i wasn't so scared, you were. that was then

this is now and the whole college fiasco's scaring me to death. i need a break from all the things floating and scuttling in my head. i need to focus. which is hard when you're always in far off places in your head.

i sound really schizo sometimes.

last night i reached a decision and that won't change. i should catch up before i end up as pieces of broken glass.

2 weeks left before summer ends. this has been the fastest summer ever. and the best one at that. don't ask, it just is.

i have this weird feeling inside me. something gooshy in murakamis words. haha.

my tennis teacher said somethig extraordinarily stunning. it went something like, you're gonna get it right anyway, so why delay it? good point huh.

i should start thinking positive. and studying. which is hardddd. specially for lazies like me.

okay gtg bye!

least we're dreaming

a lot of new things have been happenning and everything's so fast paced i just need to keep up and work hard. which isn't easy to do at all. i have a dog now. his name's bugoy but i wanted so badly to call him batman but they all objected to that and they ended up calling him bugoy. he's the cutest. i also started tennis and that's fixing my sleeping habits since it starts at 6:30 or 7 am. and it's tiring. it gets me so super RED after it's abnormal. but it's really really fun i swear. tennis is hot.

tomorrows the big test and i haven't studied. ack.

i'm tired. but busy.morning tennis then short nap then review. after, we go somewhere or not and by the end of the day im exhausted even if doesn't seem like much. i'm adjusting okay. just need to keep up with..things.

my dreams are bothering.

can't wait for this saturday in batangas. i hope mom allows me.

studying

is draining. i mean its okay but yeah all the new pieces of information...its a lot. and to preserve i guess i have to study a little everyday i have to force myself. im not brilliant. i must watch legally blonde. haha. i want to do this.

our maid threw the tickets and i cried and i later on realized that it was a happy thing.

i want to accomplish something everyday.

thats my new gameplan, world. today i fixed my room. and we drove to edsa. apparently, the billboard's up and being up on a pedestal is scary and stuff and yeah God knows whats going to happen. it's my t shirt incident of the century. this is my first and last. i swear next time ill be the photographer. i can trust the people who read this right? i mean i know i don't want to make this a big deal but im a little excited, i even have a picture of it. yes i am a dork nerd geek. im still me, normal one step below loser hannah and if that changes feel free to use just because your face is huge doesnt mean your head should be on me.





T H I S I S T H E L A S T T I M E

i refuse to talk about this again unless called for.

anyway i really really want a dog. i swear, i think i'll be happier or something. i dont know if this is just a stage or what.

i love my friends who stay there..here with me through thick and thin. who aren't so selfish. i miss katha and michelle who dont talk to me. i even talk to asia more. which is bad. but yeah they enlighten me a lot. today i was told to stop. and i will stop. haha! for my own good. my own great!

oh yeah i've been enlightened! i sorta kinda know now why i just can't. because i need someone who will dream with me till the stars fade away (yeah cheesy but who cares? haha) and who will accept my insanities and not tell me to grow up because im not ready to grow up yet! and who can talk to me and make me focus. i mean its a process but the clicking part isnt there yet you know? hahahaha okay maybe only one person gets this

reviews again tomorrow! yey. i actually enjoy those fifteen minute breaks with mark. but yeah its pointless to have summer flings. i should know. haha! this morning i wrote a chart of pros and cons for courses because im totally lost! i seriously dont know what i wanna be when i grow up except..photographer. and er. thats. pointless with no support. oh why cant life be a happy movie?

OH YEAH THE DA VINCI CODE IS R 18 AND I WOULD LIKE TO TELL MTRCB THAT THEY ARE STUPIDLY PROMOTING PIRACY AND THAT ITS POINTLESS TO CENSOR SOMETHING MORE THAN HALF OF WHAT THE WOULD BE AUDIENCE HAVE READ. THEY ARE STUPID LITTLE PRICKS. THE CHURCH IS PROMOTING THE YOUTH TO WATCH IT. HOW WILL WE IF YOU RATE IT 18 HMM HMM HMM? PLEASE QUIT IT I HATE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART RIGHT NOW FOR RUINING A BEAUTIFUL SUMMER. I ALREADY READ THE BOOK AND MY IMAGINATION IS AS VIVID AS THE MOVIE SCREEN GRRR

(dont get me wrong im not a da vinci code fanatic. im just in love with tom hanks and audrey tautou)

let's get the shit kicked out of us.. by love.

it's 2 am and i just finished watching love actually for the nth time and i will always always always melt like butter because of that movie. i won't go ranting about the scenes because it will be long and boring. i'll never ever get tired of watching that one.

