the worst is over, you can have the best of me

i'm so lost. i'm sorry. a part of me wants to just give in to everything and stuff but the other part just holds back and is scared of being judged so ends up just smiling and i'm sorry if it confuses you. i've never been the bold type i guess. i'm weak that way. i know i'll forever hold back until someone breaks through the walls i've been building around me all my life. i have all these thoughts but in the end they're nothing but that. thoughts. i think too much. so here i am again.

i've made a decision to be happy. i've also made a decision to study. i don't know how i'll manage to do both, but i'm sure i'll find a way.

i'm currently unaffected.

yesterday was uncle boy's birthday and it was euphoric. we had a garage disco. we were all dancing to 70's and 80's music under the stars and i loved every moment of it. buttercup even played. haha! and thriller. we finally have kuya dennis back. we were all there. sense of family. haha. kuya christian led us and yeah i suddenly missed ballroom classes. i wish i could always do that. these are the days i'll remember on my deathbed :)) and my mom and i had bonding sessions again.

today was weird. i can't pretend that everything's okay, but i don't know, i'm happy as always. well there was a sad lag i guess, junior year? i don't know. i'm back to happiness. it's weird. that's all i've ever known. haha! happiness. laughing and smiling. it's because i love life too much to give up. i don't know. i'm enjoying it. we never ever realize that we live every, every minute i guess. we all have screwed beliefs of happiness that we forget what it really is. i guess it's hard to say for sure. and it's hard to get. i'm talking gibberish. haha. i'm so sabaw.

other than that GOSH I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. :)) and the one thing keeping me alive is...