the tough gets going.

i feel so up against the wall. i don't have my recess and lunch because of meetings. when i get home, i'm too tired so i end up falling asleep on my reading. why do we get so much reading crap? it's so tedious. my days are so tedious. ms galan is stressing me out. she called my mom to say blabla your daughter is the only one i can trust to do the work blabla which i think is unfair. my grades are suffering. i don't like getting just right scores, it annoys me. for the third time since second year, i failed a longtest. there's so much i have to do. im a kabazillion chapters behind in mga ibong mandaragit. i have to study math. there are so many projects. on top of that, planning. cham's debut which is days away. grad song competition this friday. star city with aetas this friday too. overnight from friday to saturday. the frickin concert on friday. we havent dropped scores for crying out loud. i don't know if i can handle the ovenight and then the concert the same day and then rush to the la salle ball. on top of that the teachers are on this self study stint which sucks because there are so many interruptions so we have to do it all at home. my house isnt exactly conducive for learning. i have to wait till the tv sets are all off. oh and im hungry :)) we discussed college again which scares and frustrates me its so unknown blabla i could go on

oh, and my thoughts are NOT stupid, fish! you don't have to do that.

i feel so bad

but days like these, i learn to see the people who really, truly, genuinely care for me. people who take time away from themselves to ask me how im doing and to make sure i survive this. people who will forget themselves for a while. people who help. people who know how to make me smile and people who actually make me smile. people who lose sleep for me. people who exert extra effort. i'm grateful for people who aren't really close to me but are sensitive enough to feel my pain. haha. i nearly cried when aie raised her hand when i was asking who could please encode the messages. it felt like a million years before someone carried the weight of her own arm. i mean, i don't really expect people to actually do things for me but the fact that they're willing is enough. i thank God for people who rise above themselves. people who surprise me. people who don't make the going tougher than it already is. people who make sure i'm alive. for my mom. for my friends who'll give up a few minutes of their time. for the random hugs. for the words which give me will to go on with this for just a little more.

hannah feels strong at 2 am! haha. no sleeping for me today. i am super! i will get through wednesday. and the days after. i can do it, thank you.

i won't let anything hold me back.

don't jerk around, don't be a fish

times have been tough for me lately and this is not helping.

i wish i could just wake up and forget about all this one day.

i don't feel so special. haha!

i read the joy luck club til infinity and we didnt discuss it. man i couldve read panitikan

i failed economics. highest score was 58/90. nuff said. i got a 41 :( i feel stupid.

i'm tired.

but i know i can do this! haha.

easy hannah.

people can disappoint you. maybe i should lower my expectations

even if deep inside i know people can rise above their situation.

sometimes.

dear hannah you are super and i love you love hannah

in any other world

i wish losing things didn't hurt so much.

i treat my things like people.

i don't fix them in neat piles. i put them in places which look comfortable. i let my things hug each other and kiss each other. in my world my camera marries the pillbox. i dress my things up. i kiss them.

this makes losing things so HARD.

--

i hate selfish people.

jklhal;fndladklahdajkxklgiehrehrklhdjlaknam,x

these days are tests from God.

:(

time, such clumsy time

in a fast paced world, it's hard to stick to the things you believe in.

nothing's ever black and white.

your own rules

well they're twisted.

clementine

i've been told by quino i think that if you cannot love yourself, you cannot or should not love love someone else. i don't know if there's any truth to this though. i guess you shouldn't think you're any less than who it is.. yeah. i remember reading that most of the time we fall in love with people with the traits we dont or want to have. probably why they say that opposites attract. ha ha.

so what am i saying? i guess this isn't for you but anyway, we should stop dwelling on THAT. it's taking up our time. and i suddenly feel a distance.

--

today was --

valentine's day sucks.

but sex is good (sinangag express)

i wish

nvm :))

--

there are just some things in life that we can't avoid. things that we couldn't avoid and so we watched it happen. it made us feel bad but we didn't have a choice. and we can't avoid knowing that it HAD to happen. and you just stand there and cry in front of everyone because you feel so helpless. it's the worst feeling after regret.

my posts are getting long. i guess i still need people who'll tell me what to do and what they think and lately i just don't have that but it's okay i guess i have to figure it out on my own. if only that didn't make me feel so alone.

i've been thinking without telling :))

oh dear.

i need to write a list of things i want to and have to do before i graduate.

maybe to feel real

sometimes, we get carried away by the moment that we forget about the people who really matter. we forget about the people who're in it for us..the people who tell us they love us, the people who actually show it, the people who try to suck up to us when we're not ourselves. we get caught up in our own misery that we forget that it's in these times that the bigger thing out there..fate? i dunno not really, but whatever it is gives leeway for us to find people who will care for us no matter what. people who sense that something is wrong. people who don't need to find out why, but people who will assure us that everything will be okay and that they will be there for us. and in the end they're right. things eventually feel okay. we see that life is real with the pain we just couldn't take at first. as the pain gets tangible, so do the people. we get used to the pain. one day we wake up and realize it's gone and there's a surreal feeling of newness that seems so uncomfortable in a good change way. it's something you've felt before. something ancient. and then you realize that you're happy.

i'm just not sure if i'm happy in every aspect. but having people around me makes everything okay, everything bearable. having people who love me makes life worth the live. well, having people people makes you capable of the live itself. haha.