anywhoo caloy's gone now and i'll miss him a lot. he brought the cold. i can't force myself to sleep now. i've been having the strangest dreams ever. i think i actually like sleeping now because of my dreams. i even remember my nap dreams. like i while ago i dreamed that i was with tito and he was smoking and i was telling him to stop and he gave me a long lecture about how the length of your life isn't important blablabla. and this morning i remember i dreamed that it was the opening of the da vinci code or something and everyone was there in their formals and stuff and surprise surprise my hair grew and for some reason i got mad with...and i went outa the main place and when i went out there was a yummy fondue fountain and all the yummy fruits and he ran after me (yeah i know this is literally in my dreams because no one'd really do that) and told me to eat a watermelon and then i went away and he followed me and then he put his arm around me and cheek to cheek he tried to say sorry. but i went away to some enchanted place. it felt so real, even my dream self screamed for me to wake up. seriously i never thought it was possible. my other dreams include wild monkeys biting me and gomez telling me the antidote but that's too weird.

thoughts from the sea wall

i took an ice cold shower with the ice cold weather and it's amazing how clean it made me feel. the weather's been so nice lately but then again when you're happy they say any kind of weather is good weather. i hear a typhoon's coming. come on sweet catastrophe.

i'm totally content right now. it isn't my usual happy ecstatic. just quietly content with the way things are going. it's stable as a tripod. beginnings are always nice. i'm just happy that i'm happy and not hung up on loneliness and stuff. i'm enjoying this. im fine and not needing anyone at all. i think i'm done with the cycle. i just sort of know that things will be fine. i don't know how, but they'll be fine. chapters and chapters are just chapters, not endings.

i'm in love with scents. i love the way the air smells right now. and i hate to say this but i reeeally love how the feminine wash smells. i love the way the rain smells and i love the way it falls nicely...like little people descending.

i like living right now. i like the little mishaps and stuff. i love being single. haha! asia and i were talking about it. and x the man too. i know that this loneliness is pressing us for the best. we have way more time to improve. yeah i want to be totally available in college too. when my friends call me crying about fights with boyfriends i have this secret feeling of relief that it's one less problem. and yes. when people ask me why not him, i don't know. i start to like him but yeahh, i'll always want someone who'll understand my strangeness.. maybe i'm just scared, i don't know. i'm immature.

for now everything feels like a happy rosy colored film. i don't know. it's the way things are. people disappear from me all the time and come back. why do they come back? i'm such a disaster magnet sometimes. call me jinxed for this. haha

i just want to hug all the pillows at home. they're so nice in the fluffiest perfect coldish way. i can't get over it. everything's so comfortable and my head and body sinks at all the right places. i love having the bed to myself. i just roll and roll and roll. only a pig who's spent euphoria rolling in the mud would know how i feel.

okay, goodnight, world. i'm off for a midnight snack.

tantantanan!!

zktokay so today i didn't get any sleep at all. i was trying, but i couldn't. 5 am we went to the fort for the ayala photoshoot. it was fun, same people from the last one. i interviewed alfred the photographer and i still really really want to get into that line of work. if i'm going to have difficulty with any job, i'd rather have difficulty with that one. haha! my dreams are so...i'll probably end up in an office anyway. i hope not though...i'll be getting lessons from alfred soon and i'm really looking forward to that. the people at b+c are so nice and all. theyre all interesting. i was out on field til 11 todayy. it was fun and tiring and im darker now. again. this whole modelling thing's surreal. i only join so i can interview the photographer. haha. i don't really like seeing my face on an ad or something. i'm not even pretty to begin with. but getting all dolled up and stuff, it's so...girly. i talked with toni and i might join her in samba! it's exciting. this summer's the best.

my mom's planning something for her birthday. we might go to bangkok but yeah i kinda doubt that since we're outa planning time, it's one of those impulsive things we just suddenly decide on. spur of the moment thing. i can feel that we'll end up in baguio anyway or something. haha! still, my fingers are crossed. she's going to be a golden girl and i hope she has fun with that and stuff. i mean it must be hard to be my mom. haha!

okay so when we went home ate ming and atoy were here already and ate ming caught martin watching dirty stuff i think. i feel bad that she finds it a relief that he isn't gay though. i mean that's a sick society policy. it's strange!! my family's strange.

summer's been fun. pm's holding a concert at our court in bulacan on saturday. itchyworms and orange and lemons. i think he's prepping people up because he wants to be a politician...he's the coolest. and i think he can do it anyway. you dont come by people like that nowadays...the other day i saw kuya alfie on television doing a show and i thought his job was sooooo cool. good looking people always have advantages. he gets to travel and be famous simultaneously.

