the places you have come to fear the most.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

euphoria?

i'm addicted to music. and to cooking. and to living in iba. and to roadtrips and to not worrying about the way i look and to math homework (yup i like math) and to not having so much workload and reading inspiring stories that make me feel happy about the way i am, and finally learning to live right without needing the assurance of someone telling you that you look okay, that you're smart, because you know that it doesn't really matter anyway, and i'm addicted to feeling love's aura (God, family sometimes, and friends) without needing someone else to always be there, feeling content of the way i am even if i hate the way i look (yeah i oftentimes do) and the way i don't really know who i am? i'm addicted to falling stars (translation: memories [remember first year's lesson on that book]) to the world in my head, to pictures which always remind me of time machines and stopping time.. and to good friends, however limited they are in the world.. i wish i could feel like this forever. it's the bomb!! hahahahahahahah, anak ng terorista.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

note to self:

FIX YOUR GRADES HANNAH!!

Monday, June 27, 2005

we were in manila cathedral this morning to be in a mass for cardinal sin. there was a lot of people naturally. andun pa sila balux and sila vince, but i didn't really see SEE them. we just teased ann kunwari we did. it was the only mass in which i wished it was longer.

anyway. when we were having our concert, backstage bonding. aj said something about destiny which REALLY made me think. really really really.

and then the roadtrip was fun. pics at my multiply. :D

Friday, June 24, 2005

yesterday was probably the fourth longest day of my life. or something.

we had mass in the morning. it was HOT. and we were all crammed in the field. shoes muddy. blouses drenched in sweat. paperboat song sheets. fans like butterflies. colorful umbrellas. the heat made my head hurt causing it to work. when i looked up i saw the sky. and the sun. it looked good. i now know that i want to go cloud surfing. i still don't know who the priest was. that was for two hours. arounf 8-10. (thereabouts)

after that we had classes. as usual.

then elective time. i'm in creative cookery which is cool. the orientation was kinda boring, but the teacher was a nice lady.

then i went straight to glee club rehearsals for saturday's show. all juniors were exempted from being late because of the elective thing. at this time, i had only eaten one cookie for the whole day. this was around 5:50. ended at seven. was supposed to go to the concert but we stayed in starbucks instead. we got treated for being in rehearsals night before.

then i was supposed to go home. but i went back to st scho instead. to wait for katha. then she told me that she'd just go to my place. so i went home finally. then my mom lent me a book, the forgotten room. it's really nice. then katha arrived and we just hung out and cam-whored. i also ate my FIRST meal of the day. the pictures are hilarious. then she went home and i took pictures of the rain. it looked good.

after that i was tired already. so i just sat down.

today is my homework day. i'll be doing a lot of work. i'm done with only half. because tomorrow we'll be having two performances and classes in the moring. so yeaaah. then on sunday roadtrip!! excited. :D

started lessons with nelson, he's good. in preparation for aspects. *fingerscrossed*

"God created the roses before you were born so your boyfriends would give them to you"-Ms Cruz (Too bad they don't...-hannah and angelique) PS nice stars, God!!

Monday, June 20, 2005

kitchen conversation

(14 year old girl with her yaya in kitchen, girl making self a sandwich, the latter washing dishes, news playing in background)

newscaster: nagtaas na ang presyo ng langis blah blah blah blah pati ang presyo ng jeep ay tumaas na din ng dalawang piso
me: omg pano ko magccommute 6.50 na? kailangan ko pa naman magsave. crap crap crapcrapcrapcrap...

(she is interrupted by middle aged woman whom she fondly calles nanay)

helper: oo nga ang hirap, si veron (her son) rin pala, may uniform rin sa school, akala ko pag grumaduate pa yun eh. *sighs*
me: ows?...(realizes weight of own blessings and sees how hard nanay has been workingfor them for son's education)(uncomfortable silence)
newscaster: ang pamahalaan ay nangangakong magsusumikap upang maging madali para sa mamamayan ang mamuhay blah blah blah...
me: yeah right...


i hate the government. what's happenning?

worst day ever. ever. well. one of. the worst days.

here's a rundown. skip it if you want to not be pured by negative energy. (whaaaat?i didn't understand that either)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey i take that back. today was not the worst day ever.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

i realized so much today. i don't want to forget.

