i feel lonely

okay, so maybe it's because i'm alone in my room right now and there's no one to talk to.. haha! anyway, i finally have my star shoes. weee. i want to pimp it but it scares me. this week has definitely been fun, for the most part. maybe it's because i'm generally happier now. i've been thanking God so much. i have so many blessings. i don't have everything i want, but i am happy. i realize how important it is to have a bestfriend. katha definitely gets my drift.

today my mom told me about kuya alan. he was going to buy his wedding rings. his budget was just 1k, for both rings. i can't imagine how humbling the wedding will be. they decided to not get married in church anymore, cause it's too expensive cause you'll have to have a reception after. he's leaving our house and i almost cried cause he was such a good kasambahay, to be politically correct. he'll take care of animals from now on, that's what he says. it's sad. i mean, happy for him, he's getting married, but i feel like crap cause i don't know, 1k is what? a shirt or 2 for me, and that's 2 wedding rings for him.. and i've always seen weddings as magical. i'm not saying this isn't but for it to take so much from them like their jobs just to be together, that's love.

anywya, i finished harry potter 7 already, and omgitwascool. i'm such a sucker for potter. such a guilty pleasure. jk rowling is a genius. i give her that. the way she wrote it was so nice. i really believe in loyalty and selflessness. i learned that as a kid, when i first read potter. it's taught me so much. tears im getting emotional that it just ended. no more harry potter save for the movies. it's sad that they never show peeves in the movies though. i wish magic were real sometimes. life would be so pretty that way. oh, and i think jk would be such a good psycho analyst. i now know why snape is like that, and petunia, and dumbledore and everyone else. i think jk rowling is one of the people i'd like to meet before i die, though i might've conversed with her a million times already in reading harry potter.

oh i wish i could have infinite free cuts. haha but then i'd miss school and wish for it. it's such a sick cycle.

i miss singing. i wish i could sing forever. and take pictures. and save people. and fight for what's right. i guess that's why i'm in UP too. to see people of infinitely different walks. it's so magical. and i love it, i love how people are responsible. when i look at people though, i imagine them as high school geeks. haha.

i wish i were tonks. i often want new haircuts. haha but then i miss long hair. i'm so so undecisive haha oh well. i wish i were a little more wild sometimes. i guess i need to be around more impulsive people. haha! anyway i feel like a spaceman cause my things are outerspacey.

oohh i can't wait to be with reiny again. hugs.

it's got to be and it's got to hit you

i have to focus. focus focus focus. it's so hard to do that lately. things bug me. is this just a phase?

lately i'm learning the power of self. of thinking before you say things, before you act. little by little i'm starting to appreciate myself :) even in the littlest way. i'm becoming stable, and and i'm just driven to improve. i really want to be better. i want to be happy. i still cry a lot about one thing, but that's the only thing and in time it will be gone. my life is super. i thank God for where i am, and there are no regrets. on my part at least. what emotion is that? when you want to regret something for a person? haha what a feeling.

i love school, and i worry about some things but i just have to know that i can take 'em on, i guess. i just want things to be okay. life is marvelous, after all. it deserves to be lived. i know now what i want to do with my life, after photography. i want to be a human rights lawyer. but it's scary. there might be death threats, so i'm considering corporate law, but i want to do something meaningful with my life. so human rights is cool. and it's something i've always been affected with. seeing things happen and not being able to do anything about it sucks a lot. still thinking though.

i love my Rein bear a lot. isn't that the best cherry on top ever?

I've been wishing on a star but I never could have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome travelling
Took one look in your eye, reached out to hold your hand
This is when I realized what I could never understand

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
Do you want to run away or do you want to stick around?