there are still so many things i want to do though. when i saw brianna and mica this morning i wanted to shrink into a little kid again because i thought i could still hone all the skills in me. so much time got wasted and i don't want to do any of that anymore. i just want to live to the full, whatever that means. AAAA. i'm not yet sixteen and yet i'm so jaded. well not really. i just don't like it when people take my ideas and use it and claim it. or when people fish. haha! just because im nice doesnt mean i don't feel bad. haha! but yeah whatever it's not really mine either anyway God made it rrriiight? haha. oh well, taco bell!

tomorrow, review classes again. we're foot spa-ing after. haha! that should be an experience.

other than that, i'm getting close to the oddest of people and the people im usually close to aren't really there. i was talking to asi a while ago and we were talking about the uncanny details of our heartaches. we plan to make a lonely hearts club--single people empowerment! haha. it's funny, the things we come up with sometimes. no i don't want to settle. i'm happy this way. i'm just waiting for college. haha.

the up admissions form is intimidating. still i don't want to prep myself up for it because i'll end up getting disappointed and i might die. i'm brainwashing myself actually. now i actually want to go to la salle so i can be near home. haha! laziness takes its toll sometimes. but yeah i guess i know deep inside me that i still want to go to UP. but im not really in the top fifteen of the batch and its usually the top fifteen who gets in. or less.

i wanna hug me sometimes. haha! there'll be a typhoon soon; and the rain is starting to fall. a break from the heat but still summer. still im living up to my summer goal and i'm happy about that :D

for now i have to go and sleep. i was just in the mood to babble.

i love you hannah

i'm so excited for things it's almost scary

i let go. yes. (troglodyte accent) haha! i drew this yesteryesterday

don't read this it's boring

i really like this summer. i'm kinda proud of it in a sense. i'm content with things, i haven't done anything extraordinarily stupid and i don't get bored. i just need to focus and review more. i'm too preoccupied with the things i like that i forget my evil obligations.

right now i'm trying to think of photo ops :)) i want to have my film developed. working with film's been really fun...my fingers are just crossed.

so anyway, review classes have been totally chaotic! so has my family. i read the other day in reader's digest that a mom can't be bestfriends with her teenage daughter. sadly, that's what she wants. oh welllllllllllllll. i guess i'm her last resort or something. she's sad right now and i feel bad for her but yeah it's so hard to give privacy ago when i have to sleep beside her.

seeing my cousin david makes me not want to have kids. it's irritating, his mall tantrums. the other day was the worst. i wanted to die of embarrasment but i guess thats what we all do sometimes. it's been so strange without ate ming and atoy here...the house is unusually quiet. it's nice though. i've been having my fill of human solitude.

the other day my mom handed me a course list. it's odd. at fifteen i dont want to decide what i wanna do when i grow up!! it made me want to shrink and melt and explode into pieces but i carefully ticked away anyway. seeing the paper makes me hella scared of the things ahead of me. i feel so stupid and young, being surrounded by sixteen and seventeen year olds. i'll be sixteen when i step into college. still, i think it's a cool adventure. but my fingers are still crossed. if only i believed in real destiny.

i miss michelle and katha. i hear the same things and the distance is odd. i feel bad that they never ask how i am. but i guess they have to deal with things too and i guess i have to deal with that alone. and there are other friends too. i guess i'm just kinda disappointed that im not telling them the stories. but enough of that haha

i'm finally doing things! it's so cool. and im just typing randomly today

people i really want to hug

1. the chemist dude on tv who doesnt have much of a life and spends time in the lab and even has to make a tv show about the "marvelous periodic table"
2. katha. she is sad and drained by ajss. i can tell. thats all she ever talks about
3. michelle. i hardly know her. i could crush her bones
4. tito. i just want to hug him and say sorry
5. Papa my sailor man. i miss him a lot :(
6. ODD and my turtle who i can't hug, apparently
7. Dear dear. because there's so much in you and you don't want to tell anyone and it comes out in all your gibberish and when i touch you it's like there's so much you need to get out of your system and i wanna hug you because it's still you
8. myself. i know i need a hug. i mean, who makes a list of people she wants to hug? probably someone pathetic. haha. that would be me.
9. mig. you know why!
10. God. because he's the man.

anyway, racism is bad. who cares if i get negra-ed out? huh huh huh? i know you shouldn't! i'm still me, regardless of color.

i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it's awfully nice. i read the poem of alexander pope and it's six pages long with really small font. i want to memorize that verse for walalang reasons.

i feel motivated! this is an unusual feeling of harmony. haha!

I W A N T T O C H A N G E T H E W O R L D