finally

i commuted all by myself for the first time today and i'm proud. it's a pretty shallow thing to be proud of but yeah, i still am. *blueteeth*

the butterflies are there all the time... it's starting to irritate me that there's always a nervous feeling in my gut like when riding a roller coaster or being top of a cliff. it's there all the time, i still don't know the reason why.

okay, so it's starting to sink in. and seven months and one day from now, God knows what's going to happen.

and maybe he was right that i'm unwanted. but someday won't hurt.

it's all good. it's all good. it's all good. *brainwashself* there, it's all good! :D i hope things work out, that it'll be fine. and it will. i still believe in God, and that he works wonders. i hope this one will be one of those wonders. *fingerscrossed*

my name is still bugoy to 2s. :( and to ms. lim. omg i wrote 2s. i mean 3s. i miss 2s. i miss not seeing clones of people. i'm not saying 3s people don't have originality. 2s just took it to the max.

anywho, i must go now. i don't know how i'm gonna sleep tonight as i slept for four hours this afternoon. oh yeah, the club orientation was awesome.

i might get my camera soon. goodbye canteen food. i shall miss your hot pasta and sago gulaman and rocky road cookies (!) that i remove the choco chips from. i shall miss not having to bring my tin lunchbox. hello cold rice. and watery ulam. *uck*

i'm angry that she had to meddle with something i'm the one paying for. God please don't let me be hormone powered and be angry at every little thing. please.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

geometry oh geometry

i love geometry. i love that since i am a line, i am endless and that i am dividing the universe into two. and that parallel lines don't have to never meet. they can.

You believe there's something else
To relieve your emptiness
And you dream about yourself
And you bleed and breathe the air
And it's on and on
I just kinda died for you
You just kinda stared at me
We will always have the chance
We can do this one more time
Hell yeah, I remember aurora
All this time
Take me now, we can spin the sun around
And the stars will all come out
Then we'll turn and come back down
You believe there's somewhere else
Where it's easier than this
And you see outside yourself
And you buy the hole you'll fill
And it's on and on
On and on aurora wait for everyone
Wait till the last one's done

my new name is BUGOY. :(( it's not a nice name. but it's my new name because last year i was burgershoes, bugoy for short bugs for shorter. and yeah bugoy's my new name because of the an's and na's surrounding me. bugoy eww.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

ninja turtles

second day of school ad we have lotsa homework already. we didn't even have a getting to know you activity and still don't know three of my classmates. i mean two. i dom't even have the geom book yet because they didn't really have stock and we have 3 pages due tomorrow already, and we haven't discussed. weird. oh well, my teachers are pretty okay..not that i can say bad stuff here anyway because our school stalks very well.

i now see how substancial this year is. not that i never really saw it before, but i see it a teeny bit more now. i'm loving school, except for the part that i was half asleep in one subject earlier, and that MY ID PICTURE IS SUCKY. i mean, all my pictures have a tendency to be ugly but this one is probably the worst. i look like a deformed apple eaten by tapeworms. and the worst part is, i have to wear it everyday for the next 10 months!! and see that face!! oh well, crap happens. too bad it had to happen today though.

danielle is my turtle and i am the ninja and we have identity crises and don't know what to do. and i need a new name because anna's my seatmate and an's my frontmate and can's my acrossmate. so han nor hannah won't work. my head is tired of responding to the wrong person. so that's it for now im too lazy to write about other stuff.

oh yeah, something i made yesterday when i was bored again. i don't know if i like it or not, but i'll post it anyway.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

independence day

maligayang araw ng kalayaan!:D ako'y magtatagalog na upang masanay sa pagbabasa ng noli at fili. kahit anong direksyon, (anyway baga) nakakalungkot ang araw ng kalayaan na ito dahil ang bayan natin ay napakalabo. o sige aalis na pala kami.

ang ating bandila.

kaizen

hmm, lots have happenned lately, tagaytay was the best. the team building of glee was super fun. i learned a lot of stuff that they DON'T ever teach in school. the important stuff like 1+1=5. haha, no further discussion on that. and some of plato's and socrates' theories which seemed kinda boring before, and i was proved wrong. the team buildng wasn't as i thought it would be. i'm soo excited (again) about the year ahead, about the things we'd dreamed of (yes, we were asked to daydream and to think as an assignment though it was only an overnight thing) and whatever lies ahead for us. too bad cham wasn't there. it was a weekend filled wth so much growth and learning about things i never thought i'd be. i even took down notes. haha, just to make sure i'd remember.

