and today was a day just like any other

yes it was. so shoot me.

getting back in line is not so easy. so many things i've been wanting to do.

my mom says i'm not beautiful but not to worry because im not ugly anyway. and she says i look better in real life. which means im not photgentic. gee thanks mom.

i dreamed up my own death. death at 15. very nice.

okay i should stop being sarcastic. no. not really.

go to cafe bola and eat tuyo. it's the best. random.

i've been trying to study. i can't. words of motivation don't help me. i think i'll go have a nervous breakdown.

my room's a mess i don't want to go there because my clutter might come alive and eat me up.

and things are strange

i have to study

im getting schizo

:D

Kathleen wrote:
> hi there my little one... i'm fine... just been busy
> lately with school... but yeah... we have 2 weeks
> off starting this monday but i have to work... i have
> a part time job now =D... how have you been?!?
> are you in college already?!? are you referring to
> that little boy?!? pamangkin ko un kasi
> nagbakasyon dito... i've seen your billboard... you
> look so pretty... nakita na rin ni papa... he's proud
> of you... busy si papa now eh... you take good
> care of yourself, ayt?!? i'll see you soon...

--

hannah,

i am good. how are you? how's your studies?
i saw the billboard. you have that trademark smile that makes you stand out from all the rest.
i am so very proud of you.
send me pictures again. i always look forward to receiving one from you.
ingat ka diyan.

love,

tatay

--

this is so much better than nothing :D sometimes, reality is so much better than pretending that things don't exist.

last summer escapade

the other day, my mom told me, out of the blue, hannah get clothes. i said why, she said we're going. i said where she said anywhere. we ended up in taal vista, after which we went into the grove. there, there were horses so we rode into the adventure trail. then after, i was all alone, i rode into this other place where there was a huge endless pasture overlooking the volcano crater. behind me was a mountainy ridge, undeveloped. it was a literal forest. the sky was blue my shoulders are burned. i know this sounds retarded but i suddenly had this affinity with nature. i felt closer to God than i had ever been in any church. then i drove the horse back to the grove.

yesterday we went to greenhills to eat and shop but i didn't buy anything. it was okay, better than being stuck at home. get together with relatives abroad. and stuff.

and today, today was the best. i woke up late then rushed to st scho to meet up with asia, but ran into katha instead. it dawned into me that i would be a SENIOR tomorrow and its kinda funny how fast it happens. it just sorta did. i saw SOOO many batchmates, everyone was tanned! also ran into ms gretch and ava and daisy and i just cheered up and got SO PERKY. after doing stuff, i went home then asia woke me up and we stayed here to do things we normally do, it was like waay back. i saw karmi who was still beautiful as ever. we went to st scho and then to mcdo taft. asia and i used coupons! oh coupons they're the best.. hahaha. then we ran into faye and bea! so we double dated. haha. i retrieved some pictures too! i'm in such a spectacular mood. haha.

dont miss this part. haha! so.

and so it was getting strange..we crossed the street and started walking back to st scho and suddenly it rained. it rained hard, and i mean it. i got soaked in every sense of the word. i didn't have an umbrella. it was that part of the sidewalk with no shade; and then out of the blue i said, asia! lets hug! and we looked stupid but i swear it was fun. i mean, i always dreamed of doing that! i was giggling all the way from mc do to st scho. i waited till the rain stopped but it was getting dark so instead, i ran all the way home, puddles and all. under the rain, with a smile on my face. people were sorta staring. but i didn't care. it felt like a blessing, i loved every bit of it. tomorrow i'll be a senior and i guess this is like a going away present. i'll just enjoy every second. and it'll be over when i wake up.

sadness

my mom is sad
katha is sad
tito is sad
balux and i are sad because of a break up (saddest break up of the year)
even the happy people have been sad (i won't mention your names)
the philippines is sad
so why are we still alive? why am i still alive?

it's weird. all i get from people lately are sad things. why? specially my mom. it's like, you can cut the tension in half. i can't even sleep in my room when she comes. i suddenly wake up. it just happens. she can't talk without saying something bad or sad or stressful or worrisome. all i hear is college. work, stress, schools coming, i have a problem. my hatest holiday's coming to top it all off. but why am i so stoic? it's annoying. my dreams are all super strange. and then tomorrow we're supposed to be in the beach but it's been delayed for saturday. which kinda makes me sad and kinda pissed because it goes to show that our plans never work because someone never has time. it's always this way with every other plan. i have so much negative energy, no one tells me anything happy :(

but im okay! haha. i just want to cry but i can't eh, hahaha. it isn't ever real. menopause and hormones won't ever work.

so today was the shoot. i wonder when it'll be MY turn to photograph. but that aside, i'll probably try to study (which is KINDA pointless now because we hardly need them for college). i can't wait to get out of st scho. i mean i love my friends yeah but there are some things. er.

and so i sleep at 8:30, wake up like 4 to 6 hours after then i read the bible then sleep again at 4. strange, i ended up in ecclesiastes where it says we should indulge in our sadness. which is something i definitely don't want to do right now. it doesn't feel right.

i have a theory. God wants me to have my fill of sadness but im too happy or something to be genuine about it so all the really bad stuff happen? nah he wouldn't do that.

i've been dreaming of one person. and i haven't even been heartbroken about him in ages. he just comes in my dreams. it's irritating. but i don't get up feeling sad or anything. just annoyed.

i feel empty, not liking anyone right now. haha. for a long time actually.

STAAAY! i will be the one to tell you stories of a better day and a better place so. stay...we will be the ones to share a morning view, just me and you.

could it be it's all so simple?

hello, how are you doing? i hope you're fine

just checking on you

take care, God bless

i just wanna share. haha!

--

took me an hour to write

things

i'm in the mood to write but i don't know what to write.

hey guess what we have the same dog.

and katha and i are good again. sometimes silence isn't the answer.

--

always hours before it's over
always always always

--

i've lost it.

shit.

hanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanahanaaaaaaa
i don't want to die this way. or maybe i should already.

maybe i'll get hit by a car i'm becoming like lieutenant mamiya i need a well. not a wishing well. just a well i could climb down to when i feel like it. and a ladder and a baseball bat.

little by little

and just a little more

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

why am i doing this?

hahahaha

contentment is so hard to find in such a colorful world. i should stop dreaming. although i know i can't. it's what keeps me alive. and love

my world's flipped. it revolves on different things now.

i'm so j-j-jaded.

i need to make sense.

i'm disoriented

i'm sucky

hahaha

okay i'll just stop

i'm sorry im just sleepy

i wanna write my dad