i do. i keep on wanting to be more than this. but for some reason, things are changing. i'm content with the way things are. i'm not depressed. i don't sleep at 3 am anymore. i don't starve myself anymore. but i still bite my nails. the battle has yet to be won. i want to own this. i want to be accountable for my choices and i guess i've made a few errors here and there, but that one, i'm not so sure. you'll always be a part of me and i'll always always hope you come back.

i am in need of presence of mind. daydreaming is my downfall. it gets me off guard and i tend to forget that the real world is under my feet and not over my head but oh well. i feel good that i'm laughing about this now.

i had the worst nightmare of my life. ever. but because of this, my faith has never been stronger. i want to change the world for the better. but yeah. one at a time.

i'm confused

Love is not love which alters, when an alteration finds. It is never a fixed mark that looks on tempis. And is never shaken. Love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out, even till the edge of doom.

the safest place to hide

2006-08-23T17:46:00.000+08:00

please don't be another regret.

things have been fun. i'm having an ultra kaduper hard time with the decisions i have to make. but yeah i'll have to deal with it eventually. retreat's next week and i'm so so so so psyched. 3 days away from everything. i haven't been online in a while. take it a vice at a time? kidding. i've been happy and that's what matters now. oh yeah and we might move to qc! exciting.

nothing much to write here. i'm loving every bit of everything

how do you do it?

never let a kiss fool you or a fool kiss you

2006-08-08T11:41:00.000+08:00

eh pano na kung i could go play the fool for you? haha

finally done with my hands on, and today, we're getting free time from elective. wuhoo. that means i can do my homework. i lost my la mesa dam campaign. oh noooo.

in my to do list:

debate cross ex
get witness
signatures
physics homework
study for math lt
study for physics lt
study for the economics longtest
tape cooking shows for cc
understand the circular flow thing
write ups for yearbook
kultura't pagkaing samar
next week, study for exams.

i have the whole afternoon to do this. the rest of the week, late dismissals. oh well tacsssss. i need to fix my life. haha asa. i haven't been doing things that i've been wanting to do but it's okay, just a liiiiitle more scacrifice.

i'm in love with ana's starbelly. ella! haha. i'm going to get my student's license soon. i can't believe i'm sixteen it's so old haha crap. the days have been sooo stable and routine lately it feels weird

dear God, please help me and thank you for everything!
love, bananaman

okay what to do what to do five minutes left!

I LOVE YOU KITTY i love you so so so so mucho :) and i will hug you everyday i won't forget. sorry if i forgot today because we had a debate haha lame excuse anyhoo huuug hahahahahahaha asa :D

xbraq hahaha ANG BORING BRAD (anong brad na yan hannah di talaga bagay sayo-ana)

pregnant woman and angry man preaching from the baroque

2006-08-07T20:05:00.000+08:00

dear you,

this is the part where we get up. it stings but it's the best part of them all.

