immortals of the open sky

i've been trying to make ins and outs..trying to do what's best. i hope it all works out fine.

today was a good day. i joined 2 orgs. i'm super excited for tennis UP. to join, all i have to do is complete the 12 training sessions. and i'm finally done with the brutal quiz. imagine, 600 pages for a ten item quiz. sheesh. 4 numbers had all or nothing questions, like who were the three men who bla bla. i got a seven which wasn't so bad, i might've gotten the highest score cause when people were passing i saw threes and fives, but i know that if i had studied for like, 30 minutes more, i would've gotten those. and one mistake was wrong spelling. if only if only if only if only. tonight, i have to brainstorm for my art studies masterpiece and finish my comm 3 presentation. then i'll do math. i wanna become a tennis freak and take over the world.

i realize i'm becoming a workaholic grade conscious person. that's new! i have no homework and i feel sad cause i don't. i felt a thrill in answering the test! hahaha. or getting a 'good' from the teacher. i love UP. i love how they're all smart and i have to work so i can be like them. work HARD too keep up with the pace. i love the responsibility that comes with being an iskolar ng bayan. no one reads this so i can gloat and talk about things i really feel. but yes, i'm learning to love UP. i'm learning to appreciate more things because of it. i'm learning to prioritize. most of all, because of the diversity, i'm starting to grow up in the good way, i'm not anymore swayed by the majority. i can choose who i want to be. i don't draw in class even if my seatmate is. no way will i start smoking even if lots of people around me are. im trying to stick to what i think is right. in UP, you will never get crucified for difference. it's normal to have no ym. to have no computer. just yesterday, the professor asked why tj didnt write down his number. he said, sir im still saving up for it. he said it with no sense of pity whatsoever for himself. he knows he can work for it. little things like this inspire me so much. it makes me feel lucky. i know that my mom and i, as a family, we aren't rich. but we have more than enough. i'm inspired to work for what i want. i guess it is because of this that i get to face the issues around me right smack in the face, which di told me was an admirable thing. in a way, i've been braver. and i love life more than ever.

still, i know that things won't be easy always. but God wouldn't give me things i cannot conquer. no, i will not be living a sad life. Good put me where i am now, in somewhere new, somewhere unfamiliar and my task is to make whatever i can, feel like home. and in the process, learn new things. strive.

oh, the places i'll go.

i keep on getting them. they haunt me all the time. it's like, even if amends are being made, they'll just always be there because they were put there. and spilled milk will just be spilled milk. you can't put it back in the glass no matter how hard you try.

for history's sake

rein: are you mine forever?
rein: I wanna keep you!

of course. i'm all yours. you're the best thing that happened to me ever. i love you.

it's not where or what

and i've still got your hand..

do i?

we have got each other.

do we?

first this, and then that and NOW.

why did i have to find that out? i mean maybe i sort of knew it but i thought it was only in a drunken state and now i found out it's a conscious thing and it frustrates me because of this and that.

oh, when will you ever learn? when will i? die die die. haha..

otherwise, school's been good. i'm just going with the flow. i met new friends. yayy.

i know it will be a long time before i learn to love myself again.things have been done, have been said, and i know the things i'll never have the heart to say, and i know that it will be a long time before i put those things in the basement. those things haunt me before i go to sleep. they're the monsters under my bed; they come up at night and live to scare me and make me feel bad.everyday i feel it. evey hour, maybe...at least once.

though i say things like there are storms inside me, it doesn't seem to matter. but there are and i don't have anyone to talk about it with. not that it was there before. i know i can't go back. i can't go back cause i'll feel guilty but those were the days that the way i looked didn't matter cause i was amusing and that was enough. things like this never mattered cause even if i knew of others, i knew i'd come in first cause i was an object of affection and you were fond of me, and you told me and i believed. i don't always believe. specially now, i don't believe at all. i feel like the second placer. yeah right, i'm the first. if i were, then i would be. i would know, and now i just don't. i'm never ever enough, not lately, and God knows i try. but it doesn't seem to matter. i know i have to learn to love myself. but it's just so hard cause it's all been done and i know what it means to be a trophy display of bruises. it hurts a lot.


i know it shouldn't be happening simultaneously. does it just happen because of the guilt?

but yeah, i have to deal with this cause i don't have what i used to. it's so hard to, alone.

i'll just be here, holding on to my big dreams.they're all i have. i swear i'll try try try to do good. focus, focus, focus.

it's so hard to believe. do i still?

you caught me offguard

i love you immensely.

i LOVE the shower with the massage thingy. hahaha

oh oh oh.

i don't know what you mean.

i wonder how long it will take before it gets messy here again :))

plans oh plans.

--

Faded away like the color in a blue sky at the end of the day.
Night falls and the search begins for something better than this.

A scream or a cry, the truth or a lie,
I'm not sure they will save us this time.
I don't wanna be around
when it all comes down to watch something beautiful die.

happy monthsary

in a bit..

half a year and counting. the most important fraction of time.

as you sleep, and no one is listening..

i hope you're at least dreaming of me

sappy

i feel sad and happy. it's weird. actually i feel more sad than happy. i feel like such a bad person. i know i'm not, but i feel it. i feel selfish cause i feel angry right now and i know i shouldn't be. i don't feel a happy rush. they all left me again. i feel left out. i know i'll always have a reminder. reminders..everywhere. it's something i should try to avoid but i know i can't. i hate today. things always go wrong when they start with a tummy ache. i feel like crying. lately i just resort to staring unless i try or think too much about it or explain.. i feel so bad. i'm asking for too much. well i'm not asking for it, i'm just..thinking about it. and the worst part is, i'm angry. i've never been angry about it. hurt, sad..not angry. but now i'm starting to feel angry and anger is something i rarely feel. it's like i imagine a tantrum i know i'll never throw. i dont like this about me. i keep it all bottled up and i try to live with it and i end up feeling awful. i hate talking in fractions too. you always told me not to. but it's me when i dont trust something or i know i'll feel guilty about feeling i'll always be fractions. i want to be done with trying too hard to love this. i know i hate what's been forced on me. i know i don't like the absence of sensitivity. i know i don't like this feeling. i know this will always be here.

i wish it would just go away..but it's over and done and there's no turning back.

hannah,

STOP BEING INSECURE.

you're special, too!

weeee.

goal before school starts: get over insecurity. it was the biggest high school lesson: if you compare yourself to others, you can't win. get a criteria.

make me still believe

you're my favorite thing about the universe.

i wish i could always make you smile.

i'll be trying.