sappy

i feel sad and happy. it's weird. actually i feel more sad than happy. i feel like such a bad person. i know i'm not, but i feel it. i feel selfish cause i feel angry right now and i know i shouldn't be. i don't feel a happy rush. they all left me again. i feel left out. i know i'll always have a reminder. reminders..everywhere. it's something i should try to avoid but i know i can't. i hate today. things always go wrong when they start with a tummy ache. i feel like crying. lately i just resort to staring unless i try or think too much about it or explain.. i feel so bad. i'm asking for too much. well i'm not asking for it, i'm just..thinking about it. and the worst part is, i'm angry. i've never been angry about it. hurt, sad..not angry. but now i'm starting to feel angry and anger is something i rarely feel. it's like i imagine a tantrum i know i'll never throw. i dont like this about me. i keep it all bottled up and i try to live with it and i end up feeling awful. i hate talking in fractions too. you always told me not to. but it's me when i dont trust something or i know i'll feel guilty about feeling i'll always be fractions. i want to be done with trying too hard to love this. i know i hate what's been forced on me. i know i don't like the absence of sensitivity. i know i don't like this feeling. i know this will always be here.

i wish it would just go away..but it's over and done and there's no turning back.