last post for 2005

happy new year!

BUO NA TAON KO. okay na lahat.

for more information, stare at my multiply!! hahaha it has nothing to do with the above though. lalalala.

forgiven, not forgotten. to some extent only. feeling wise. hahahahaha wala ako lang at si ate ming makakagets nito.

i'm evil but its gonna be the end of the year so a whole new page for me here!! IT FELT SO GOOD TO DO WHAT I DID

and to the person who does that to me, please im getting paranoid! hahaha but it's okay i know that it's one big joke and you're gonna laugh at me when you see me so tell me nalang

i will
miss
you
2005!!

WHY?

earth fire wind water heart

i cant think of an idea for the title so i put the thingoes in captain planet because i dunno its just funnn

anyway time for a little normalcy here. today we went to divisoria! with my mom's gay couterier (god knows if th spellings correct but i dont care this is my bloggie woggie ew) officemate because he says the best cloths are there so yeah it was fun with all the stench and stuff, why are all the salesladies in divisoria pretty?i mean all those chinese ones. anyway it felt good to get that over with. tonight i'm getting a new journal, my third one! i am so proud of myself, i'm finished with two of those. like, all my deep problems that bug me are written there and all the shallow stuff here. good to have both. i like writing it makes my mind free-er from being stuck up with too much thoughts that i go insane

my cousin sarah went to our place after years of not being able to see her and the first thing she told me was "you're so skinny!!" and it felt good for some stuck up reason.

anyway other than that we have the new version of ym and the ym smiley looks really different! less yellow. but wth. photo sharing is sooo cool. haha naaliw baga

school's annoying we were given tons of homework i wonder when to do them all but really i have to think about my new years resolution more because walalang i dont care much much much about grades maybe that should be my resolution.. start caring about my grades more and make the average higher in those merits! hmm.

i'll still think about that. i think that there's so much more to life than numbers on a paper i mean yeah maybe my classmates are gonna have better futures but how are we gonna know of the magc of serendipity??haha maybe i'm just finding excuses to not study. oh wellllllll i have to have to in one way or another.

i'm thinking of titles for our broadway themed prom. haha. some enchanted evening?? or change that to one enchanted evening. i would like to title it we will rock you..so...glam?but it's not prommy at all. lalala. season of love? haha. what? prom's one month away and we have sooooo much to cram plus school! ooh so school's the plus now huh. haha. thank God theatre hasn't been starting yet. i think i'll take a leave so i can play football in summer! or something. or maybe study for college. studying agaiinnnnnnnnn i do hate school. hahahaha lalalala.

I WANT TO LIVE! life get ready for me!! you'll have a lot of time because this sure doesnt feel like living! last night did though. i'm listening to savage garden's i want to live. like animals raw. hahahahahaha i dunno. funny. do animals know they're alive?i hate that book. hahahahahahaha i like animals though...specially my dog baby maux!! (pronounced mow) and i like dragonflies too theyre happy

nothing compares to you.

i spent today on top of the roof of our car watching fireworks. the fireworks tore holes in the sky. it was so euphoric. super content feeling all over. finally okay. china sucked! australia was the best, i think. or..i dunno. i wanna see Philippines!! i wonder why they held it here. hmm.

i was praying sooooo soooooo hard i could actually see it happening.

maybe you should use the courage you have to do what you want to do maybe this time you should think of what you want instead okay? okay.

today i slept for two hours only. i don't know. i couldn't sleep with all those horrid thoughts clouding my mind. i woke up with a splitting headache and i took 4 kinds of pills because i caught my mom's colds as well. i can't really concentrate on doing homework or reading that damned book animal farm. or el fili. i wish i had enough gut and maybe, by the end of the year, i'll muster it.

i wish i knew how to live without all these..insecurities. like..yeah.

i should be writing my new year's resolution!! or maybe not. maybe i'll just keep it in mind.

anyway, i spent the day watching love actually..again. it's soooooo nice. makes me think of how much we all yearn for love. maybe not all of us, but a whole chink of the world's population. it makes life seem so much easier. but i guess that's not what it's all about..life being easy i mean. what if the hokey pokey is what life's all about?hmm. i want to live life that way.

so yeah, i hope, tonight, it will be easier for me to sleep. loneliness can get in the way sometimes. i'm tired of waiting for that. i don't know if this is one thing i should be doing for myself. i'm not making sense am i?

life is still a pain in the ass but i love her so much i could die.

tonight we're going to watch the fireworks.

the highest wilt. maybe. or not.

why am i like this?

why do i still feel that way?

why was i so...happy..?inside i mean.

and why..why..you...?




this is wrong. but im willing to be wrong. this is my blog. nobody care please.

i wish it was you instead. it's so wrong of me to be thinking that. but i guess it's like one of those postcards.

it's happy and sad at the same time. like..yeah.

i wanted to fly and you gave me your wings...

you just never knew it.























i wish you were here.

thank you and maligayang pasko

january is taken form this guy named janus. he had two faces, one looking forward and one looking back. i owe this to everyone, and to myself. this is one of the most important things that i have to do before the year ends baga. :D

my thank yous for 2005.

firstly i would like to thank Mr. God! (album baga) He's always there to listen when no one will. He's always there to forgive. and guide. and everything! God is the man!