Please God please

so who's gonna watch you die?

it's strange.

i can't get it off my head.

please, God.

note to self

i forgive you for being insecure. you have the right to.

hahhahaahahahahahaahahahahaha.

it doesn't show anyway.

i think it's okay i can't do anything about it

why is it a big deal to me? haha

oh hannah when will you ever learn?

i'm trying :))

so far awaaay.

we could hide inside ourselves..

make believe there's something left to find.






you're always in my heart.

it's all for you.. and my worst pains are words i cannot say

still i will always..

i don't need this from you today. i'm sorry.

there's so much on my mind. my thoughts are like little insects that eat me up whole.i can't explain it. it's today. like tears are welling up inside my head and im just to stubborn to let them out so i resort to silence and laughter.

and my one saving grace.. i guess not tonight. i must have done something wrong.

why is this happening to me? i guess it's God shaping me. maybe things will work out fine in the end. i hope they will. i just..i dunno. i was on the verge of losing one things.

lately i think im being detached from things i've always held on to. on purpose? i don't know. i don't know anything anymore. i'm shaken up.

i miss feeling close to God, i miss praying and thinking that things will be fine. i guess i have to put more faith--in things, in people, in God. it's all i have. i need to count my blessings. it's hard when bugging things outweigh them though. lately im just quiet but there's just so much.

why this one toooooooooooooooooo whyyy. i feel so worthless. maybe i am. wait no one is. maybe im making myself worthless. i try not to. i just dont know where to put time. i feel so selfish lately with my prayers. maybe i am. sometimes i really really think that since i was a mistake in the first place maybe its all an accident and im just a filler or a burden i dunno that scares me a lot. what scares me most is this process of losing. its so hard to just accept. if only i were a little bit more like the lifers i have for friends.

aaaahck. and i thought it would be there even for a while. today im wrong. i got hurt

being with you here makes me sane i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side

well i miss you so much it's CRAZY.

oh well just a little more time and i think it won't be this way.

anyway, my days have been so -- lately.

another touch, another taste, another fix

i need something.

the first star i see may not be a star...

time, such clumsy time... if not now, when?

when you tell me, i really really believe you. i know you mean it and i thank God everyday that you are here and you are with me. i always always pray for the best. i want time and i want time with you.. and that's what feels right to me. i just hope and pray all the time. you know.

i really believe in forever.

so many things have been happening to me lately.. i've been praying hard. i'm having a hard time with some things but i guess this is a memory being weaved. i guess these are just trying times. times which try you, times you have to try. i just can't understand some things yet but i guess it's all part of grwing up or something.

i just can't wait to be safe in your arms again.

i've always been afraid.. today i tried and i know i'm done with that. i just wanted to see. i've been talking to the most unexpected people lately. i mean i feel a distance from michelle and katha due to the fact that they are either asleep or doing something for school but i totally understand that they have their grades to hold on to. as for me, i'm just trying for high school. i don't think i left a mark anywhere. i don't know. everything i've always believed has been challenged lately. well not really, but you know, i just feel really insecure lately. what i once thought i had, i feel like i dont have anymore.

i've been musing lately and i guess it's the senior year blues or something. i want to leave the shit they're putting us through but i don't think i'll ever leave the people or the memories. not the heartaches not the smiles not anything. i guess life's like that. we need to grow too. and whatever this is, there must be a good reason for it. i learned that from you. in fact, i'm learning a lot. more than i think i'd learn.

i've been talking to my dad. he says i make him cry. he says i have a nice smile. he says that he thinks of me a lot when he is alone. he says that he is touched that i consider him my father. i don't know what to feel in all of this. i guess i feel overwhelmed. or maybe i'm growing up. i've definitely forgiven him but there's still his gait that screams out stranger. i am touched by his efforts and i still look up to him. it's just not tangible but i can still feel it.

i have more to think about though. in these moving times, sticking to who you really are is getting harder and harder. even harder if you really don't know what that is..

but anyway, i'm happy. i have no choice. i have to be enduring. and i have to sense everything. what good would all this be if i didn't? i'm really trying. there's only one sure thing. everything else seems to be a haze to me...

i can do this.

sunday secrets.

i love you in many parts.

i love you like early mornings
like cold and slept on pillows
and sunspots on blankets and dusty light coming out on windows
all quietly whispering, "wake up, love."

i love you with a love that thinks
a love that grows
and a love that transcends time
a love that knows for sure.

i love you with a love of a million hands
hands that creep secretly, slowly
into the chasms of who i am
hands that dig for truth and for hope, hands that dig for sparks.

i love you with a love that feels
i love with a love that smiles and laughs
gets jealous and gets hurt, a love that cries
i love with a love human in all senses of the word

i love with a love of wasted years
struggling to come alive
and stops ticking away the hours
a love that found life from your breath

i love you in many parts, in countless ways
like shrunken life forms
(dreading the street sign that says 'you'll be leaving soon')
forming something extraordinary