i don't really need to be online now. we don't have homeowork. but every single day i check my mail and read the senders' names in hopes that one of those names is yours. and every single day, i disappoint myself.
maybe my hopes were too high. maybe i put too much faith in human goodness. whatever. i guess life's supposed to go on, as always..
a part of me still wants to believe though.
today wasn't really my day. NCAE was fucked. so was the proctor. it was pretty much a waste of time.
::refrain from cheating.
::now look at the box that says gender. shade the circle that says male or female. for example, if you are a girl, shade 'female.' if you are a boy, shade 'male.'
::are you GHGGJ scholar? shade yes or no. for example, if you are a JHGJV scholar, shade 'yes.' if you are not a OUIUHMKJK scholar, shade 'no.'
::on the board, the time allotment for each part of the test is written. now you can begin. when you are done with a given part of the test, proceed to the next. so in short, the time allotment is useless.
blablabla plus so many typos and stupid math.
why does tonight have to be my non busy night?
like most people these days, my breaks today were used for sleeping. i don't usually do that because i want to spend my last few months in highschool awake, bonding with people. i don't want to miss a thing. but i can't take it anymore. i wish i could manipulate time. it's all for escape. i feel so useless. i dont like what they are doing to us. here's one thing that finally counts as something and they have to take it away.
i'm not in the mood for anything anymore. my life is static. i have so many things in mind but so many things are stopping me. i wanna cry but this house is full and when people see me with puffy eyes they'll ask. i hate this absence of privacy of solitude of silence of doing things right of family of freedom of space of space to make mistakes of encouragement of everything
today i won't deny that
i only have one saving grace and i dont know
i dont know
i dont know
i dont know
don't we all.
more than anything, i wish i had someone to share this with. it wouldn't hurt so much if i did. being alone sucks.
i need something to touch me to move me. hope. i need time. i cant even talk to you. :( i cant talk to people so much because i have so much to do and im weary at the end of the day and i dont want to think about things i've thought about
i want to cry. i hate this feeling of tears behind my eyes. of holding back.
still, i hope for the best. crying won't do me any good. i have to find ways. i have to focus. my grades aren't even pretty. i want to go away today i want to fall in love with life again. i am, but i don't feel it in every nerve of my body. maybe because im still not over some things or i havent trashed these weird feelings inside of me. maybe because looking at them makes me insecure. i wish i were pretty too. i put so much faith that maybe tomorrow my life will be a life but i might disappoint myself. i hope i don't though. i have love and i have God. Both are related to hope though.
these hopes and fears are all i have."Hannah, bakit lagi kang masaya?"
it's because of that.
