ocean drive

ocean drive again. i want to live there too i guess..thinking that the song speaks to me. because of my superior stalking skills, i found someone's blog. i now realize (is there any other word for realize? i feel so redundant, saying that everyday) how stupid i've been. haha. maybe you aren't all that. maybe no one's all that in the first place. haha. lately i've been happy and i'm getting the notion that i crown people too much. ergo, my heart gets broken. hahaha. here i am now and i gave God the pieces and everything's okay. all i have to say is Lord, please. and miracles happen.

yesterday i went to eurostar. it was nice and magical and all like how a carnival should be. it was the closest i got to flying. made me stop for a while to admire the sky. literally a while. for like two seconds the sun was below me and i might have as well crowned myself queen of the world. i've been so preoccupied lately and it helps a lot. it helps to have a life when you dont have a love life. you get to live out your own first without the useless fantasies love gives you. i know that that sounds pessimistic but for what it is it's actually optimistic. from my side of town anyway. haha.

i remember watching mona lisa smile. not all who wander are lost. i realize thats what i am lately. i dont really feel the friendship of my friends. well, my girl friends. i'm so sorry. it's just how i feel lately. not that any of you read the things i write here anyway. when i say i'm happy, i AM happy. no need to say yeah right. im sorry just that i feel so alone lately. "dont you ever feel lonely?" yes i do. hell yeah! haha. but life goes on. so must we. it's the same sick cycle. haha! it's okay though.

everything i post seems like nonsense. haha. im not into posting the things ive been doing and i dont know why! haha its so sad. maybe i should because of memories! haha whatever im being so distant to people it sucks

summer's not yet near for us but im in that mode already MUST STOP i want to go do a lot of things but others are stopping me from doing so (other things ha!) i want so many things it doesnt work to my advantage.

i miss my lolo. in fact i miss so many people!

forgive

it all starts with a haircut

and i realized that innovations are good. sabay.. hahaha. weird how life goes

kahit ulap nagsasabing tayo'y bagay. weh

coffee cookie crisps and chemistry

today was happy and strange! hahaha. bitter--> better. :D im happy..not that im ever sad just this time its not on the surface happy. it's there. uhh so today we had elective night it was fun paramita played tomorrow will be itchy worms today i flew! haha i wanna switch my elective next year am i babb;ing or what? im starting to like chemistry. hahahaha. isnt it strange how a lot of things in the world's just a pose? i dont know. haha. i need to meet new people. things are getting pretty old and some things are getting too deep and here i am with my iwontevereverletyougo cycle. haha! i need more change. i mean im getting my dose of it, just not in the right aspects of things. 2s was my golden year. i miss 2s. i miss the strange people. haha. i dont think i'll ever ever ever have a class like that ever again

today i was thinking of the things we wont be able to do in college:

1. hug and kiss seatmate in excess
2. scream who has a napkin, guys? in class
3. stare and suddenly laugh
4. dekwatro and improper sitting
5. skip around. and around.
6. put feet up on armchair
7. twirl hair on fingers (i dont know why i cant do this when im with people who arent in my all girls school class)
8. THE jokes. :D and the LOOKS. :D
9. not comb hair for four days straight
10. lafhv nefhrkjh vkrjhkjdfh dkahf

GIGIL

i miss my old escapes. i waste too much time and i'm not even enjoying it. times are hard for dreamers. and i dont seem to mind actually. in the gutter all i do is look up.

my life is so pointless it's getting funny. isnt it strange how we all live to die? maybe if i live big, i'll die big too. maybe i'll die with meaning. doesn't that sound quite nice? i think it does. live live live live live. the bigger the star, the more interesting its death. (we're all stars. the particles forming the earth came from dust from the stars so we're all stars isnt that amazing?)

toliveratherthantoexistandtoberatherthantoseemyouaremysunshinemyonlysunshineyoumakemehappywhenskiesaregreysomestateshavetheweirdestmottoshahahahaanginitkasithelettersarecrammedtogether

undecisive

a lot of things are bothering me. strange though, all day all i do is laugh. it's not right. i saw the leaves dancing and i decided that i want to be a leaf in my next life. all they do is dance. and i wanna do that too. haha. all i did today was laugh. and i know i mentioned that already. haha! i think that that that i am so bitter but oh well it helps hahahaha. a lot of disturbed things are taking place simultaneously right now but for some reason im happy. hahaha very weeeird. o basta bottomline masaya ako. because a lot of things are about to take place! haha elective nights we get to cook thats thursday and wed til 8 along with itchyworms haha then friday concert at ccp then then on saturday the GK build 1MB and prom. happy birthday even if you dont see this or didnt see that hmm maybe i should fly myself to corsica on a ship thats decorated with bubbles so i float easily and then pop hahahaha maybe i should just go.

today i realized that i dont check out the stars as much as used to. eversince you.

letters to you

it's time i wrote something meaningful here maybe. hmm.

i cant think of anything.

in school today all our lessons were geared towards the what ifs of life. literature class. the poem was.."and walk in your memory's halls." i nearly died during the discussion. then computer. if statements! haha. homeroom today was about sensitivity. the what ifs were incorporated and i dont know how that happenned. the biggest clincher was in social studies. we were watching a very long engagement. i was watching amelie last night to kill depression or maybe even vent it all out and the girl playing amelie was the same one in this film. cool french people. anyway

With "ifs",
a flea could carry an elephant.

Maybe.

