i need a miracle.

i have an 82. in pinoy. i really have to focus. i guess i have to start working harder. tearstearstears. i am grounding myself from watching the beegees.

it's funny how some things suddenly resurface. or something. when you don't need them. i've been so happy lately. i'm trying to stay positive and it's working. only time will tell though. i think it is. haha! i swear that if i don't keep up my promises, i'm giving up something important to me. and i wouldn't want that :)

i watched happy feet last night. i don't know. i'm suddenly happy all over. mambo is so so so cuuute. i know i'm being all girly and stuff but i swear hahaha his feet are happy raw. heartsongs are cool. and so is queen! they sang somebody to love and it's so cute. the ending was just weird.

what else what else. i don't know :)) there's just too much happening. i'm burning out in a while

i'd ditch 'em all for a night with you

it's hard to say things. it's easier to show them. i don't know what to do. haha! i'm so scared of losing this one. even if you say you'll stay. will you? i hope so. i'll just take it a day at a time and keep my fingers crossed. i haven't been this happy or this hopeful in a long time. i haven't been this driven or this nice. i haven't been this brave. or this..you know.

i've been lss-ing on all the happy songs. a love like this doesn't happen too much :))

tomorrow's the aeta immersion and i haven't packed. the faculty concert was fabulous. our teachers are so super. so many things are happening and i'm losing track of life. it's beautiful though. i need to study for MIM. my grades are getting better but i know i have to work harder. it's my condition and way of balancing things. haha do you get what i'm saying? i thought so. i thank God for so many things.

and i've still got your hand.

the worst is over, you can have the best of me

i'm so lost. i'm sorry. a part of me wants to just give in to everything and stuff but the other part just holds back and is scared of being judged so ends up just smiling and i'm sorry if it confuses you. i've never been the bold type i guess. i'm weak that way. i know i'll forever hold back until someone breaks through the walls i've been building around me all my life. i have all these thoughts but in the end they're nothing but that. thoughts. i think too much. so here i am again.

i've made a decision to be happy. i've also made a decision to study. i don't know how i'll manage to do both, but i'm sure i'll find a way.

i'm currently unaffected.

yesterday was uncle boy's birthday and it was euphoric. we had a garage disco. we were all dancing to 70's and 80's music under the stars and i loved every moment of it. buttercup even played. haha! and thriller. we finally have kuya dennis back. we were all there. sense of family. haha. kuya christian led us and yeah i suddenly missed ballroom classes. i wish i could always do that. these are the days i'll remember on my deathbed :)) and my mom and i had bonding sessions again.

today was weird. i can't pretend that everything's okay, but i don't know, i'm happy as always. well there was a sad lag i guess, junior year? i don't know. i'm back to happiness. it's weird. that's all i've ever known. haha! happiness. laughing and smiling. it's because i love life too much to give up. i don't know. i'm enjoying it. we never ever realize that we live every, every minute i guess. we all have screwed beliefs of happiness that we forget what it really is. i guess it's hard to say for sure. and it's hard to get. i'm talking gibberish. haha. i'm so sabaw.

other than that GOSH I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. :)) and the one thing keeping me alive is...

back :)

Things I did:

1. slice raw fish open and take out its insides
2. Use a poso to take baths--even in my foster home :) survived.
3. use it to wash clothes
4. use it to wash dishes
5. packed sugar
6. commuted in an unknown place
7. placed bets in a perya
8. rode a pereswel in a perya
9. biked in the dark
10. went to the baybay
11. cooked using those coals and pots
12. namalengke
13. nangapit-bahay
14. paid bills
15. conducted a choir
16. observed a catechism class in a public school
17. slept in bamboo hut on the floor that creaked at the slightest movement with seven other people
18. Got myself a new family--a complete one.
19. got bitten
20. hung out with the drunk tambays
21. got hugged by strangers
22. saw lotsa shooting stars
23. watched the sunrise from the sky
24. cried in front of a high school

Blablabla I have lotsa stories, I nearly died in the perya hahaha gosh I love it. I feel happy, but there's a heartache hanging. I’m lost and I don't know what to do to help. The five days were life changing. It was an adventure. I hope I don't ever forget. That would be so bad. I don't ever show it much but people affect me in so many ways. I’ve been so stagnant and composed lately, but inside I’m burning. I burn with the love of so many years, for so many people. I missed home so much, but I know I will miss them more. I will miss that sense of family, of something to hold on to. I don't know. The people just get to me so much and they affect me in every sense of the word. I don't know. Being there made me see that I CAN be important, that through all these years of being left by so many people, of being ignored and put away, somewhere far away, I matter. I have the power to touch lives. Maybe I’m not so worthless after all. Maybe I can be loved.