stark

feeling weirdly toward whatever i am feeling. i wasn't happy nor was i sad when i woke up. i had strange dreams about backstabbing in churches and being thrown red ants for doing so and then being fed hosts from a machine. and the hosts were coins that people ate.

then i wasn't happy nor was i sad in going to the hospital. i wouldn't have minded staying at home but i didn't want to either. i wasn't particularly enthused to go to company class but i wasn't reluctant either. i wasn't hungry but i needed food. when in nelson's, i wasn't excited nor was i bored. in class i didn't really genuinely laugh when they were doing so, nor was i annoyed at the jokes. i didn't feel vain nor did i feel ugly. i was sleeping but i wasn't sleepy either. i missed a call, i wasn't particularly sad nor was i thanking goodness that i missed it. i got complements for things and i wasn'r happy receiving them but i didn't really mind either. i went home and didn't eat because i wasn't hungry but i wasn't really full either. i took pictures of things but it didn't get the emotions out of me. listened to music, i didn't really like it but i didn't not like it either.

i was just sitting there (not literally okay). i was just EXISTING and not living. it wasn't a happy feeling nor was it awful. well maybe it was. desireless today. if this was how the buddhists wanted to feel then it is a horrible feeling to not be feeling anything. to not dream about things you want to achieve. or not celebrating inside when you get to do something good. it's living in mediocrity. and if this goes on, i'll be put in a mental asylum very soon. what's going on?

the thng is, i know how i'm supposed to feel. but i didn't feel that way. and if i did, it wasn't real. i know this is supposed to feel awful but i don't particularly feel awful in my gut.