the places you have come to fear the most.

Friday, September 30, 2005

criskets

school's been a crazy ride. but it's okay. we were allowed to sleep in some classes since the teachers finally saw that were all weak from lack of sleep or something... but oh well. school's school. too bad it has to be that way. i often think of how much more life could be. i want an adventure! haha. to live in a rainforest would be fun. or to paris and sit in cafes. or in the suburbs..or an international school perhaps. i dunno. it just feels like such a waste when i think that way. yesterday, i finally felt what it was like to live. i dunno. sick reasons..i finally accepted some grudges. and i will let go of them. good luck to me! and i realized how good it is to forgive. and how important it is to be yourself. i do realize how incoherent i am.

patis and john are leaving for the u.s. this saturday. everyone's leaving. i wanna cry. haha.. if only life in the philippines weren't so complicated. but it's okay, i only get one life anyway so i guess living this challenge is fine. i think i think too much lately. i hardly talk. but i'm not tulala either. my mind just goes somewhere faraway from here. sometmes i think i just need someone to talk to. not that i don't talk to katha and michelle. just that i don't really get to tell them a lot of things. or anyone for that matter. haha. oh God, please don't let me die a schizophrenic. i don't know what i want. haha. i just want to go awaaaaay. heehee. pms nga to. i can't sleep this early. i need to be in school by 4 am. crap.

i love my little cousins. theyre sleeping over. they're so noisy. and they're so cute. "ate hannah i can't find the tamarind! hey john do you have your pj's?""what are pj's? does it stand for patis and john?""let's just go to lego land!" daarn how i miss those childhood days where nothing really matters like the bohemian rhapsody.

ano pa ba. i want to type and type. it helps calm my nerves. gives me somthing to do. i need to sleep or else i'll lose my voice tomorrow! but i can't sleep because i'm used to staying up! God help me! haha. i want to eat. i ate crickets. did i mention that already? basta i did. it tasted salty and yukky at the same time. tata!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

speechless.

this feels weird..a ton of emotions altogether. i feel so intimidated right now. i know i'm not supposed to, but i guess i am. at the same time, i feel loved. i care more for quality over quantity i guess. and if i do, this is enough. i think.

thank you for everything. you. always you. maybe this is an illusion. i don't really know what this is. this uncertainty can kinda kill. it feels bad but with...around things seem okay. what a cliche. uy rhyme.

i want to be able to study. but i have bad habits. i hope they go away...

life is weird. but i love her. :D i have to read noli pa. and drink my medicine. medicine tastes awful. i think i'm getting fatter and uglier everyday..i hope it stops though. heehee

let's just smile.

thanks for everything God.

-----

A race is on, I'm on your side and Here in you my engines die I'm In a mood for you Or running away Stars come down in you And love You can't give it away

love is all of heaven away

monstrous

i hardly get any sleep. it's quite annoying. i sincerely wish i had enough guts to flunk school altogether and just take a break. but i can't. sadly.

what else. school is..i dunno. i was one of the approx 4 people who didnt cry. people surprise me. i mean continue to surprise me.

i haven't done a lot of things that i really want to do..like clean my room and sleep. sleep. i miss sleep. oh and love doesn't really mess up good friendships altogether. i just suddenly thought of it.

thank you God for everything. Please make things work.

i don't know what i'm feeling and stuff. i just know that life gets better if you see it through rose colored glasses.

oh yeah the title. it's othello ish.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

you know how sometimes you're looking so desperately for something, then all of a sudden you relize that you don't have to look because it was just there all along? something like that just happenned. freaky.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

decisions.

i made the biggest decision of my life today. i mean it may not be big to any of you. but to me it is. I QUIT THE SHOW. that means losing my first musical. my big break or whatever. but i dont want to leave school early, and mainly im a student, not an actress, unapparent as it is. it didn't exactly feel good doing it. i partly felt sad. but i didnt want to be selfish. if i were to do the show, i have to do it well. i cant be late. cant be mediocre. my health's bad. i sleep in class. it's half everything. so in the end school first. it feels good. i learned that i can give up things. and it felt better when i did.

i kinda feel guilty about some things that normally happen but not with me. no to peer pressure. i hope God forgives for this one time. please God.

don't go away. (it always happens, i hope the cycle doesnt restart)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

love

strange that you find it in the oddest of places. today for example, i realized how vital theatre is for me..because of it, i have learned to take nasty criticisms constructively..and stuff. it's an outlet. i'm having a hard time with dance but i'm really enjoying it.. it's the safest place. safe in a sense that there's so much danger into it that it feels like home. to me anyway. it's the only place bigger than life. for kids like me.

strange how sometimes you find it so hard to say no to one particular person. or something...what am i saying

i've been so hectic lately. but i like it anyway. i also like...


