i know it will be a long time before i learn to love myself again.things have been done, have been said, and i know the things i'll never have the heart to say, and i know that it will be a long time before i put those things in the basement. those things haunt me before i go to sleep. they're the monsters under my bed; they come up at night and live to scare me and make me feel bad.everyday i feel it. evey hour, maybe...at least once.

though i say things like there are storms inside me, it doesn't seem to matter. but there are and i don't have anyone to talk about it with. not that it was there before. i know i can't go back. i can't go back cause i'll feel guilty but those were the days that the way i looked didn't matter cause i was amusing and that was enough. things like this never mattered cause even if i knew of others, i knew i'd come in first cause i was an object of affection and you were fond of me, and you told me and i believed. i don't always believe. specially now, i don't believe at all. i feel like the second placer. yeah right, i'm the first. if i were, then i would be. i would know, and now i just don't. i'm never ever enough, not lately, and God knows i try. but it doesn't seem to matter. i know i have to learn to love myself. but it's just so hard cause it's all been done and i know what it means to be a trophy display of bruises. it hurts a lot.


i know it shouldn't be happening simultaneously. does it just happen because of the guilt?

but yeah, i have to deal with this cause i don't have what i used to. it's so hard to, alone.

i'll just be here, holding on to my big dreams.they're all i have. i swear i'll try try try to do good. focus, focus, focus.

it's so hard to believe. do i still?