Next in line, my mom. We've been through a LOT lately, what with me being hormonal and stuff. thanks for loving me unconditionally. and for hearing me out and for keeping all my secrets. and for telling me i'm pretty when i get breakdowns of all my insecurity issues.

thanks also, family! haha labo. plus nanay, who is very patient. sometimes i take you for granted.

then my friends. asia, for just being their to give me ego trips and totally totally understanding me. migui for being a good magical neighbor, who listens to me except when i tell him to quit. karmi and abby, my family tripod! i really miss being with the two of you. study buddies for teaching me a whole lot of stuff last year and made me a little more outgoing. daniel, for being my dusk buddy last summer, for listening and for being honest and understanding. angelique for inspiring me a LOT. guru yots for all the very GOOD advice, i swear and the learnings as well. candice my cowess for being a hella good leader in everything and for always being considerate. jhong for making me live life without fear. louise my very pretty lab partner for always listening, for staying with me in those bittersweet heartache moments and for stalking with me. thank you, x for staying up with me and telling me all those stories, i know you can do it! thank you to all the 2s people, corinne and rina specially, then the 3s people, all of you! for making me feel like i belong and stuff. my ever so nice seatmates, ciara, bea and hotstuff kiteh. thank you balux for every nice thing you do to me, and every nice thing you tell me, thanks for my bday surprise! thanks to the people i met this year. thank you to my countermates! counter 14--the one where someone swears every 5 minutes. thank you, danielle!! suuuper kaduper. i love you a lot. thank you, barangay dos- ariza ate aisaa alvin and ate lyn. my bangag mates, ana, sarah and tara. for being with me and making me happy! nvc, thank you for helping me grow as an actress and as me altogether. what theatre can teach me is immeasurable. glee club also, thanks for everything. specially the juniors--nikka daisy, ava, dea, yelli, cham, diana. and ms gretch. thank you tito, for always always always being there, competitions, bday surprises and boring days. thank you michelle and katha. do i need to say more? you two inspire me. thank you vince, for saving me in the nick of time.

thank you also, to the people i missed for understanding. haha.

thank you also to the people who inspire me. the writers of my favorite books, yao ming etc etc. thanks to the people who create the most beautiful songs i know. because they keep me alive and sane. thank you for the magic. of every morning. thanks to the guy who invented TRAINS! i love trains. haha labo. thank you, summer. and optimism and happiness and all the things, the stupid things, the mood rings that make me me, the happy me! haha. thank you, stars for listening to me.

THANK YOU, LIFE! *hugslife* you can be so bestial and cruel and dire and all the nasty words i can think of sometimes, but i love you. man, i love you.

i feel motivated!

maybe it's the fact that it's 1:44 am or the fact that i came from a state of utter confusion, but whatever that is, i feel motivated right now. what a lame title.

i mean wtf, all the judgmental people around me shouldn't stop me from living life the way i want to live it. maybe thats what has been stopping me and maybe i should get away from these people. they get me scared.

okay, so tomorrow is homework day. i have to plan the break.

by the end of the year:

1. write year end thank you's
2. write down my fears and stuff
3. get away from the shadow(s) of *toooooot* and try to see where i fit in the big picture
4. read part of el fili
5. read part of animal farm
6. all the prom stuff that we wrote down
7. the gifts
8. erase all the negative thoughts i have against *tooot*
9. my resolutions
10. the la mesa dam thing
11. work my ass off for the things i want
12. do the things i've always feared. YEAH!!
13. do what i want and not what...they.want.
14. try positivism again
15. read, watch tv, dance, run, draw, sing, whatever
16. save up!!
17. find what i want, what i need, what i want to do, who i want to be etc etc etc etc etc.\
18. live

i have to believe in myself. no one else will. i need to think of a creative closure though.

and i also have to separate my far fetched dreams from my realistic ones. and do the realistic ones first. *realityhitsmeinhead*

omg i just thought that someone looked gay! i feel so happy for myself!! haha. FINALLY all of it is gone! i mean i cant completely take it away but a big chink of it is gone!! whew! isang tingin lang pala! wowowwwwwwww! i feel happy. about that. it's gone! hahahahaha wow

live mode!! oh hannah i know you can do it! hyper is good hyper is GOOD!

i am someone with a BAAAAD case of inferiority complex, but guru yots told me to use it to my advantage. thank you, guru yots! to figure out how, i will do so in the duration of the break.

i must keep legally blonde in mind. it's a truly moving film. haha.

what i learned for the past few:

1. never wear flips when it's muddy
2. never ever tell tito jokes again.
3. don't ask chain smokers to quit.
4. rocket ships are good places to ask people to the prom! hahahahaha
5. listening pays off. a lot!
6. continuous crunches using the anna technique (heeeehee) will make your tummy flat and achy in a good way
7. shopping is not therapy, it sucks. so does the food.
8. and when having an identity crisis, it is useful to feel very depressed at first. haha!