All your talk and supermen just
Take away the time
And get in the way
Ain't it just like rain?
And love
Is only heaven away

deliquesce

deliquesce \del-ih-KWES\, intransitive verb:1. To melt away or to disappear as if by melting.2. (Chemistry) To dissolve gradually and become liquid by attracting and absorbing moisture from the air, as certain salts, acids, and alkalies.3. To become fluid or soft with age, as certain fungi.

what a nice word.

i have no voice. i am disfunctional.

i just wrote about how bad my day was.

i decided to take it back. :D thank you. you make my day. or else i'd like to think so. i hope that this isn't another

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

happiness?

hmm. i guess so. :D is it bad to...? kidding. (?) hindi seryoso kidding.

things are going well minus my lack of sleep. and the death of a godmother. love you ninang swan. till your death you did something for me (you know what.)

saturday oh saturday please come. Lord help me get through this week.

hahaha with the thought of... things :D

Thursday, September 15, 2005

disease

The main causes of liver damage are:

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are the main cause.
2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and
artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking
oil
use when frying,which includes even the best cooking oils like olive
oil.
Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is
very
fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver.
Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should
be
finished in one sitting, do not store.

We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have
to
adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good
eating
habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb
and
get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to "schedule."

Because:

Evening at 9 - 11pm : is the time for eliminating unnecessary/toxic
chemicals (de-toxification)from the antibody system (lymph nodes).This
time duration should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If
during
this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed state such as washing
the
dishes or monitoring children doing their homework, this will have a
negative impact on
health.

Evening at 11pm - 1am : is the de-toxification process in the liver,
and
ideally should be done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 1 - 3am : de-toxification process in the gall, also
ideally
done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 3 - 5am : de-toxification in the lungs. Therefore there
will
sometimes be a severe cough for cough sufferers during this time.
Since
the de-toxification process had reached the respiratory tract, there
is no
need to take cough medicine so as not to interfere with toxin removal
process.

Morning 5 - 7am : de-toxification in the colon, you should empty your
bowel.

Morning 7 - 9am : absorption of nutrients in the small intestine, you
should be having breakfast at this time. Breakfast should be earlier,
before 6:30am, for those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30am is
very
beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who always skip
breakfast,
they should change their habits, and it is still better to eat
breakfast
late until 9 - 10am rather than no meal at all.

Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt the process of
removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside from that, midnight to 4am is
the
time when the bone marrow produces blood. Therefore, have a good sleep
and
don't sleep late.








hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

i am liver disease's number one victim!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

long days and thirty eight angels

THE RECO WAS FUN. AND DEPRESSING. BUT WHAT THE HECK IT WAS FUN.

o so anyway i had a long day today also, 7 am we had the priory kick off mass. then we went to classes to sit in for awhile then the magnificat rehearsals. CURSE THE PERSON WHO INVENTED HIGH HEELS. we had to stand for two hours with that on. then we were allowed to rest awhile, i regret not bringing noli me tangere with me, but it was okay since i got to sleep a while. then we dressed up for the concert. blahblahblah. we finished at then thirty. i'm tired. i just got home. i have a lot to do. i have to finish reading noli.

i'm learning naman, balancing time, coming on time, setting schedules and stuff. it's just..hard. really hard.

when i have or since i have no one else to turn to (everyone's too busy to bother), i feel lucky that God's there. i just need to help him.

and i'm lucky to be in a class who gives effort to understand me, who hugged me as if wringing a towel filled with negatively charged liquid. tears. i will try hard. i will not fail. no no no no no. yesterday, they were just there. they kinda filled up the emptiness. things are nice that way. hahaha. i need a hug right now.

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long
for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love,
time is eternity.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

stillness

freedom. or freedom?

hahahahaha.

this feels weird.

thank you for everything though. :D

much love.

i am an exploding volcano of emotions inside.

altogether it feels weird. but what the heck, we're having our reco tomorrow. maybe God will flash me a light or something.

anyway, today is proof that life is extremely ironic. you lose some, you find something else. or maybe something that has been there all along. ;)

i'll miss you :D

all of this plus the post before this, it's heavy. hahaha. i must learn to love myself.

i love you hannah when no one else will. hahahahahahahaha.

what the..

fate has its weird ways

today is the twelfth

i haven't slept at all in days (haha like the corrs)

but seriously i haven't. anyway, we saw my bestfriends wedding the other day right. that movie always makes me cry. always. so anyway in the end, when the guy tells her goodbye, someone blurts out, "i want a boyfriend" and that line hit me for some sick reason. and everybody stays quiet. and then someone says, me too. and then i start laughing. the academe has made us really lonely. ironically we had a soiree the next day. but it seems quite unfair to fate that you attend those things to meet someone. i hate myself for even looking. haha. God knows why im like this. the more i try to stop it, the more it comes. and the more effort i take to push, the more it won't budge.

