wake up call

i want to live.

i want to travel and get lost in a country all alone. like a journey... a pilgrimage that involves me and the rest of the world which i don't know, and God.

i want to go to paris and visit the streets in which some of the greatest artists like picasso or dali walked in. i want to know of no money there...i want to live with serendipity working on me..i want to learn how to repel materialism. i want to feel the world.

actually i wanna feel the love! haha.

and then and then and then i wanna fly. i want to photograph everything that i can. if only my memory was good enough. and then i can go sailing in a boat with a star patterned sail and a mermaid on its tip.

and i want a lot of other things that my lifetime and the world and science won't allow me to.

for now, all i can do is hold on (hannah hold onnnnnnnn) and lie down and stare up at the sky (or squint, the manila sky's star holes are small). and learn how to drive up to the bay to watch the sun set and then rise again. and close my eyes and try to imagine that i love all of this. and read and sing and dance and dance in the rain and try to be daring even if i'm hella scared...of the height, of the judgement and so on... and see nature and run and take pictured of what's here and try to turn something normal into something beautiful.

then find someone to share it with! hahahahahahaha. ha?

it's only now that i see that my dreams are going nowhere. but that won't stop me from pursuing them! i swear.

my life feels insipid now.

now.

not for long.