Ninety-nine dreams I have had
And every one a red balloon
It's all over, and I'm standing pretty
In the dust that was a city
I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
Here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go

Losing and random stuff

Teaches you a lot about life.

--

but I'm too happy to really be thinking about that am I? He.

smiling is the best invention. It's better than..Popcorn!

--

simbang gabi parang gusto ko mag attend na hindi.

--

I FINALLY HAVE THE ALBUM OF TEETH! I AM SO HAPPY even if I'm like paying for shooting star and me only. And I got so much more. Those were the only songs I knew from them before. Ha. With the cute video in the middle of the road. blahblahblah

shopping is therapy.

maybe I should start thinking of my new year's resolution.

I feel like I'm getting dumber by the minute.

ackk.




*dies

and a melange of other weird things inside me that no one in the world knows and im willing to explode but I guess not no one really cares and that makes me sad but what the heck.

really, I don't really fit in my class...Or my counter table. Just makes me keep quiet. im not even as happy a person as I used to be. Which is sad. I mean, my barkada is in my class, along with a lot of people in my closer group of friends but it's..I dunno. I miss normalcy. I mean I love my class. I cant explain it! argh. A lot CAN happen in a year.

I'm so incoherent, it gets to me.

HANNAH WHAT'S HAPPENING?!!!!!

tonk tonk tonk tonk paki tonky tonk!! alimango sa dagat!! lalalalalalaaaaaaa

best of me

to one of the best fridays of 2005.


soooo

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone
And so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We got older
But we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

We reflect on miscommunications
And misunderstandings
And missing each other too

Jumping to conclusions
Made me fall away from you
I'm so glad that the truth has brought back together me and you

We're sitting on the ground
And we whisper

read this. maybe you'll know what it's like. haha. ha.

i never knew how tiring shopping can be. never. ever. specially when all you've had the whole day was a piece of bread. yesterday was weird. i went shopping then i saw migui. my jacket is still with him. he cut.

i was ranting yesterday about how bland my life is. i seriously want an adventure. i sound like a kid but i guess that's what i really am. i want to go get lost somewhere. or whatever. my dreams are pointless.

i'm starting to thank God about a lot of things in my life.

because i wanted to fly so you gave me your wings...and time held its breath so i could see, and you set me free.

ooh you make me live

a lot of people have been saying "i wanna die" lately. i say, i wanna live!! i mean, surely this is not life yet. time in school, at home, in malls. i'm still out for the adventure! and i hope it comes soon.

i saw ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros. ping medina is so.. :D i got insecure. again. because maxi was prettier than me. haha. thank goodness i'm the girl! it was a really good film. i can't decide whether i want the cinematography to be better or if it's better that way. like a memory. i want to go to herench and get the maximo clothes! yeyyyy.

my frustrations all came in yesterday but they're gone now. soon as i felt the cold wind and the stars. last night was pretty starry for a friday night.

mornings are cool. and i have to be in school again. weekends, holidays. count everything in. it's homier than home now.

oh yeah the title. i'm lss-ing on that line. just that line. its getting to my nerves a little.

wake up call

i want to live.

i want to travel and get lost in a country all alone. like a journey... a pilgrimage that involves me and the rest of the world which i don't know, and God.

i want to go to paris and visit the streets in which some of the greatest artists like picasso or dali walked in. i want to know of no money there...i want to live with serendipity working on me..i want to learn how to repel materialism. i want to feel the world.

actually i wanna feel the love! haha.

and then and then and then i wanna fly. i want to photograph everything that i can. if only my memory was good enough. and then i can go sailing in a boat with a star patterned sail and a mermaid on its tip.

and i want a lot of other things that my lifetime and the world and science won't allow me to.

for now, all i can do is hold on (hannah hold onnnnnnnn) and lie down and stare up at the sky (or squint, the manila sky's star holes are small). and learn how to drive up to the bay to watch the sun set and then rise again. and close my eyes and try to imagine that i love all of this. and read and sing and dance and dance in the rain and try to be daring even if i'm hella scared...of the height, of the judgement and so on... and see nature and run and take pictured of what's here and try to turn something normal into something beautiful.

then find someone to share it with! hahahahahahaha. ha?

it's only now that i see that my dreams are going nowhere. but that won't stop me from pursuing them! i swear.

my life feels insipid now.

now.

not for long.

sometimes you want something so badly that when you don't get it, you want it even more. but sometimes, when that thing doesn't come for you, it fades away. and eventually, you realize that you don't really really want it. AND THEN, you realize that you already have something even better. something that kinda wants you too. something that's actually there...