holes

i

miss

you

i wanna sleep and wake up to a place where i can be beside you everyday but you're nothing but holes now. i don't know you anymore. i wish you weren't such a stranger. it's frustrating because everything i have is still there except you and it's so annoying. i always said this summer will be all about me. i was thinking a while ago. there is no me without you. isn't that stupid? yes it is. i don't even know who i'm reffering to anymore.

it all started with yesterday. approaching people and asking to photograph them made me feel so sad. it's like, you get to know them for 5 minutes and you feel like it can be the beginning of such a beautiful friendship and in the end all you have left is a photograph. then this morning's photoshoot. mornings get me happy and today wasn't any different except i started thinking about how nice it would be to have you there. haha. i am the most pathetic person i know. i feel hole-y. holy. because i ever do is pray and i sill feel distant from God. i miss saying thank yous in place of the pleases and the "ikaw na bahala Lord"s. i'm really happy but it can never be complete, i guess. i'm doing everything i've always, always wanted except being with someone. it gets lonely at times. but like i've always been saying, romantic love is just another aspect of it all. sometimes we just want to feel what many poets have written way before us. sometimes it gets tiring.

maybe i'm destined for something else.

i wonder why i have to censor my posts sometimes. nobody actually reads this anyway. why am i feeling this wayyy its soo annoyinggggg

okay happy happy na again. haha! i was just taking a break because no matter how flat you make the pancake there will always be two sides. i'm just having a taste of the bitter side. back to happiness!

euphoria

everything was so perfect. once i got there i took my clothes off and ran to the beach. it was so fun. mango shakes by the ocean with hardly anything on. the wind was perfect. my tan lines are the bomb. i wrote a letter on tissue paper to things and people i want to let go of. i folded it to a paper boat and let it float away to the almost setting sun. then i walked away. we waited for the sun to set. it was the most beautiful sunset i've seen. but i havent really seen sunsets in a while so i woudn't know. you should've seen it with your own eyes. so anyway, after the sunset, i had a hangover. we drove to tagaytay where it was suddenly so cold. the stars were all out. i lay down on the grass of our neighbors in canyon. then when it was nearing midnight i got my sarong and put it in the middle of the asphalt road where i waited for the meteor shower. i saw the meteor shower. it was so beautiful. i didnt even wish for anything more. to top it all off, there were fireworks nearby. i wasn't missing anyone at all. it was the life. THE LIFE. could the day be any more perfect? you didn't ruin it at all by not being there again. in fact i was quite happy you went away for the nth time. it made me feel lighter and it made me feel not worthless.

due to ego problems, having my period suddenly, small church, lots of people and lack of food in my system, i passed out in church. haha! it was strange. and happy.i got a lecture about food and i think they think im anorexic which is not good and when i eat they say very good you're eating. haha my family is quite strange. i get really sick when i suddenly get my period. i had terrible dysmenorrhea but praise the Lord for pain killers!!

now i'm home and i have like a million pictures of flowers! I LOVE FLOWERS. haha. things are back to normal with tito and we're actually talking again and yes, we're really such a dynamic duo hahaha. we're reeeeeally bullet proof. haha galing sobra. our friendship has faced so much trials. i missed him a lot and here im talking to him and laughing at zanjoe's chill song. yahoo. and there are lotsa shooting stars. and i'm motivated to study too. this'll stay with me in a while. let go and let God. look at what God did to me! love, you so much, God. and i'll sleep in a while.

bottomline is, i'm happy. i haven't been this happy in years. Amen to this.

sometimes we get caught up. sometimes we get too caught up that we forget ourselves. when i told you what i told you, that was what i had in mind. i don't want to do it because i'm..polite or something. i thought it work for the best but apparently it didn't. decisions have been made and i cringe at the thought of yours. you're big so act big. you know what you're doing. i hope. oh look what you've done. what i've done. it's such a mess.

--

perfect strangers when we meet. :(

not what i want. i miss with. haha. i want to be with with. no one but. yeah.

God please please pleeeease get all the pieces they're yours. PLEASE

and everything, i miss you.

dear everything,

I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words
TODAY skies are painted colors of a cowboy cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
NO more 3x5's
I Guess you had to be there
I Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's


love,
hannah



-------------


don't go away

4 days

everything's futile, everything you told me's now useless. becaaaaaaaaaaaausse. i wanna die so i can live again

hahahaha

99 SECRETS GIRLS HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT GUYS...la lang...hahaha

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.

4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.

6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad
characteristics.

8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.

11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them.

12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!

13. Guys cry!!!

14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.

15. Guys can never dream and hope too much.

16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.

17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.

19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands.

20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you.

22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."

23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the
message clearly.