oh yeah, the title of this post means continuous growth/ continuous improvement in japanese. they're so succesful, they even have a word for how they did it. reminds me of that line "Be a work in progress and keep on pregressing."

i learned A LOT. and the best part was, it was for free!! i was so sad (and sleepy) when we had to end the team building then i realized that it was just actually the beginning of it all.

that's weighty.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIRST DAY OF CLASSES. looooooooooong orientation as always then homeroom. our new principal is now a nun!! and the coolest one at that. and our school now has a new president as the old one is now in rome. i will not comment on this event or whatever as i might get in trouble or something.

i really truly did it!! i'm in the REC. i have to live with some good and bad classmates for two years. so yup, i'm glad that im in the block section, i think that we might be ostracized or something, but i'm thinking that i'm gonna lose my social life in my last two years of high school anway, which is fine because like i learned in the team building (haha) we're investing for something big anyway and there are things that you can learn to love. play to win. play, not work. anywho. back to first day. what else happenned. back to square one of getting to know you activities and nametags and all that. i'm class number 25!! first time i got a line of 2 class number. anna's my seatmate and my electivemate!! and nikka's my voicemate, classmate, and clubmate!

our adviser's a nice woman. she corrects grammar or just plainly discusses grammar and manners and she's neat, prim and pretty. epitome of a proper woman. and we shall learn from her!! second year has per dev which sucks, we didn't have that, it would've been fun. anyway, no use reiterating the rest of the day because whatever happens on first days happened that day and it was pretty normal. we are in counter fourteen. seems like a movie filled year and our table's the perfect place for watching.

i think i'm ready for the year ahead. nobody knows the way it's gonna be right? i'll get by. oh yeah, i went on an ego trip (we all did, the members said positive stuff about eachother including ms gretch) and i realized how hard it is to say good things about yourself for one minute. after 8 seconds i couldn't think anymore. and when others did it for you, it was nice to be affirmed. it suddenly feels okay to be me. i'm not going to publish the positive things, it'll be too arrogant if i did. haha, i'll just keep it in my heart and not in my head.

i'm loving the going. when the going isn't tough anymore, find something tougher!!

buti nalang the going is tough. i don't want to go around looking for trouble.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

...

songs can really make or break my day.
so can text messages and phone calls. or the absence thereof.
and memories too.

i'm feeling teenage dirtbaggy right now. feeling small as a dot. BUT at the same time, loved. i don't rightly know how that happenned but yeah, that's how it is.

mixed feelings have been taking over and there have been butterflies in my stomach lately. it doesn't feel good. you're laughing and at the same time you feel depressed inside because of something else, so hardly anything's genuine. i don't know what to call this sorry state. i need to tell someone. oh well.

this delicate balance, vulnerable, all knowing...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

patching up

oh yeah, i'm real happy that my old friend's my friend again after our LONG fight. i mean, ym-ing for a while wouldn't really count for much much but at least he isn't in my ignore list anymore and we're talking and not fighting. which is good!!

hahaha. tomorrow is kwento day! i can see the nonstop mouths of people talking. like last year!!:))

happiness fades away quickly. it's the same feeling that time i won something when i was little and seeing the kid who lost crying.

i need luck!! tons of it. but i'll get by. just not as easy, but i guess i will.

keeping the 'the little engine that could' story in mind.

first day funk

tomorrow!! but im sooo super excited i cant explain the exitement hahaha.

went to school in the morning to check my section and then spent the rest of the day here with katha and then went to the grocery after.

anyway, i'm in 3-S!! i'm sooooo happy. i'm classmates with michelle and katha!! can't hide the sadness of not having any of my stud buds and not being with my closer side of 2s though. but oh well, i hope it's the REC and that it's really block and that i keep my seat there.

first day classes tomorrow!! i don't feel like a junior at all. strange how time flies. then after that Glee's gonna have the team building session in tagaytay for free!! the school finally sponsored us!! that should be exciting. i don't know what else i'm looking forward to, short term.

umm..i might be cast for our november play, in aspects of love but it's a sung through musical in a high key so i'm super scared. tita monique made me take lessons with nelson so my range gets wider and stuff. i'm scared, but still excited. i wonder how i'm going to excel when our rehearsals extend to one from seven and i have glee 5-7. that's scary. but i guess i'll just have to face my fears because. i dunno. i just do.

