the first star i see may not be a star...

time, such clumsy time... if not now, when?

when you tell me, i really really believe you. i know you mean it and i thank God everyday that you are here and you are with me. i always always pray for the best. i want time and i want time with you.. and that's what feels right to me. i just hope and pray all the time. you know.

i really believe in forever.

so many things have been happening to me lately.. i've been praying hard. i'm having a hard time with some things but i guess this is a memory being weaved. i guess these are just trying times. times which try you, times you have to try. i just can't understand some things yet but i guess it's all part of grwing up or something.

i just can't wait to be safe in your arms again.

i've always been afraid.. today i tried and i know i'm done with that. i just wanted to see. i've been talking to the most unexpected people lately. i mean i feel a distance from michelle and katha due to the fact that they are either asleep or doing something for school but i totally understand that they have their grades to hold on to. as for me, i'm just trying for high school. i don't think i left a mark anywhere. i don't know. everything i've always believed has been challenged lately. well not really, but you know, i just feel really insecure lately. what i once thought i had, i feel like i dont have anymore.

i've been musing lately and i guess it's the senior year blues or something. i want to leave the shit they're putting us through but i don't think i'll ever leave the people or the memories. not the heartaches not the smiles not anything. i guess life's like that. we need to grow too. and whatever this is, there must be a good reason for it. i learned that from you. in fact, i'm learning a lot. more than i think i'd learn.

i've been talking to my dad. he says i make him cry. he says i have a nice smile. he says that he thinks of me a lot when he is alone. he says that he is touched that i consider him my father. i don't know what to feel in all of this. i guess i feel overwhelmed. or maybe i'm growing up. i've definitely forgiven him but there's still his gait that screams out stranger. i am touched by his efforts and i still look up to him. it's just not tangible but i can still feel it.

i have more to think about though. in these moving times, sticking to who you really are is getting harder and harder. even harder if you really don't know what that is..

but anyway, i'm happy. i have no choice. i have to be enduring. and i have to sense everything. what good would all this be if i didn't? i'm really trying. there's only one sure thing. everything else seems to be a haze to me...

i can do this.