24. Guys hate gays!

25. Guys love their moms.

26. A guy would sacrifice his mon ey for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

28 You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

31. Like Eve, girls are guys’ weaknesses.

32. Guys are very open about themselves.

33. It 's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

34. No guy is bad when he is courting

35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.

36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that
much pretty.

37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.

38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.

41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts.

42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily
get the wrong one.

43. Guys virtually brag about anything.

44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.

45. Guys think too much.

46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.

47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight doe s!

48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!

49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.

50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke
up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.

51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy.

52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up.

53. When an un likable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically.

54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power.

55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed pussycats with their girlfriends.

56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.

57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.

58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"

59. Guys don't really have fin al decisions.

60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.

61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him.

62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.

63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.

64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him.

67. A guy would waste his time over video games and basketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups.

68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.

69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!

70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your
advantage.

72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of
rejection.

73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised.

74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys.

75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well.

77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.

78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.

79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.

80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know
them,they'll realize they're wrong.

81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too
stubborn to deal with it.

82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.

83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee.

84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.

85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.

86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's
criticizing you.

87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him.

88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.

89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does.

90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain wh en he cries in
front of you!

92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why.

93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you.

94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.

96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!

97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

98. Guys hate girls who overreact.

99. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.


---

napapaisip ako. i've had this mini skirt dillemma for the longest time. i always thought my friend boys thought im boyish because of that haha but wtf for the past few days ang saya suuuper swim in the am hula hoop jumprope sleep tv phone lalalala THIS IS THE LIFE! haha. we're going away someday yeyyy

sana mag after holy week na IM SO EXCITED haha

?

Ewan ko ba. Ngayon ay isang pagkasaya sayang araw. Ngunit hindi. Aba't aywan ko ba. Minsan ako'y matutulala na lamang at hindi ko na alam ang aking nakikita pagka't ang aking utak ay napadpad na sa kung saan. At hindi ko alam kung saang lugar yun. Tila lumilipad ako sa isang malayong bahagi ng ewan ano ba universe sa tagalog? Daigdig? Tumpak! Daigdig ata. Sa kahit anong direksyon, sa aking palagay ang lahat ng tao ay may kakaibang pamumuhay sa kanilang isipan. Kailangan lamang itong parating bisitahin pagka't makulay ang mundong ito. Ito ag nagpapasaya sa akin. Kapag ako ay nalulungkot na, maiisip ko nalang na maari akong makarating sa mundong ito kung aking ipipikit lamang ang aking mga mata at dito rin maaari akong makalipad at kung ano ano pa. Bakit nga ba kailangan natin laging makatakas sa totoong buhay? Bakit lagi tayo nanonood ng TV nakikinig ng musika nagiisip ng kung ano ano at gumagawa ng kung ano anong bisyo? Bakit pa labo na ng pa labo ang mga nangyayari sa buhay at bakit nais kong mawala? Bakit wala nang bahay na kahon pag bumibili ako ng happy meal? Bakit nakakaasar si Atoy? Bakit ang daming lumalapit sayong mga tao na maayos naman ngunit di makontento pagkat isa lang gusto mo? Ito na lang ba mangyayari? Magsusulat, magkuha ng larawan, magddrowing, aalis sa kung san sang mga lugar, magoonline sa ym, matutulog magpapalipas ng oras sa maraming bagay na nawalan na naman ng katuturan pagka't may iba kang gustong maatim? Bakit dun napunta ang sinusulat ko? Eh sa iba ko naman sinimulan. Ganun na ba ang buhay ngayon? Sa iba mo sisimulan, iba ang iyong pakay ngunit makakarating sa kung saan at di mo naman ginusto ngunit kailangan mo gustohin pagka't wala ka namang ibang maaring puntahan kundi kung saan mo nailagay ang sarili mo. Bakit kapag may nangyaring masama sayo hindi mo masabi kasi kahit di mo kasalanan hindi mo rin alam? Masyado na bang lumalabo utak mo para gawin yung tamang bagay? Hindi ko rin alam kasi kung alam ko ang dami ko na sanang nagawa na matagal ko nang gusto gawin at siguro mas masaya ako ngayon pero hindi. Ninananais ba to ng Diyos? Bakit tuwing merong nangyayaring masama, mawawala ang paninindigan mo sa kanya o magiging sobra kang relihiyosa mawawala na sarili mong mga opinyon sa mga bagay bagay. Hindi ba pwede yung hindi ka nalang sobrang maaapektohan? Masyado sigurong malaki yung mga pangyayari at alam kong maraming maiiiba. Isa lang ang paraan. Naliliwanagan na ako ngayon. Pagdating na pagdating niya ngayon, yun na. Ayokong tinatapakan ako. Hindi na ako ganun. Ganun pa rin ako sa ibang bagay ngunit dito, ayoko. Ang aking pagkatao ay nawawalan ng dignidad. Alam kong wala namang makaiintindi dito. Pero hindi talaga pwede. Hindi to isang maliit na bagay lamang... Mahal ko siya pagka't kailangan...ngunit, mahal ko rin sarili ko.