third year here i come. please be nice to me. i want to excel again, like grade school days. well, more. haha, grade school days were mediocre. that will not happen in the most crucial year. this one. i hope. i'm going to study and not cram. i hope. i'm kinda expecting to maybe lose my social life this year, what with all the things i got myself into. i have to face rec, outreach, glee, nvc, prom core and cac. add chemistry, geometry, noli, fili and all the other school related things to that and voila!! death. i think i'm gonna throw up.

anyway, got to go pray the rosary and pack and sleep. enthused for tomorrow and i'm kinda getting the butterflies. i leave my goodbye for now. :D i don't think i'll be spending much, if not any time in front of the computer anymore. i shall miss this. :D this is the end and the beginning of something bigger!! things like these make me say cheesy stuff, but oh well. i'll need all the prayers i can get. and all the luck.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

hallelujooooooh and couch potato queens

ako'y nakakaramdam ng kakaibang saya. napakinggan ko ang kanta ni bamboo na hallelujah pero kinakanta niya itong parang hallelujoh. natawa ako. at sumaya ang araw ko.

anywho. my day started real bad! sayang luha ko! and i'm in a happy state now!! it started when i looked at my feet and saw my flip flop tan lines!! and then my mom text me great news, still unsure news but great nonetheless, because now it's like, a win-win situation because even if the good news turns bad, it'll be like double jeopardy because i already paid for it!! hmm, this is high and unusual. crying is healthy. i recommend crying to sad people. :D it makes you happy after. crying is better than pop corn!!

oh yeah i watched tv and saw nat'l geographic's clip on queen something. the mummy diva. it was pretty interesting!! couch potato queens must rule the world!! hahaha

i saw the video of kwarto too!! it was nice!! like the nice concept of prom. :D i love sugarfree..like i love eraserheads. support opm!! it's philippines pop!! but support it!! and i miss ella!! when i saw that video of slap, the 'miles away' one. *sigh*

i love my mom!!
i love glee!!
i love my friends!!
i love.....!!
i love God even if he's so weird sometimes, i love him!!
i love my journal!! and this blog!!
i love MUSIC!!
i love yellow!!
i love being happy!!
i love being hyper!!
i love my family sometimes!!
i love my discman even if it isn't an ipod!!
i love st scho!!
i love girly stuff!!
i love me when i'm like this!!
i love life even if she's a bitch!!

hahaha labo. sorry. :))

i love my friends for just being there :D and my mom. thanks mom you don't know how much i love you but i do :D

oh and indipindins day is near!!

i love freedom!! i hate love sometimes though. and today is not one of those times so thank goodness. :D
HALLELUJOH. no typo there. hahahahahahahaha. *blueteethsmileyhere*

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

i need a hug

excuse my last two posts. anyway.

i came from tagaytay and iba and it was really fun. i love jacuzzis. :D

walking around canyon woods was really fun, it was bonding time for me and my cousins and we had some really cool and happy moments and yeah!! haha im sooooo high again hahahaahha. anywho.

i finally did what i was meaning to do for a long time and getting that off my chest was nice. oh yes. i'm sorry. i know you aren't like that anyway. and i had to do it sometime right.

anyway, my four days away was kinda therapeutic and i learned stuff. like cooking stuff. my trip to the resto was cool. the ropes of the kitchen and stuff. i got to mess with vinces puttanesca yeah. kidding. (oh yeah vince thanks for everything okay!!) and dessert. i loved dessert. dessert is the best. i love dessert.

i saw two movies last monday. monday was crazy. i loved monday. why am i repeating stuff?:O anywho. monday was one of the best days of my summer. we got really sweaty commuting form qc to alabang and then went shopping with kuya denn and vince and then watched shutter!! SHUTTER WAS GOOD. not too scary but it was a good movie. we were walking real long for around..i dunno. long. we went to south 9 till 2 then commuted to glorietta. then my mom came there at seven then we saw a lot like love!! it was REAL. er. real something. basta it was nice.

whatelse. tagaytay is a magic place. and i'll be going back this weekend. third consecutive weekend. again. haha, gc's teambuilding!! i cant wait!!

