today is the twelfth

i haven't slept at all in days (haha like the corrs)

but seriously i haven't. anyway, we saw my bestfriends wedding the other day right. that movie always makes me cry. always. so anyway in the end, when the guy tells her goodbye, someone blurts out, "i want a boyfriend" and that line hit me for some sick reason. and everybody stays quiet. and then someone says, me too. and then i start laughing. the academe has made us really lonely. ironically we had a soiree the next day. but it seems quite unfair to fate that you attend those things to meet someone. i hate myself for even looking. haha. God knows why im like this. the more i try to stop it, the more it comes. and the more effort i take to push, the more it won't budge.

i hate myself for being like this. hahaha, asaaaaaa. i'm just another chick trying to stand out rightttttt? it's too much of a struggle. i put so much effort just to make him look at me for just a while. i just realized things like that don't work on guys who seem to charm everyone. i don't want a crush. i'll just love mig ayesa. you know, people you can't reach AT ALL. it's better that way. you don't get disappointed. you aren't near enough to put your heart in their hands (crap this is cheezy [wtf this is my blog]) but yeah, i guess i give up, even if i'm just fifteen years old and i sound like an oa person, which is whats happenning right now.

i'm missing the people i'm missing. i cant believe i let chances like that slip away. this is what i hate, you know? looking back and seeing only regret, screaming at you in the face.

okay so it's one am whi8ch is probably why i wrote something like this, thoughts not incidents. it's just that. yeah

anyway, amiel told me that they say that when people have flying dreams, their soul leaveS their bodies. he said he liked flying dreams. when i was a kid i dreamed of flying consistently. which is spooky. i was freeer as a kid.

i wish i were a kid again. fifteen is so old.

i want to become a better person, not to please anyone, but to be content. i think i think about it too much though. why am i like this???

thank God for theatre which makes me forget about the real world for a while. you get to be bigger than life there, even if you arent really the best or anything. the only place i can let go, even if i haven't, which stops me. i need to let it go.