Do you want to be my one and only love?

the charade is over

when they say things you don't know won't hurt you, it's just an excuse.

anyway, things will subside cause time heals all things. it can break things too, but time is bendable. you can choose things. tiny prayers to father time.

anyway, tennis has been really fun. i played 5 times this week, and i'm getting really, really dark. but it's all good. for some reason i don't really care about my skin tone. being brown means i'm not afraid to face the sun. alright!

college life feels pretty weird to me. the other day i got home at 2 am and i haven't really done that, save for prom and stuff. impulsive behavior to get your mind off things. it's weird how the people i'm with lately are just starting to grow on me. i mean, i've been around the same people more or less for eleven years and here i am in this totally new dimension. and it's UP. how many people went to UP diliman from my side of town? very little. even my friends from other schools are in admu dlsu and ust. so i've been wandering around lately, and i guess it's good. i really love my school already. i love the mix of people. and the scenery as well. and the profs are genii! haha.

saturday was strange. lucky me i saw jiggy g and arjay. but man, how the passion sucked. well the concept was just strange for me anyway. romnick sarmiento or sarmienta or i don't know wasn't such a fitting jesus. and the whole asia thing was strange. almost unreal. there were lots of things that could've used improving, really. so not a very good first play from dulaang UP.. but i guess the other plays are nice. that's what i hear at least. arjay and i laughed at it a lot. and romnick had tattoos. he looked arrogant too. jesus. npi. and i couldn't really sympathize wth mary. and the actors acted comedic, or maybe it was the lights. anywho, i'm in the mood to babble. i can't wait for the simpsons movie. spiderpig cracked me up so much. i really want to buy the homer philosophy but at the time i was in powerbooks i didn't have 800 to spare. next time i swear i'll buy that. and the toilet stuff. spiderpig spiderpig!!

i just got back here and i haven't unpacked for the week. tomorrow i swear, i will use the free day goodly. haha! i'm really learning about money lately. how fast it leaves. i never really thought of it in high school cause i just brought baon but now i think i'd like to monitor myself. or something, so i can treat myself to something over the weekend. when i'm not busy with school at least. it's funny how in the dorm, even if you aren't close to people, there's a bond. it's cool. people here are okay when they are. my friend gina is hilarious. she's korean. she buys so much food. she talks fun and she's really quite amusing. the best person i've probably met around here is pao. he's really kind and understanding. everyone thinks so. he makes sense when i talk to him and hen he tells me things. he's like an older brother. so is joe. for some reason we're in proximity a lot so people confuse us. and lira is a complex person. i don't know. she's really cool. the people here are. so i guess adjusting isn't so bad. i just broke down the other day cause i was really sad and needed katha or kitty. i realize how much we need each other and how much we miss each other. that's how we are when we talk. stories, stories. endless stories.

i realize i shouldn't get used to the base 50. people fail cause they were accustomed to it. i won't fail. yay me. i wanted to see the cs list so badly for inspiration but i didnt find it. oh well. its a small katipunan world. funny how i dont see the people i expect to see.

i'm still confused, but getting better.
life's a great oh well sometimes but hey,we will cope. :)

it's like you not wanting me to go the day before the 7th.

except it's a different circumstance. much worse.

what the hell.

im not the one who wants to mess it up.

--

turn time fragile

la
la
la

today we didn't find the list but i'll find it. today today today how was today anyway?

i'd give up forever to touch you. asa.

i slept to let the madness subside. they tell me it's okay, and i know it is, but i just don't want to think negatively of this anymore. so i slept and when i woke up, there it was.

nothing.

nothing for 6 hours. i remember the story jiggy told me about how mad he was at sari because she didn't text all morning because she left her phone at home and so he worried so much. oh well. nothing happens to finding a way. so yeah saying my side thank goodness i'm not wrong.

but i don't want to feel bad anymore. i just won't put any more effort in it. thank heavens for friends though, who sympathize and hug.

no more.

stoicism is my way today. so are sleep and random hugs. and studying too.

i know what i am.
i am not dirt i am not dirt i am dirt i am not dirt i am not ddddd

EGAD.

try to be strong, hannah.

overjoyed, yeah

I LOVE YOU REIN :)

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.