dreams

i dreamt of endless pools tonight. there was a huge huge swimming pool and then there was the kids' playground with the pool of colorful balls. i don't know what that means. maybe i'm drowning. both were super deep. i even had to dive 6 feet under to get a coin. and i stayed under. when i was reaching the surface i woke up. lucid dreams. i dream a lot lately. the other day it was my box of colored pencils and i dreamt that the colors were all rearranged which is kinda like a nightmare to some extent.

this morning was awful. i hate the way you only talk to me when you need me to sing. you never even try to get to know me. and all the time all you do is criticize me, how i never speak or how i ruin everything. if that's the case, i'm sorry. i am a mistake, aren't i? thats all i am to you, to everyone, whatever. i'm a glitch to begin with. eversince i was conceived. i'm never going to be the person who will make you happy, or anyone i guess. don't worry, just a little more patience is all it takes. you just have to wait five more years or even less and i'll be out of here. sometimes people build walls around them to see who's brave enough to tear them down. apparently, you aren't :(

you don't really have to read this. id be happier if you dont. or will i? haha. i remember what people say everytime i confide my sadness. the last time, he said that he was a depressed boy and that i was the only person who drives him to go on living so i shouldn't tell him that im sad because it pisses him off. thats so selfish. so yeah i guess im meant to be a sponge, the person who takes in everyone's sadness and i have no right to spit out mine. haha! the people who you think will be there for you aren't. thats what im learning lately. i wonder what this means. ever eversince independence has been my life's lesson or something. maybe something big's gonna happen? i just want to melt here. go in the middle of a field at night and drop dead.

the last thing i'll see before i die are stars.

then i wont get buried or cremated, i'll just rot there. it'll be the happiest death! in the journey to my next life as a leaf.

i still believe that the world should be fair and that love still makes the world go round. if it didn't there wouldn't be so much secrets in postsecret talking about love and the un-presence of it.

this morning i prayed hard. it's sad how i always ask God for all these things and i don't know. i've been quite distant and i want to change that. i'm sorry i'm like this




and i don't know you (yet or anymore. you decide)

my mom was just here and i couldnt stand it anymore i broke down for the first time this year and i confess it feels better to some extent again

am i living it right?

i hope things get better

Lord, please