we would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars

i woke up today from a very strange dream. sadly, i do not remember that dream. well i remember that there were people carrying boards with one word in it. i forget the word. i knew it this morning though. well not exactly morning since i woke up 1 pm which makes me a slugabed.. i woke up humming whn you're in my arms actually. i didn't eat because i wanted to continue the wind up bird chronicle. well mr wind up bird sees his 15 year old neighbor who reminds me a lot of myself and he says that maybe she just needed to be held. how ironic is that?i think that murakami is a genius. after eating i biked around and i thought about a lot of things which i have been doing lately and i did want to write them down but i forget that i thought those thoughts and nowwww im just not in the mood to. shower thoughts are always so profound strangely. water works for me like magic.

now i know what i want. and i'll do it for me. i dont really want wrong motivations. all the talks at the 604 bar seemed surreal. and though i went home at 4 am still tipsy, it affected me a lot. people actually cared about the fate of a young girl. some were messed up but they were happy. the drama is so slow, i've ceased from the insipid reality. sometimes things are different because we all exist in different realities so even if youre saying the same things it's different in another reality. just a thought.

even if you've absconded, i've become numb and in the long run the changes made are part of destiny. i read somewhere that it isn't destiny until it's been done. strange huh? haha. i hate this destiny if that's the case. but i know that it happened for a reason which is part of the future destiny. haha. im not saying anything concrete. i just cant put into words what i really think it's like a whole void of understanding. i just understand. there aren't any words. just pure primitive thought.

i'm aestival which is why summer is my home. i'm going to be roasted in a while too...

someone once told me that you can never just have one feeling. always two. or more depending on circumstance. i wonder if that's true. so if i said i'm happy now do i have to accept that i'm sad too? or is driven an acceptable emotion?

what a long entry. sometimes i just want to live actually. when i'm in my deathbed i'll regret all the moments in front of this villain the computer. haha. but thngs have been in restraint lately aside from the fact that i dont really have time. i just need the music.

talks from the dashboard are awfully golden.

the days pass by like flies. summer isn't at all boring. i guess perspectives change too. like people can change in a week. in 48 hours even. i now know the truth and stuff. why it happened. i can't lie. it makes me sad whenever i think of it...but i guess i have to get used to it, i'm the most disposable...i've also been mulling things over. the more i think of it, the more my head says no. and my heart too, i guess. i try not to think of it but when i do it's on the no side which is awful. it WON'T be the same again, this effort for normalcy is anything but permanent. it's so unstable.

i'm in the mood for some quiet. i watched rent. the story is beautiful. stage still better. but the story's such a tearjerker. i've made so much promises to myself which i all broke which is sad. i wasn't planning on breaking them,...just that, under the circumstances they had to happen. a sudden surge of sadness. which came after last night's fun.

i had like an angel last night. i suddenly want to pursue things that i want. i want to be a photographer. seriously, it's the only thing i can think of as of now. oh well. the indie bar we went to was sooo nice

gtg tbc

fascinating new thing

i'm surprised that you've never been told before that you're priceless and you're perfect and that somebody wants you.

that would be

ME!


--


haha. paint me a face, world! i might as well be a clown in the streets of elephant and castle.

things are going strange! but summer's DEFINITELY becoming interesting. absolutely. today's the first day i got stuck at home. and i enjoyed it. haha. out out out's the way i've been going lately. i just can't wait to go to the beach. frostbite was fun i said i feel conservative and my st paul friend said yeah you are haha man it was disastrous tooooo not much good good movies lately i just want to watch rent and the da vinci code which is apparently on hold which is SAD oh yeah i tried really weird stuff lately i even fell on my ass which i think has a bruise on it bruised and brokennnnnnnnnnnn haha what am i doing? maybe i should just say no! haha. but things aren't that simple sometimes. who's a coward now huh?hmm? hmm? HMM? haha what a random statement. not a fashion statement because my sense of fashion is screwed up its just exchanging denims and capris with the shirts i have which are mostly white yellow and blue or a solid color nothing pretty hahaha plus anklet my my my my WHAT am i SAYING? i must go before this gets any stranger! haha

happy april fool's!!

i am april's fool.

make fun of me all you want. haha. whatever happens it'll be MY fault right because im not assertive. haha. what?

anywayy the rain was oh so fine and little it was cute i just had to drench myself in it which i couldnt do sometimes you're too late! haha. cant wait for soccer to begin and review classes and the batangas trip yeaaay! or calatagan? or punta fuego? i dont know i dont care just give me the sand and the waves and the stars! i already have the bikini.