i hate myself for being like this. hahaha, asaaaaaa. i'm just another chick trying to stand out rightttttt? it's too much of a struggle. i put so much effort just to make him look at me for just a while. i just realized things like that don't work on guys who seem to charm everyone. i don't want a crush. i'll just love mig ayesa. you know, people you can't reach AT ALL. it's better that way. you don't get disappointed. you aren't near enough to put your heart in their hands (crap this is cheezy [wtf this is my blog]) but yeah, i guess i give up, even if i'm just fifteen years old and i sound like an oa person, which is whats happenning right now.

i'm missing the people i'm missing. i cant believe i let chances like that slip away. this is what i hate, you know? looking back and seeing only regret, screaming at you in the face.

okay so it's one am whi8ch is probably why i wrote something like this, thoughts not incidents. it's just that. yeah

anyway, amiel told me that they say that when people have flying dreams, their soul leaveS their bodies. he said he liked flying dreams. when i was a kid i dreamed of flying consistently. which is spooky. i was freeer as a kid.

i wish i were a kid again. fifteen is so old.

i want to become a better person, not to please anyone, but to be content. i think i think about it too much though. why am i like this???

thank God for theatre which makes me forget about the real world for a while. you get to be bigger than life there, even if you arent really the best or anything. the only place i can let go, even if i haven't, which stops me. i need to let it go.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

weekend

the weekend went okay, i still haven't done one of my assignments but oh well.

saturday. CARDS OUT. buti nalang my grades were okay-ish. i didn't get a line of 7 but i had an 83 in panitikan. the 83 was actually a relief since i was failing a lot of the quizzes.

and i mean a lot.

then we had a soiree. it was fun. probably the best i had. the other soirees i've been to were semi disasters. the first one, 40 guys 19 of us. second, they were 2 hours late. third, we got kicked out of the place. so yeah, this one, people were one hour late (including us) but it wasn't bitin since i was there till eleven with louise and bea. so much for soirees. i hate getting crushes.

that soiree will probably be my last, all of my other weekends are full. tuloy pa rin yung "what weekend?" quotation.

then today was also a busy day, other than homework, we had sunday rehearsals, and the cast of AOL was...i dunno. amazing. i think that it's going to be such a tough ride. i felt all the pressure. and the intimidation. and the weight of things. we had a sort of getting to know you session. the usual things. silly dilly was dun since i had a lot of inhibitions and stuff. aspects of love is going to be haaaaaaaaaard. pero kakayanin. :D

"don't think too much. just dive into it."-rito in class kanina

Thursday, September 08, 2005

things...

i don't really know why or how i'm finding the time to type this. anywhoo.

i am happy and sad and guilty all at the same time. i don't know what to call this. hapsagui?hahahahaha.

happy because i have hot shots and kadamay/s for today.

sad because of a lot of things that i dont want to remember anyway. sad because of stress.

guilt because my mom got me a new phone like my old one and i think she got it because of the math certificate i got. im guilty since it was something i didn't really work hard for since geom is the only subject that doesnt require you to study. :( she might get disappointed when she sees my report card, particularly in panitikan. it's kind of depressing actually. it's not that i dont appreciate it but it feels so wrong.

so i made my promises to myself, only the feasible ones. i decided to take my promises seriously.

my schedule is CRAZY. i'm estimating an average of going home at 12 am and sleeping at 2 or three. it's frustrating but i got myself into it, so i have to do it.

i'm also looking forward to a lot of things, which i hope won't disappoint me. my computer vice is kinda subsiding. not entirely, but it has no choice anyway.

it's strange how life goes sometimes. when things are gone, the cliche is to miss them, but i guess there's some kind of self healing duct in our bodies somewhere, triggered with forgetting.

and i learned that sometimes our demise can lead to something even better, or to our benefit. we just have to learn to accept it and then live with it, and then it doesn't seem so bad anymore.

anyway at the priory kick off practice today, i had a perfect view of cello boy. i was staring half the time. haha. this is so wrong. but i don't care. haha..haaaaaa.

i dreamed about fecit potentiam. it has been running in my head. it is annoying. my position on stage is in between nuns. i felt so demented. this sucks.

anyway i have to study geometry. i miss sleeping. i slept for 3 hours only today, i wonder how long i'll sleep later.

i was thinking of a really nice ending for this post a while ago but i forgot about it just 10 secs ago. so i'll end it with a smile nalang. :)

Friday, September 02, 2005

tss

today is a semi okay day. i mean part happy part not so happy. not so happy since i have a fever because of the combined stress, very little sleep, pms (yeah its my weakness), petty problems, the weather which is constantly changing, our airconditioned classrooms and hot weather outside blahblahblah. and yet happy..because.. i don't know. my happy disposition? hahahaha whatever basta masaya. and i'm always sneezing, for some reason i find that an extremely euphoric sensation.

every morning there's a halo hanging and an ella saying "hannah dumaan ako sa bahay mo kanina" (to the tune of every morning)

okay i have to go do something and i want to eat na rin bye! :D