rude awakening

"binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko"

hirap nga naman. we take so much for granted these days. this will probably be my most vulnerable if not, my most truthful post. i realized something meaningful when i turned the pc off but i have to write this down.

writing this will hurt, it will be giving out one of the secret parts of me that no one actually knows i guess. anyway. i realized how lucky i am. (i swore to write this in filipino but..) i realized how wrong i've been, how wrong i am, always taking what i have for granted, which is probably why i am so..driven. or something.

i start asking why. why did i overlook the obvious? why did he leave? why'd he die? why am i so restless? why am i staying up to write this? why do i get irritated on being told what to do in things i contradict? why am i staying up til one to wait? why is our country this way? why is atoy so mabaho? joke lang yun. why am i so short tempered? why do i miss some..people? why? doooo yooou always dooo this toohoo mee?

and i realized how much of a hider i am. how i talk so much but i don't really make sense, in good efforts to mask the tremor inside my mind. how the guidance said i'm a complete introvert, and people who saw got shocked, and i knew that i was, i just always babble about things that are senseless. events, not feelings. how people tell me i have nothing to hide and how i think about that. it's weird how this suddenly came to me tonight. must be part of the night high i get. i just feel lucky. and i started thinking that.

i'm lucky that

-i know who my true friends are
-i am literate
-my family is neither rich rich or poor, so i know how to budget
-my parents are separated instead of fighting
-i have my mom
-ate inday cleaned my closet kanina
-i don't live in smokey mountain
-i have a complete body
-i study in a school that allows people to be themselves whether other schools insult it. i am lucky that we don't try hard to fit in (just sometimes) and that kulasas aren't hypocrites and diverse
-i can keep secrets
-i study (thus making me guilty of my ugly grades)
-my body is not giving up on me even if i am too busy
-i don't have to attend soirees for the main reason of it
-i have different sets of friends
-i have KATHA and MISSY
-i get to help out in the outreach
-i realized i have blessings
-i'm maturing, and not fretting over things i can't have
-my mom's helping me pay for my digicam
-i am in the high school glee club
-i am in the REC
-my mom knows what's best for me, and listens to what i think is what's best for me
-i am simple (yes i am proud of this, i can commute, cross the road [haha], i can mud crawl, i don't care about getting dirtied, i can survive camping trips, i don't have to wear minis to feel sexy, i don't wear make up or stillettos, i don't complain about things like...secret :D and i don't care about things like breaking a nail, my most maarte thing is probably the way i speak)
-i can hide a lot of things
-i am surrounded by beautiful and DIVERSE people
-i can be content when i choose to
-i can cry on my own
-i live near st scho
-i have few close friends
-i have enough self control
-we made a pact
-i can speak tagalog and english
-i had a miracle operation in terms of my eyesight
-i am feeling quite content now
-God never gave limitations to my dreams

it feels good to feel good about self. it's hard to count blessings. i guess i just had an eye opener a while ago andi'm not going to write that down.

this may not mean anything to you but it means everything to me right now