don't read this it's boring

i really like this summer. i'm kinda proud of it in a sense. i'm content with things, i haven't done anything extraordinarily stupid and i don't get bored. i just need to focus and review more. i'm too preoccupied with the things i like that i forget my evil obligations.

right now i'm trying to think of photo ops :)) i want to have my film developed. working with film's been really fun...my fingers are just crossed.

so anyway, review classes have been totally chaotic! so has my family. i read the other day in reader's digest that a mom can't be bestfriends with her teenage daughter. sadly, that's what she wants. oh welllllllllllllll. i guess i'm her last resort or something. she's sad right now and i feel bad for her but yeah it's so hard to give privacy ago when i have to sleep beside her.

seeing my cousin david makes me not want to have kids. it's irritating, his mall tantrums. the other day was the worst. i wanted to die of embarrasment but i guess thats what we all do sometimes. it's been so strange without ate ming and atoy here...the house is unusually quiet. it's nice though. i've been having my fill of human solitude.

the other day my mom handed me a course list. it's odd. at fifteen i dont want to decide what i wanna do when i grow up!! it made me want to shrink and melt and explode into pieces but i carefully ticked away anyway. seeing the paper makes me hella scared of the things ahead of me. i feel so stupid and young, being surrounded by sixteen and seventeen year olds. i'll be sixteen when i step into college. still, i think it's a cool adventure. but my fingers are still crossed. if only i believed in real destiny.

i miss michelle and katha. i hear the same things and the distance is odd. i feel bad that they never ask how i am. but i guess they have to deal with things too and i guess i have to deal with that alone. and there are other friends too. i guess i'm just kinda disappointed that im not telling them the stories. but enough of that haha

i'm finally doing things! it's so cool. and im just typing randomly today

people i really want to hug

1. the chemist dude on tv who doesnt have much of a life and spends time in the lab and even has to make a tv show about the "marvelous periodic table"
2. katha. she is sad and drained by ajss. i can tell. thats all she ever talks about
3. michelle. i hardly know her. i could crush her bones
4. tito. i just want to hug him and say sorry
5. Papa my sailor man. i miss him a lot :(
6. ODD and my turtle who i can't hug, apparently
7. Dear dear. because there's so much in you and you don't want to tell anyone and it comes out in all your gibberish and when i touch you it's like there's so much you need to get out of your system and i wanna hug you because it's still you
8. myself. i know i need a hug. i mean, who makes a list of people she wants to hug? probably someone pathetic. haha. that would be me.
9. mig. you know why!
10. God. because he's the man.

anyway, racism is bad. who cares if i get negra-ed out? huh huh huh? i know you shouldn't! i'm still me, regardless of color.

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it's awfully nice. i read the poem of alexander pope and it's six pages long with really small font. i want to memorize that verse for walalang reasons.

i feel motivated! this is an unusual feeling of harmony. haha!

I W A N T T O C H A N G E T H E W O R L D