bye bye to everything. bye bye to the big big dreams. it's time to wake up. no more dreaming of that filipino movie marathon and back to conversations in your roof and texting for far off places to feel closer to home, no more fine i'll give you roses and knowing you won't give them even if in my heart of hearts i wish you would. no more let's go stargazing sometime and seemingly boring dates with slrs which are actually adventures and no more promises. no more sensible nonsense we don' care if anyone else understands. no more i'll let you wins because you've transformed into someone jerky. no more little achievements. no more cycles of waiting, no more honesty and explanations. no more go here please i think i miss yous and no more waiting for two hours because you played dota and no more feeling like trash after even if i didn't really mind because i don't know. no more movie discussions and memorizing lines from the best poems. no more i'll save you all the dances you want and then forgetting i was there. no more tears. no more super nice conversations and floating leaves and doodles and why you don't ever reply the last. no more trying to convince you that love is true since you don't believe in it. i do. no more one hour dates and sbarro and i wish you were my valentine. no more disappointments because you barely said hi and no more you should haves and i wanted to buts. this is not giving up. this is moving on. i tried to wait. two years and we never got back to where we began. i guess i thought wrong. i'm more than that. i have better dreams now. and.. yeah. you aren't there anymore. it's good that you're fixing things. and it's good that things are fixing themselves. you taught me so much and i get it now. you aren't always right. no more looking for you in every place i go and staring from afar and then closed doors. you had me at your disposal, and you don't now. it's time to grow up..time to be sixteen. a day can make you a year older and this is my gift for myself :) besides, things are so bad but i am so so so so happy because, i don't know. i'm just happy. i wake up happy. thank you very much for everything. it's been good. sometimes letting go is non sense but it's time i did non sense. i like that. it's been a good span of time. but time isn't really time. time is how we use it. time is how we made it disappear and how we can't make it come back. and it's time now to leave. i couldn't leave because i was sad. i can now, because i'm totally alright. it took me a while to see this. love is there in so many forms, i don't need this. i don't need you. it's because i'm me. i liked you a lot. but things can change. and thankfully they do. no bad words about you here because you don't hurt me anymore. the only way out was through. and i'm through. i love this. i love everything. i love the weather. i love my mom. i love life, i love God, and since God is in you, i love you. i love stevie wonder and mig ayessa. i love my friends. i will love life no matter how hard she is on me, because it's the best way to live her.

that was a total mess but i had to get it out. this is okay. now i have to get back to living!

love,
hanni banany

SNAP SNAP SNAP

ps
i'm hella scared, i don't think i'll make it, but it won't be the end of the world, just mine haha kidding i'm trying not to think of it but it keeps coming Lord pleeeease help. thanks!

last few

2006-07-31T23:56:00.000+08:00

a few minutes left before i turn sixteen. no sweet sixteen for me this year, but yeah, i'll get through with the little blessings. no groping over nothings today because it's upcat week and i understand that the quadratic formula is more important than my birthday. haha! thank God for the greeting, happy sweet sixteenth to me.

what sets this birthday apart? MY DAD GREETED ME. for the first time in my entire life. :)

I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE SIXTEEN but i'll try. the last year was chaotic i hope this year'll be sweeter. it's been an honor.

okay now back to worrying about things :))

sneaky and smoked out but totally okay

2006-07-30T05:05:00.000+08:00

it's 5 am. i haven't gotten any sleep. my groupmates haven't emailed the last part. i have reviews at 8 am tomorrow 'til 4pm. i think i'd love to miss that. i've eaten three bananas. haha! the haikkus we made are souped out.

Angelica Pestano at Hannah Reyes

Buhay sa ‘Pinas
Nung Panahon ng Hapon
Ay puro Bomba

Panahon hapon
Bomba rito bomba 'dun
Pati babae

Rina Sarmiento and Margaret de Jesus

Maraming Hapon
Ang sumakop sa atin
Tayo’y nasawi

Marian Salanguit, April Yumang at Stephanie Flores
Mga Hapones
Pangarap ay umunlad
Tayo'y niloko

Haikus can be ugly. When you're obligated to do them. i'm the definition of stress today. but i keep on laughing alone when i read the haikus, specially the panahon hapon one. it was like written by troglos or whatever. this brings out the best in people who have offered to help, who stayed til 3 am, who have said you can do it and i love you and hug and God bless and stuff. We're all in this together. Well not really. i'm kinda alone doing this stuuuupid project. haha what about upcat oh yeah.

this is due tomorrow. it's been raining nonstop. i had an epiphany. i am happy. haha. why'd i see this now? i mean what i realized about.. haha. bye bye! flying kiss. i know your life's headed somewhere now and i find that beautiful. i mean i don't know what you call this. i don't consider you a friend. i don't know, i just dont. but i don't like like you anymore, it's just gone (like yesterday is gone!). but i care. what do you call that? i don't know.

i wish i had the dictionary of every language and i won't really use it but i'll hold it and feel good knowing every word i can ever say is in my hands. so i won't have to be confused. i just have to have the thought there. no words. just worlds.

