where were you when we were getting high?

i've been horrible.

today will soon be gone, like yesterday is gone.

i need to focus. maybe i'll fix my grades or something. i mean i don't have a life anyway. today was the worst day ever. again. i wanna cry. again. but i can't cry. again. it's okay it's all going to be okay, i promise.

let's think of something good instead.

because of things that are happening, i will be driven to make something happy for myself. i will fix my life. i will fix my room. i will donate my clothes to the outreach. i will FIX MY GRADES. promise. 1/2 of second quarter has passed. promise i'll make my qpi reach 3.0. promise. 3.2 pala. promise. I WILL STUDY I WILL STUDY I WILL NOT LIVE FIRST I'LL STUDY INSTEAD. i won't sleep. i will study. eat study eat study tennis study tennis study eat read read tennis study eat study read tennis. hahaha I WILL LAST FOR A FEW MORE MONTHS LIKE THIS. i want my mom to be proud on graduation. okay. i'll begin in

5

dear Lord, please help me. i know this won't make me happy now

4

but it will make me happy in the end, i promise. it will help me forget. isn't that what we're all after? i mean, not really but when things are like this

3

i have to set my goals and i have to take things a step at a time. forget regret your life is now

2

it isn't yesterday. yesterday is so yesterday. this is all you can do this is all you can offer right now since it's whats taking up your time just give it your best when you do it, DO IT WELL. God bless.

1

did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

and today was the worst day ever. ever.

i never thought it would end this way. not when everyone was smiling. not when everyone was worrying about something else. i tried. i really really tried. i tried with the effort of decades. i feel like i'm living the worst day, i feel like you're gone. cheessyy but true as hell.

i've been thinking wishing hoping praying in your heart is where i'm staying.

i miss you alot. i understand that you have to do it without me. i'm really sorry. i am missing you to death i've written like 4 looong letters to you. haha i hate this i hate this everythingis falling apart i need to find ways to piece my life back together but how?

SABAW

sometimes the sun comes round the moon

the ghastly place moved me. i could just imagine phantom people dancing with the stars at the side. even worse, i thought of me dancing there in the middle of phantom people. it was so magical, i can't really explain it. it wasn't something you'd see in the movies. it was one of those halls where people danced in storybooks you read as a kid. i didn't care that i had to usher nuns. i was just dreamy the whole time. ana had the same sentiments, actually. it was weird. i could go on all day about the sparkly lights and the quiet music and how the carvings seemed so perfect but i won't.

today was okay (technically speaking it was yesterday but anyway), i mean, being pulled out from class and eating jell-o surprise isn't bad at all, neither is secretly taking pictures and surfing the net. i went back to school only for elective and i swear if this goes on for more than two days, i will be a walking glob of lard.

i'm scared for physics. i'm scared for my grades. i don't like my schedules. i'm scared that i might suddenly break down. in fact i'm scared for so many things. i'm sad about many things, but i when i mutter a prayer, things seem to be okay. there's so much on my mind. i hope my mom gets together with uncle charlie. hahaha, yeah right. i really want to watch el fili tomorrow. i miss tito a lot but i guess this was going to happen anyway... it's irreversible and i guess he wouldn't want me there. either way i'm proud of him.

life is good.today manang anabelle got burned and it made me feel really horrible because i saw it and i watched her take the pain with so much grace, and i guess today i'm thoughtful, so it made me think of so many unrelated things about life. all it took was fire. it's strange. isn't life strange? yeah life is strange, stranger than the movies. we always get the grey. we never really get our happy endings. we make them in our minds. it's 2 am i haven't started economics oh well i won't sleep anymore. bye world, i love you.

save the best for last

it's 2 am. i don't want sleep. i just want to live. i don't want to miss out on anything.

i'm scared

and there were many before me

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

for some reason, i feel braver now. so many things are coming after me and yet there's some sort of quiet inside me...a feeling that things will be okay. whom shall i fear? we've been given so much and life is so so so beautiful. we shouldn't just go through it. i want to savor every waking moment. i want to dream every wasted dream. i want to stop caring. i mean i still ought to care about grades and stuff, but yeah. i don't want to have an idle mind ever.

things have been so unforgiving lately, but i'm happy. the aeta immersion has been cancelled and that's like cancelling prom, just worse in 26 different ways. it fills me with extreme sadness but i guess i have to live with it.

i'm scared but i'll try to be brave. that's all i can ever do. and i have to exert effort too. my grades suck. i'll probably get a 3 or less. i feel bad about that. so i'll do something about it. i haven't punished myself enough. haha. but oh well. what can i do. i keep on wanting to be more than this. but for some reason, things are changing. i'm content with the way things are. i'm not depressed. i don't sleep at 3 am anymore. i don't starve myself anymore. but i still bite my nails. the battle has yet to be won. i want to own this. i want to be accountable for my choices and i guess i've made a few errors here and there, but that one, i'm not so sure. you'll always be a part of me and i'll always always hope you come back.

i am in need of presence of mind. daydreaming is my downfall. it gets me off guard and i tend to forget that the real world is under my feet and not over my head but oh well. i feel good that i'm laughing about this now.

i had the worst nightmare of my life. ever. but because of this, my faith has never been stronger. i want to change the world for the better. but yeah. one at a time.

i'm confused

Love is not love which alters, when an alteration finds. It is never a fixed mark that looks on tempis. And is never shaken. Love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out, even till the edge of doom.