i can't wait for school either!! im so freakin enthusiastic it gets to my nerves but oh well. i'm doing well considering the situation. and stuff. i love music. music is a good friend. :D

listening to the cd dennis burned. thanks kuya den!! don't be immature!! take trish's advice!! :D and i don't talk like you know!! :D drop it like a hot potato!! deadma ka nalang!!

gigil again. hahaha.

we talked about. things. amazing how words can be so weighty when a person says them but when my mom's talking it comes out the other ear.

i love places!! i shall buy a gun and zap places i like so you can feel them not just look like pictures!! i love places.

my summer's finally summery. finally. it took the last two weeks for it to catch up.

haha trance is fun. trance is good for your health. listen to trance. boycott friendster colors. :D

i need a hug!! like kay. i need a hug. not mom hug. squeeze tight hug.

i'm feeling just like sparkling water. *blueteeth*

oh yeah i forgot.

good luck to those who will be going back to school!! :D i kinda envy you!!

and happy monthsary to asia and jiggy!! :D kahit late na!! and neil and cham!!

oh well, got to go rest i have a baaaaad cold and cough haha this is weird!!

hot potato

a million stories to tell but i am feeling either selfish or lazy, take your pick. wrong time to be inarticulate. but the rain's pouring anyway literally and yeah so whatever.

i am feeling blank. i nearly deleted my friendster.

we commuted from qc to south.

i'd ramble on but i saved my long post in my draft when i realized how pointless it was when i couldn't really...anyway

i'm being here there and everywhere right now so bbye folks!!

Monday, June 06, 2005

mr jones

I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She's suddenly beautiful
We all want something beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
So come dance this silence down through the morning
Cut Maria! Show me some of them Spanish dances
Pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones
Believe in me
Help me believe in anything
I want to be someone who believes

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
Stare at the beautiful women
"She's looking at you. Ah, no, no, she's looking at me."
Smiling in the bright lights
Coming through in stereo
When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely

I will paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
Grey is my favorite color
I felt so symbolic yesterday
If I knew Picasso
I would buy myself a gray guitar and play

Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the beautiful women
"She's looking at you.
Uh, I don't think so. She's looking at me."
Standing in the spotlight
I bought myself a gray guitar
When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely

I want to be a lion
Everybody wants to pass as cats
We all want to be big big stars, but we got different reasons for thatBelieve in me because I don't believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe

Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"She's perfect for you, Man, there's got to be somebody for me."
I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky
When everybody loves you, son, that's just about as funky as you can be

Mr. Jones and me staring at the video
When I look at the television, I want to see me staring right back at me
We all want to be big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how
But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just about as happy as can be
Mr. Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars..



i'm not sane enugh to type my own stuff so i had to steal counting crows lyrics bye folks

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

what's up

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!! you're so old already!! kidding. not that you read this. not that i even show you.

anywho. today was a fairly fun day. and stuff. whole family was here in our place. well, they're always here but there's something about today that makes it a bit different. whatever that means. as usual my cousin david broke something. our house ornaments are kinda running out since he always breaks something when he's here. well, 3/4 of the time anyway.

i think i want to be a chef. i'm starting to like the fact that my elective's gonna be creative cookery. i told my mom that i want to be a chef, follow the steps of my cousin dennis. i never thought that he'd be the one i'd look up to, but he knows what he wants and he knows what he's passionate about and he does it. so i guess that's an option. i told my mom i wanted it. and she told me to show it.

so i will. i'll be at dennis' place and he'll teach me stuff and we'll cook the food for the family outing. just the basic stuff, and he'll bring me to his part time job. he's still studying in ischam and his job's the way to prove to his parents that he's serious about this one. he applied for a cruise job to places around the world. he's so cool. and he's a model and got to go to bora for it. haha, so when he joins mossimmo next year (i hope he does), plus points with the judges that he's travelled to cook. that's so cool. why did i only think of this now? i could've been there learning to cook 'stead of being in front of this computer. we'll see if i get to love this one enough for me to take it up. i pray for it. gut feeling.

so yeah that's what's up.

and this is up too. i took it in westgrove. i want to be a photographer too, but i think that can be on the side or something. in the end what i really want is a family of my own, like, a nice complete one and stuff. i want to be a family woman!! (i don't want to say mom only or wife only. i want to be both)

for more pics click here