i'm thinking of too many things. i mean everyone thinks but when you think of too many things you'd rather not think about it's just different. the project and other projects after that, my health, my grandma who's sick and my mom who's getting sick, when my phone and my computer will be fixed so i dont have to use this laptop which causes my hands to shake which is besides the point and i try not to think of, upcat and all the pressure, the glee big issue that's causing us to cry and everything else in between. these are things i'm obligated to think of because if i didn't that would make me a stupid or lazy person. i want to think about tennis or music or how nice the rain is or write a poem or read or draw or daydream in class and go to far away places. on top of it all, people. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to do things. and i don't have a social life haha

but for some reason i still love life. i don't want to feel crappy ever. i mean, it's not like i can do anything about it now. i just have to do what i have to do which is reasonable which scares me. and i miss everyone because everyone's too caught up and now my mom's awake and she's nagging me to sleep but i cant sleep because of everything in the paragraph above :( but it's okay because i dont believe that the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. i think that the people matter will mind when needed but will still care for you but and the people who don't matter will be petty and i don't know what i'm saying because i've fixed things except my things. i need to fix my grades too but as of now they don't matter because of upcat which i probably wont pass but a little voice inside me tells me i can do it so i should do it go hannah

haha i typed this is like ten minutes i wasted ten minutes but thats okay i have to get back to where i lasted

tanananana

2006-07-27T23:20:00.000+08:00

i'm happy that you're.. you know. haha. it's good to hear. it's also nice to hear that things are going fine in glee. all i have to worry about is the upcat and my grades.im afraid i wont get in to any school. im gonna dieeeeee. i'm scared. but it's okay

i cant stop inventing things. lighting paints that can make you paint light into a picture so its illuminated, cold light that can be utilized into a bulb that's also an airconditioning system, a pen that could have neverending ink of neverending colors..im thinking of how weird hair is. and little things like that. what if we flew everytime we stuck our tongue out or when we kissed? what if peoples hearts could glow when their loved ones were near? then we'd be forced to make things happen or to not get hurt to force ourselves to stop. what if time moved faster when you wanted it to? and what if you could stop it? what if music played everytime a romantic moment happened? or if someone evil's behind you? life would be so muuuuuch nicer. watches would be alive. time would be more real, it would cooperate. people would be living in such nice colors.

maybe i'd stop.

just a thought

i'm dying to know

2006-07-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

hahaha, my friends, the succession of events in my life lately have been so funny! well more like confusing. but funny! and so is botong09. i never thought i'd laugh that hard at something. and at an email ad! haha

jazz is giving me ideas. haha. oh man, gulaman, the saxophone is so sexy. it's so sexy. i MUST review. i must review. i'm dying haha.
!
tomorrow i'll fix my life. that's a pinky swear!

i watched high school musical today and it's funny how people are sooo idealistic. don't we all want a high school musical romance? yeah we do. things went so perfeectly. but it was gay.

anyway gotta run! toodles

2006-07-24T00:28:00.000+08:00

things have been strange.

it's raining outside. i ran all the way under it. i wonder if people can enjoy it like i do. actually any weather's good weather, except hot and humid, as long as your in love, according to cassanova. that isn't true. i actually like the weather.

this has been the worst week of my life so far, i think. as if next week won't be an extension of hell. but yeah. it's all in the mind i guess. time will make things work out for the best. i hope. this is my last year, i want to savour every moment.

last night never happened. haha.

classes have been suspended. things are changing. maybe it's about time i ride the wave. i dream't tj died.

i want to be a window in my next next life

silence

2006-07-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

somewhere faraway
my heart beats in time with yours
in that somewhere faraway
we sing and lie in sandy shores
faraway...
you pick me flowers everyday
and i give you all my kisses.
in that somewhere
we dub any time
as summertime
and we can fly kites.
in fact, we can fly
and reach for the sky.
we'll fall together when we feel like it.
somewhere faraway
i wear sundresses and straw hats
and you can be my charming prince.
you can keep my heart in your pocket.
somewhere faraway
we're lost wanderers.
you'll lead me on and never let go.
we'll begin
somewhere faraway.