But without "ifs",
might as well hang myself.


how true is that for me? haha. i liked the way the guy remembers the girl's heart beating when his hand throbs from war. each beat brings her closer to him "i hear her heart beating like morse code." hahaha. it's nice though. in a masochistic sort of way. makes us miss things. makes me miss things! like how they used to be. with all these what ifs, i start to think. what if, yeah. the what ifs are so ubiquitous and they come in perfect timing with the season. im so into movies lately. to escape my life maybe. it seems so dull compared to all these movies. more colorful than normal though. just as life should be. im learning so much lately i wish they were marbles so they can fit in my pocket. a different kind for each lesson. or jelly ace maybe. i love jelly ace. maybe i should put a code on each color to remind me of something i need to remember. since i always eat that stuff. haha. specially when im depressed. i got my gown and its smaller i got fat! which is good and bad. ive been eating lots lately. helps take away the sadness. not that there's a lot. just some things that you have to exhale. which i do a lot. hahaha. and i know i have the other half of my life anyway. things are doing okay. theyre doing good actually. or maybe i'm just being so optimistic lately. which is a good thing. :D i'm happy and in one way or another there's genuinity in it. it'll come someday. :D thats what girls do right? wait. haha isnt that sad? you've little control of your own destiny. well traditionally anyway. i realized how duwag i am. ha! who cares though? we all have that in one way or another. when all this is over, summer will come again. i'm made for that. here...

photo: She is in love.
Nino Quincampoix: I don't even know her!
photo: Oh, you know her.
Nino Quincampoix: Since when?
photo: Since always.
photo: In your dreams.

my favorite line. since always.

everything

a lot of things have been happenning simultaneously and i havent really tried to escape the things tormenting me. it's weird actually. its so fun being a hormonal teenager. haha.

yotots: pero prom poses more wacked up problems than everyday life

so true. but in one way or another prom made us grow into beautiful butterflies! haha. it's weird and nice. its weirnice! hahaha. i just realized that

theprettybanana: it's like, we learned a lot of things because of this whole commercial eventtheprettybanana: people crown it as the event of your high school life theprettybanana: and for a lot of us it wont really happentheprettybanana: but we realize we have to grow up and live with that because of that same reason that we are in high school.already

but. but. bit. prom's still weird its like you get to go to more than one but yeah! haha you know that! i told you! haha maybe maybe not well yeah not really oh what am i saying im babbling as always this is what i do when im kinda sad because for some reason it makes me happy and i dont know why actually but it just helps ts like pouring out whats in your subconscious am i making any sense i guess not but who cares this is my blog righhht yeah! thats a happy thought isnt it i miss you

11:11

ooh im suddenly so hyper hahahaha this is weird! i wanna sleep but there arent regular classs tomorrow and i saw someone on someones something I NEARLY DIED guys but OH i am a happy person haha AND AND it doesnt sting anymore its like i dont know haha but seriously im just happy whoo why am i like this? i dont care though id rather be like this oh aint life graaaand? yes i agree

Along the staircase,I dream to hear you,In a whisper quiet room,Space the thinking,Space to scream to,But the echoes sound like you,Not the stars at night,In a pitch black sky,I don't know just wants to see youBut the time is right and it only flies.

random random thoughts and other random things

1. i gained six pounds after prom. haha...in the span of a week. back to my diet!
2. i am really allergic to make up, which is a good thing, it forces me to be simple
3. i want to visit the world's theme parks! that is a new thing on my goal list
4. my mom and i have been reeeally close lately which is an extremely good thing
5. valentine's day is near and i'm happy instead of cynical!
6. i've been happy lately and i don't know why it must be because of the cool realizations i have made
7. i watched firewall. derailed is better in my opinion. the end was so anticlimactic and harrison ford's getting a little old for all that action. in the end technology is a sucker and a good thing at the same time
8. I WANT TO WATCH TRISTAN AND ISOLDE now (i had a hard time remembering isolde's name what came to my head was iodene or iodide. haha)
9. i want to go to the mall tonight for some reason. heehee
10. i have to study because i havent been studying lately
11. michelle was from 100-75, katha from 100-50 (although it should be 25 in a little while and me, 100-0? 5 maybe but preferably 0.
12. i'm back to reading which is goooood.
13. i want a sony walkman bean. here i go again with the things i want
14. i hope migui finds the light. haha that sounded off but seriously i hope he does it kills me to see people like that dear migui please know im persistent because i know you can man God's there dont argue
15. okay i have to go first rosaryyyy i hate someone haha but not really hey timmy and i are in speaking terms again whoo i love life
16. bye!

why

i remember those days

waking up feeling totally alright smiling the most genuine smiles, listening to harana over and over again your quietness your strumming the way i'd say hello and you'd play and the way you looked at me and the way that you talked like some crazy poet on the loose and the way you'd tell me ALL those cheesy things and i usually hate them but i made an exception because you're.you. and i remember the things you'd tell me all of it i even wrote half of it down ella was right i shouldn't trust people with...and i remember how sad i was that ate ming had to get my phone and erase all your messages for me and i remember your last call it was my fault i shouldn't have put the phone down when you asked me again if things were still the same because i knew i wanted them to be but i was there with all my stupid pride and i remember that Christmas everything was so blurred and i thought it would be a mess but you fixed it and now i guess you wont and i remember all these things like it was a dream and i did not NOT NOT want to wake up but the world did and here i am a year later with the same things swimming in my head suddenly it took just that stupid stare with the stupid music you tell me i ignored you no i was closing my eyes because i didnt want to feel it and now youre asking me things and you dont know no you dont how hard it was it is whatever to hear all your stories it stings you know things change but not me still here and your messages speak to me like hope you tell me youll be back soon and im still waiting but I KNOW you wont be back soon because lately ive been more realistic and i always thought it would be you and im still waiting for your promise haha how stupid of me.

it's always you in my big dreams

why?


why?


why?

go figure what comes after these whys whies? haha


why?

i cant grasp it